Deedra Chavez

Practice

2011-08-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

All of the people I live with now, have a college education or are currently attending college and this was something I was glad to be a part of but what I was not expecting was how my pre-programming of inferiority would come out and in the most peculiar ways.

Working in a group setting is cool because it has given me the opportunity to face myself, for instance I would have trouble speaking up or speaking naturally because I had extensive back chat about sounding stupid or not having a large enough vocabulary or not being able to communicate with the same level of effectiveness as them. I had defined myself as inferior so I would actually end up manifesting this for myself. For instance in the middle of a sentence I would experience movement within me and thoughts of self judgement and then I would totally forget what I was saying and then I was never able to get the point across or the support I wanted to share. I was not here present listening actively but rather in my mind trying to think of something smart to say because in my mind what I would say naturally just wasn't "good enough."

I opened up this point with my roommates and I had an emotional reaction and started to cry a bit. I realized that this was the point to face and the point that I had been allowing and accepting myself to be possessed by. I keep thinking that no one was listening to me and that others were just ignoring what I was saying because they think they are smarter then me and that what I say is stupid but that is not the case at all. One of my roommates said "Deedra what you say does not sound unintelligent" But there were times where she did notice that I would go into self victimization and she could see it because she had also faced similar points and sometimes still does but is in the process of stopping the reactions and back-chat as well.

Now that I have shared my experience and exposed my back-chat I have no longer get tongue tied. I also wrote self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing this point of inferiority to separate me from the group.

Of course this whole time it was all me, its always self isn't it. Being in this new environment has been extensively supportive and I am grateful for all of the support thus far and grateful to be able to support others in self trust.

We have agreed as a group to not allow back-chat of any kind if we are to be effective in what we have set out to accomplish so we all know that support is support and this is where we can sort out our egos so that we can be self-directive in self-honesty in every moment.

I am in the process of trusting myself within self-honesty and trusting my common sense through self-corrective application moment by moment. If I make a mistake, It is like a missed a take and I take 2 or 3 or 4 until I live self trust so when the same point presents itself I live the correction forevermore.

Morality - It's a shame

2011-08-06T12:26:00.001-07:00

A disc jockey on a radio show opened up the topic of teenagers having sex in their parents home.

He began by airing an audio clip and the women speaking said that she was okay with her daughter having sex in her home, because she knew she was safe, always had condoms available, and also she knew who her daughter was having sex with.

The radio station had a huge response with many people calling in stating that allowing a teenager to have sex in their home was flat out wrong.

Some people stated that if they knew that their teenage child had sex in the home, or even if they asked about it, they would be beaten. Also one man called in and said if my wife allowed that and I caught my daughter having sex with a boy in my home I would beat my wife and my child! The response from those in the studio was laughter and agreement.

This created a type of 'group thought' on the radio program and numerous calls came in one after another with the same type of answer, someone else called in and said, If that was my daughter I would not only beat my daughter but also the boy she was with!

Another listener called in to tell a personal story about getting caught kissing a girl in his parents home when he was a teenager - he said that his mother opened the door to the closet and slapped the girl he was kissing in the face and he was glad that his mother did that because later that summer that same girl got pregnant by another guy.

The reaction from parents to immediately hurt someone is just an indication of just how harmful morality right/wrong can be. Fascinating how morality blinds beings of common sense.

The lack of open self-honest communication between parent and child is staggering and we can see the consequence of this all around us, it is no wonder that teen pregnancy rates are sky high and it is also no wonder that sexually transmitted diseases in teens and young adults are rampant. This also teaches children to lie and manipulate because every time the child tells the truth to their parents they are punished!

Many parents think that making sex taboo or wrong is their duty but miss the entire point of supporting their child to be a self-honest effective human being in this world. This can be done by being self-honest and standing equal to their children and realize that not only is the house their's but also the home of their children. It is fine time that parents consider their children as equals and share common sense with their children and share what the manifested consequences are for not taking responsibility for oneself. This is only done through being a living example, living the words we speak otherwise children just see their parents as hypocrites and rebel against them. This ends up being a battle of right and wrong, superiority and inferiority. Within common sense there is no right or wrong simply what is best for all, this does not require us to be moral about anything it just requires us to have a look at all the possible outflows of our decisions 1+1=2 and act in the best interest of all.

It is time for us to start educating ourselves and becoming self-honest so that we can support ourselves and our children to do what is best for all.

To discuss this topic further please visit.

www.desteni.co.za

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.equalmoney.org

Addiction and Me

2011-05-24T10:56:00.000-07:00

There is no right or wrong only consequence - no matter what it is we participate in there will indeed be a consequence so I check my starting point and consider the consequence if my starting point is in self-honesty cool, if my starting point is self-dishonesty I stop, breathe and clear my starting point to prevent a consequence that is not best for all. So this is what I did regarding coffee.

I committed myself to stop drinking coffee for 21 days.

This is a list of reasons why:

-I felt I needed it

-I wanted it

-I desired it

-I thought I could not live without it

-I thought about it often

-I formed habits around it

-I feared letting it go

-I reacted to the idea of stopping and back-chatted about why it was unnecessary to stop

-I allowed it to control and direct me

I will not accept or allow limitation within and as me

When I joined the Desteni Forums over three years ago, I was addicted to many things and at the time I did not realize I was ‘actually’ addicted. I had not yet considered stopping myself from participating in these points and I watched a video by Osho about asking ourselves in every moment am I self-honest or am I self-dishonest? Regarding addictions I was self-dishonest so I took on the point and decided to stop but what took me by surprise is that stopping wasn't as simple as I thought and proved to be difficult because I had in fact formed an addiction/relationship with points such weed, smoking, shopping, drinking, sex ect…

What I’ve realized now after I have stopped these addictions is that I spited myself through existing within the acceptance of an idea that I had free will and free choice. I did as I pleased and no one or nothing could stop me from doing what it was that I wanted to do. Being what I perceived as “rebellious” and “free” only caused me to harm myself - I was on a fast track to a dead end road.

I abused myself and my body extensively and through this I diminished. My ego was so tremendous I did not care about anything or anyone as long as I had my way and my freedom of choice. I did not look at what I was doing to others or how my irresponsibility could cause harm to myself and others.

My participation in the Desteni “I” Process has supported me extensively and for this I am grateful. I do not know where I would be today without the support of my fellow Destonians. I have the tools to support myself to clearly see my own delusions and not only see what I’m doing but stop what I’m doing so that I can live an effective life and stand one and equal to all that I have allowed and accepted in self dishonesty and from here stand up to practically change me to accumulate what is best for all in self honesty through self-forgiveness, writing, breathing and correcting myself in and as the physical. Stopping addictions has been supportive for me in realizing I am here and here as breath I am effective - I cannot do anything sooner than a single breath at a time.

Check out these videos by Desteni Productions on You-Tube:

121 Self Freedom in 21 Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axT9TVFStyE&feature=channel_video_title

21 Days to Self Freedom Expounded – 4 count breathe explained http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSTkTU3JClM&feature=channel_video_title

Within stopping addictions I utilize the the four count breath especially in the moments when I would want to give up and give in – also this giving up and giving is was a clear indication of my participation in thoughts, therefore I bring myself here as breath, focus on myself as breath and stop thoughts. I have been able to support myself simply by breathing in the moment and this has been effective because I have proven it to myself that I can stop if I will myself to do so.

Writing myself to freedom has also been supportive in stopping addictions and has changed my life. Because it allows me to see what I am doing right in front of me on paper bringing all points here for me to face and deal with through self-forgiveness, in self-honesty and I set the stage for myself to correct myself to no longer accept or allow addiction, relationship ties, separation, limitation, self abuse and much more. Also 21 days can work as self support to support oneself to start something that is best for all, for instance a self commitment to vlog/blog for 21 days or breathing in awareness for 21 days ect... but for now I am only sharing my experiences regarding stopping addictions.

Applying myself for 21 days has been supportive for me and after applying myself for 21 days, I no longer desire what was once an addiction. Using addiction to divert my attention away from myself is self-dishonest, self-abusive and simply unacceptable. I used to use addiction as a crutch, an excuse and rather than being self-responsible I would utilize the point to avoid myself and excuse myself from my self-responsibility.

There were moments when I struggled because I participated in it for a longer period of time or I had given value to a point and gave my power away to it and formed a pattern around it. If I fell I simply restart my 21 days in a single breath without self judgment. If I fell on a point like I did with marijuana for instance it would become more difficult to stop the next time around, so it was a lesson I learned, one I realised the hard way in some cases but all in all a lesson I now apply as myself and I change me. I simply got to a point where I no longer accepted or allowed any bullshit from myself because I did not want to let myself down,I do this for myself as all as one as equal as life and I did not want to give up on a commitment I made to myself. And in this I build upon self-trust in every moment.

So to give some perspective on my experience in stopping, what I began to notice is a pattern of thoughts and no matter what the addiction, the thoughts that come up were similar. Firstly I make a commitment and decision to stop an addiction and almost immediately the back chat comes (mind chatter) I argue with myself in my mind, then I think about it, a point like marijuana for example and how great it is, then I try to reason with myself, or justify why I should have something that I need and desire and so on but I just keep breathing through it and just out load speak ‘No, this is not who I am, I will not accept or allow myself to participate in thoughts and then I apply self forgiveness e.g.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create back-chat to give up on what I have committed to

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in back-chat

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form an addiction through a relationship with something or someone

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from something or someone and form ideas around points such as need, want, desire, lust, pleasure ect…

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tacitly imply that I lack something through participating in addiction and the ideas of need, want, desire, lust, pleasure ect…

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addictions to get energy rather than remaining here as breath

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts, feelings and emotions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addiction in an attempt to divert my attention away from myself and my self-responsibility

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addiction to abdicate my self-responsibility

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I lack

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I want

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I need

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I desire

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I lust

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I require pleasure form something or someone separate from me

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thoughts, feelings and emotions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not considered the consequence of my ACTions and or inactions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ego and to think, believe and perceive that ego is who I really am

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others through participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions and addictions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the dimishment of myself through participating in addictions and addictive behavior

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for why I have allowed and accepted addictive behavior

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do what I want when I want no matter what the consequence

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs ect, to forget what I have done as an excuse to not hold myself accountable for what I have accepted and allowed through self dishonest in self abuse

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body

-I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider my body as one and equal with and as me

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm my body

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind consciousness system

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my physical human body through participating in back-chat/thoughts/feelings emotions/memories

Addiction is self created and a pattern / entity formed through participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions over an extended period of time. The voices in the head are not actually me and can be stopped by breathing and being self-honest, standing, taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and stop.

Back-chat does not have power over me unless I give my power away to it and if I set out to do something but do not stick to my resolve I will lose trust in myself and it is simply unacceptable and I will no longer allow or accept these points to accumulate to cause me to give up. I direct myself in the moment breath and stop.

The test comes back several times because it is a pattern I actively participated in for many years so in some cases it takes some time and patience to stop the habits I accepted and allowed myself to form, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible to direct myself to no longer exist as patterns and just stop because I must. So if the mind chatter tried to rear it’s ugly head, I laugh a bit because it’s so predictable and can be stopped in a single breath and so I walk my 21 days breath by breath and simply remain here til I no longer have a single thought about the point and then it's done, I am no longer enslaved because I set myself free.

Every addiction that I have eliminated has caused me to solidify my stand in self-honesty and self trust. Self-trust was something I never had before and so it has been a gift I grant to myself by applying myself in every moment.

I no longer need things like drugs to hide from myself now I enjoy being vulnerable and intimate with me

It's been over a month now since I stopped drinking coffee, my next point to take on is sugar.

Give yourself the ultimate gift the gift of self-forgiveness, for support and to support yourself visit these websites below.

Check it out!

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.co.za/

http://equalmoney.org/

Enjoy!

Blog Address Change

2011-04-22T17:12:00.000-07:00

Readers,

I have created a new blog using my own name. Please follow me on my other blog as well at http://deedrachavez.blogspot.com/

Thank you!

Equal Health Care for ALL

2011-04-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghYaFEVGqu8&feature=player_embedded

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with the health care system

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to blame 'modern medicine' for pharmaceutical drugs that support the money system but not the our human physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that is difficult to be a women because of menstruation, menopause, birth control, child birth and sexual harassment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with how birth control works

I was at the Dr's office yesterday to see my gynecologist for an annual pap-smear. Prior to the actual check up she asked me a ton of 'personal questions' I told her everything, no-holds-barred, but when I shared this stuff with her I found myself trying to be 'professional' about my sex life lol! That did not go over well but she smiled big and quickly shook her head up and down like a bobble head.

I didn't plan on it, but I was very nervous the doctor was nice and all, but she also seemed a bit nervous too, I could be projecting here but she was talking quickly maybe she just felt my nervousness and it rubbed off on her, who knows?

I mean it's not a fun experience, first a strange person you hardly know gives you the 3rd degree about your sex life, tells you to strip down to your birthday suit, and to place your legs up on stirrups, feels your breasts for lumps, puts foreign objects and feels around in there for your uterus it's a bit painful and awkward. One thing she told me was that my cervix was in a weird place, so she moved it. I was thinking 'Oh fuck, what the hell, why is my cervix in a weird place, that little rascal, and she can even move it? Who knew? I asked her, 'is that strange?' 'Is there something wrong?' She said 'no most women have their cervix in different places, some are closer to the front of the body, some are closer to the back, some are even sideways, I was like sheesh goes to show how much I know about my own body. I was relieved nothing was wrong but when she moved it, it kind of hurt. I was going to ask her where mine was but I figured some things are better left unsaid.

She was talking to me about things that were 'off topic' the whole time. Maybe she was trying to get me to relax. I was like fuck I can't talk about my travel experiences at a time like this! I was thinking jeeze, this sucks, I just want this over with. I couldn't form a decent sentence, I can always tell when I'm nervous because I have trouble speaking effectively.

It is similar to being in a dentist chair with a mouth full of objects, drill, spit sucker, ect. and then the dentist asks a question that requires a long drawn out answer. It's like are you seriously asking me this question right now?

After it was all said and done we talked about birth control. She asked me how the Nuva Ring worked for me? I told her, it was not good at all and that I do not want to take birth control because last time I took it, I felt like I was slightly insane, I cried at the drop of a hat, I was restless, I could only sleep 3 hours max, I experienced racing thoughts, I become extremely angry, depressed, sad, I felt like hurting someone or myself, I blew up like a balloon, gained almost 30lbs and my body felt poisoned. The risks are extensive, I do not know what is in those pills/rings ect... and my body totally disagrees and rejects it.

She said 'some body's just does not work well with the pill.' We discussed the IUD called Mirena, it lasts for 5 years releases small amounts of hormone, can cause lighter periods and less cramping or I can use the old fashioned IUD lasts 10 years, has no medicine, which I prefer but then my periods will be heavier and worse cramps. Since I have not had a child, inserting the IUD is going to hurt quite a bit and when it comes to pain, my tolerance is pretty low.

Doesn't look like I have many real choices. I do not want to have children so I have to take responsibly for this point and direct it. I want to enjoy myself and explore self intimacy through sexual expression, but at what cost. For now I will stick with condoms. I am not opposed to having my tubes tied either but my Dr. strongly strongly urged I wait, but then again she was the same person who urged that I try the Nuva Ring and that it worked GREAT for her and also she said that she tried Mirena before she was pregnant and it worked great. I don't trust it

A friend gave me the name of a birth control that has worked well for her. I asked my doctor if I could try it and she said I can but with most birth controls it's about trial and error, and everyone's body is different. I get migraine headaches with aura, so that limits my options even more. In order to find the right pill my body has to go through hell and back. Why does it have to be so complicated. I still got a prescription for the one my friend suggested, just in case but I doubt I will use it. She said if you do decide to use your prescription, make sure to regularly check your blood pressure and call me if your blood pressure goes up or if you have any of these list of symptoms, so we can stop it immediately - that didn't sound encouraging. She said the downfall of this particular brand is I can have spotting in between periods. It just all sounds like a major hassle. And for my blood type birth control pills are in the (AVOID) section. So that was my experience.

I am grateful that I have access to healthcare and that I can see a doctor for regular check ups or if I become ill. Most of the time though doctors can only provide support that is topical and does not truly support the human physical body to heal a person. I am one of the few people in this world that is lucky enough to have a job that offers healthcare and the price I pay is still very high. Is healthcare truly effective the way it currently exists? I am not satisfied with the level of support we have tacitly agreed to with regards to healthcare and medicine. All including animals should have access to healthcare real healthCARE.

In an equal money system, profit won't be the driving force of healthcare and medicine and because of this things will be much different - we can find solutions that support our physical bodies within equality, simplicity and common sense. Let us stop supporting the fattening up of a few CEO's wallets, while the majority of people are either without healthcare, hooked on pharmacological drugs; that are priced outrageously, taking pills that do not heal but keep us stuck in cycles of illness ect., this is clearly not support. There are many points to consider with regards to healthcare but one thing I have realized is that what is happening now is NOT supportive to our body's - healthcare should be about real CARE doing what is best for ALL real care that supports the physical body and not a drug cartel dressed in white.

Let's Find a solution together and stop this non-sense we currently call 'healthcare'

WATCH THIS TOO!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1Cs8rmjUmg&feature=related

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http://equalmoney.org/the-book a discussion with Bernard Poolman in the quest for universal equality for all life to have a world where all participants act in ways that is best for all life. The Equal Money system will be a first step in the political agenda of the Equal Life Party worldwide once we start participating in democratic elections. Join the Desteni Forum for discussions. Subscribe to be notified of publishment of the first Equal Money Book

Letting go of Ego and Forgiving Myself

2011-04-07T08:36:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVqBeXsGIcQ

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to write out thorough self forgiveness regarding food, chocolate, addictions and nail biting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel empowered when I eat chocolate or ice cream because then I can get back at the "bad" ideas I have about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and fight the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am greater than the mind rather then realizing that I have created myself in this way and I am responsible for my creation

I equalize myself to the mind and re-program myself to and as equality and oneness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea and judgement that chocolate and ice cream are good because they stimulate my taste buds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea and judgement that chocolate and ice cream are bad because it will make me fat and cause me to judge myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate the mind with sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge foods as either good or bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by thoughts and for not being self directive

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply myself as the principle of equality - what is best for all as a self willed equal here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, desire and believe I need stimulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require stimulation because of my perceived energy drop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I exist as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am can be depleted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form this belief through participating in polarity manifestations thus constantly experience myself as up and down +/-

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself effectively

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realise who I really am does not require stimulation thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to stimulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create loop holes and time loops purposely so that I won't have to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing and to fear letting go of personality designs, ideas, beliefs, perceptions and opinions I have formed about myself and have based my decisions on these judgments

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself in every moment to do what must be done to be an effective individual

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by resisting change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can control change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged others and say that - the more things change the more things stay the same

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that I also exist as this construct through resisting self expansion

I will myself and direct myself here in self honesty to create myself in a way in which I would like to experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think about me and fear peoples reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt and yelled at

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess about weight, food and body image

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self hatred

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self deceit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find things to attach to and form a belief that I'm now addicted to these points in an attempt to escape from myself and my self responsibly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as rebellious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not practically move myself in the physical and do all I can physically, practically in and as the system to change the system so that all can live for real here as equals - living as principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to rebellion

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see that by participating in the idea of rebellion I abdicate my self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and the system and food instead of taking responsibility for what currently exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imply through participating in rebellion and rebellious behavior that I am greater then the problems of this world when in fact I have participated and am equally responsible for what is here as this reality as this world as enslavement, as abuse, as separation, as fear, as ego, as self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define rebellion and rebellious people as cool and attach a positive value to the word cool

I no longer accept or allow myself to abdicate my self responsibility

I no longer accept or allowing myself to participate in rebellion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I love chocolate - even though the idea of love does not serve me - what is this thing love... this thing I have created as an idea is not real because real love is equality doing what is best for all loving thy neighbor as thyself giving to an other what I would like to receive this is love in practicality it is not the polarity of hate and so when I eat, I hate myself for it and so I am endlessly stuck within the polarity manifestation of love and hate / shame and regret / happiness and winning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I hate myself when I eat certain foods

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to believe I win when I eat certain foods

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses why I can not stop sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form habits and patterns about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about becoming fat the whole time I eat sugary or savory foods

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of ideas I have about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store memories about food and use food as a way to either reward or punish myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing limitation by creating, and giving into thoughts and temptation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tempt myself with points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself through temptation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat in secret so that no one will judge me and so no one will catch on to me overindulging so that I can remain dishonest and have 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a bubble called 'my way' where no one can enter and no one can burst it because its my apparent free choice and free will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a choice

What is best for all 'equality' does not require choice - it is simple common sense 1 + 1 = 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed of myself for over indulging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have over indulged in food, sex, shopping, laziness, men, drugs etcetera and for not considering my fellow man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never eating chocolate or ice cream again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up sugar because that means I will also have to give up chocolate and ice cream

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they are judging me when I am the only person that is doing the judging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess and become possessed about chocolate through continuous creation and participation in back-chat

Obsess / Obese - It is fascinating how I allowed myself to obsess about food then obsessively fear becoming obese - Coincidence? I doubt it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create back-chat about chocolate and ice cream

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when it comes to making decisions about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge every decision I make about food

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to hear my body and what my body wants rather then depending on my mind to make a decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in control when I make a decision regarding what to eat based on how it will stimulate me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision on food based on thoughts rather than listening to my body

I no longer accept or allow myself to eat food with the starting point of supporting the mind

I breathe - delete the thought / memory and eat food that my body is in agreement and alignment with as self support equal and one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become ego and stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider the mind and not support the physical reality what is here in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use chocolate and ice cream to stimulate me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in chocolate because I feel I deserve it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward myself with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself by abusing food as a distraction away from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind rather then here as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a belief that I was addicted to chocolate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use chocolate to distract me from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse food and chocolate because I have formed an idea around it that 'I can do what I want' thus implying free choice and free will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in choice as this implies separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through existing in the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails and hurt my finger tips

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a cycle of self judgement to ensue - self judgement - bite nails - self judgement - shame - self judgement

I no longer accept or allow myself to abuse myself

I no longer accept or allow myself to use nail biting as a comfort/abuse response to self judgement

till here no further

I no longer accept or allow myself to judge myself if a thought of self judgement presents itself I will simple delete the thought and breath in self forgiveness and breath out self honesty

When eating if I have any reaction I will immediately delete the thought and speak self forgiveness for any polarity, ideas, judgments, opinions I have attached to the food and clear my starting point so that I will simply - eat food - with no thoughts, feelings or emotions - just simply eating as an expression of myself supporting my body as me equal and one

I breath

I am here

I support myself

I direct myself

I move myself

I will myself

I do what is best for all this is my will this is my stand.

I could not have done this without support and assistance - I am grateful - to get support and to support yourself see the link below.

http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

http://equalmoney.org/

http://desteni.co.za/

http://demonology.co.za/

Self Responsibility and Self Will

2011-03-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

Last night I was awoken by the sound of my cat vigorously scratching at my bedroom door, she hasn't done this for awhile. For the past year I can't sleep well and since I am not able sleep I get out of bed go into the living room and spend time petting my cats, they must be getting used to it.

Just when she stopped her 'bad habit' of scratching at the door, I went and created a pattern for her and so now she expects 'petting attention' at night. When I heard her scratching, I hopped out of bed annoyed. I had just started to fall to sleep, I knew it would be hell to pay trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again. On my way over to the door to put up the 'cat gate' I stubbed my right pinky toe really hard on a book that was on the floor and it hurt like hell. The pain got me out of my mind for a moment and into and as the physical - once it stopped throbbing, I fussed in my back-chat a bit about her scratching causing me to wake up and also about how much my toe hurt and I moved the book out of the way in an angry fashion - - Back-Chat "Dang it! This is the second time I injured myself on that stupid book."

The thing is I did nothing to support myself to stop the extensive fear and anxiety that always keeps me up at night, this has led me to be unable to sleep and also as a side note - I have had a sore jaw and teeth the past two days because I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep which directly relates to anxiety. I have not effectively dealt with my 'pressing issues' instead of moving myself and directing myself to do what I must do to no longer exist as this diminished mess, I went and defined myself as an insomniac - period. And because I did not take responsibility for the anxiety and fear, I wake up at night and I have changed my cats behavior and she now has newly found expectation of me. It is not her fault after all I trained her that I would pet her all hours of the night. I like petting my cats but I also enjoy rest.

I have hurt my ankle on that same book before and I knew that it was placed in a spot that could eventually cause me to stub my toe, trip or ever sprain my ankle on it again. I never moved the book, I left it there because it isn't my book, I thought about moving that book many times, but I used the excuse that it was not my responsibility - which I see now is the ego and stubbornness - also I see that it was me not taking full responsibility for all that exists and still have separation when it comes to responsibility.

In an instant of pain and back-chat a point presented itself. I took in a deep breath and stopped my participation in the back-chat. I realized when I laid back down that it was uncalled for and self dishonest for me to get so upset and for taking out my anger on an innocent book

The point that is here is my abdication of self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my cat for waking me up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to back-chat annoyance toward my cat because of how I experienced myself because I was not standing up within myself to correct my sleep through taking responsibility for the fear and anxiety I have accepted myself to exist as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become anger and taking it out on a book rather then dealing with the anger through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self responsibility through correcting myself in every moment to no longer exist as anger, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to fear, anxiety and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have anxiety about change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and abuse myself through self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for not taking responsibly for myself through creating time loops by accepting back-chat of self judgement thus causing myself to lose my belief in myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call a book stupid when really I was projecting how I experienced myself for not taking responsibility and moving the book to a more appropriate place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and go into self judgement instead of correcting my behavior through taking responsibility for all that is here as self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some things are not my responsibility but the responsibly of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my body through accepting and allowing myself to suppress points I am not willing to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately cause time loops and procrastinate so that I will not have to take self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am this fear and anxiety and that is all I will ever be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being courageous and living one and equal to courage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about who I will be without a definition of myself as fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear and anxiety to manipulate myself and others so I will not have to be self responsible and face points I have defined as difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about ways to be self responsible rather then just doing it physically here in the moment without a thought feeling or emotion simply me moving myself supporting and directing myself as self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an insomniac

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less then a thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to insecurity

I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to diminish myself to inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and project my fears onto others

Ok so what I will do to correct myself in real time if this type of event takes place again --

I will do what needs to be done in the moment instead of redirecting responsibility to another in my mind I will take responsibility for what needs to be done.

I will not think about who's responsibility it is, I will direct myself in the moment to change and do what must be done to be most effective and practical

I will not accept or allow myself to create back chat I will breath stop participation and simply work with what is here

I will not accept or allow myself to suppress myself I will direct myself to write and physically change and walk through resistances in real time

I will stabilize myself through physically working and not accepting myself to excuse myself from my self responsibility

I allow myself to accept that I will make mistakes sometimes and I will not accept or allow myself to be hard on myself and judge myself rather I can just laugh at myself and keep walking

I accept myself unconditionally, I direct myself, I take responsibility for myself and do what is best for all, I love myself unconditionally, I care for myself unconditionally, I move, I express, I breathe

The accumulation effect to get the total sum of and as Equality

2011-03-24T15:54:00.001-07:00

Ok - My stomach is growling and I just ate lunch a few hours ago - people starve for days on end it is in fact horrific what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.

So I have been walking a point for sometime and I have been walking it for such a long time because I was conflicted about making a solid decision and being very concerned if it was the accumulation effect as what is best for all in actuality or was I just walking my pre-programming because it's the same type of pattern that I have lived over and over again in the past.

I realise I am being quite vague lol! I have to be at the moment, I will surely break down all of the walls more then likely sooner than later to give you a better grasp of what it is that I am facing -- Ultimately - myself.

I have asked myself somewhat relentlessly this same question over and over and this is my self-honesty -- Who am I and why am I unable to make a direct decision and stick to it? Why am I conflicted is this a back-chat fire missile attack? Am I really just a total fuck up? These questions keep me up at night, I haven't had a decent nights rest in over a year now. It is always the same things brewing back and forth shame, regret, sorry, depression, sadness - emotional irrelevant bullshit basically.

I placed myself in a difficult dilemma. What I truly believe in and want is 'World Equality' what is best for all. In order for me to do everything I must do to do this effectively and in a timely manner is be selfish 'now' to eventually accumulate what is best for all - on the other hand I could remain in the same position doing what is best for some, which I will never be satisfied with, I could not live with myself and I won't be expressing myself how I would like to express myself. Although it would make others quite happy and content, that is my basic programming pushing myself aside to make sure others are happy, some that read this may not agree but that is how I experience it.

I can see the basic moral point that has presented itself here where the system say's 'Deedra you know what you are doing is totally wrong and fucked up, there is a consequence for this type of behavior'. I mean hey, it may cause problems for me down the road but I can't self-honestly base a decision on a future projection.

I must apply myself and utilize breath and let self honesty be my guide and apply common sense and stop back-chat and take full responsibly for what is here.

I see how back-chat is like a military weapon -- it's fucking crazy and who created it none other than yours truly.

I have tools that work to prevent such attacks from causing any major disaster - self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-directive statements and self-corrective application.

I have a few some more things to write out in a mind construct on a particular individual in my world and place it on paper. This has all been in my mind for such a long time it's me tormenting myself and I no longer accept or allow myself to make this harder than it has to be.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for self first to accumulate what is best for all as self equal and one.

The Interviewer Personality

2011-03-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

I've have been spending quite a bit of time exposing my secret mind and now my back-chat with a really cool individual. (X) brought to my attention an observation (X) noticed about me, (X) said "You like to interview people" "I noticed it at the table when you were talking to (Y) and then to (Z) -- He said "I was like, lol! She's interviewing them with questions she has, but making it look so innocent, questions she has asked herself but asking others to get a different point of view, or something she's working with. He said "I only see it because you have shared so much". I thought to myself - Moi?

The implications of sharing myself unconditionally is self responsibly and accountability to myself as my words, actions and deeds - The point when sharing unconditionally with another as myself is that others see things that sometimes are not as apparent for me to recognize because I am it.

I can not trick people and remain self dishonest because I trapped myself and this is cool because it's my test to myself - Who am I in every moment? self-dishonest or self-honest?

It was supportive for me to hear. Now that we are sharing back-chat it is very interesting and revealing and many times my back chat is the opposite of what (X) is experiencing. It has be fun and fascinating to face myself in this way and any judgement that may come up we are able to forgive ourselves immediately, unconditionally and not accept bullshit from each other because to accept it in another is to accept and allow it in self, this is not acceptable nor is it supportive so we've agreed not to judge each other, react or take anything we say to each other personally. It is getting quite interesting, fascinating and fun.

I like to interview people because it is fun and interesting and I am getting a feel for the other person. I suppose I interview people because it takes the spot light off of me and it is my way of gauging when people are lying so it's quite manipulative and deceptive for me to go about getting straight answers in this way, rather then just asking direct basing my questioning on the starting point of and as self. When I am around people walking process it's great because we can openly share and walk points equal and one and get to the core and be self-honest and straight up. We laugh it off and laugh out our suppressions because many times the back-chats are actually believe it or not funny and sharing them has been a way to develop self intimacy.

Mother Envy

2011-03-10T07:46:00.000-08:00

Today when looking at photos of a friend and her family I became sad and a bit jealous because I know I won't be having children of my own in this 'life' and I won't experience what it is to be a mother - So I am here to further investigate this point and consider why I have experienced this reaction within me. It is as if I have been programmed to want a child or children irregardless of all common sense. I have even asked some men if they get a male version of 'the clock ticking'? One gentleman said it was more about passing on the family name but even still that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I mean you can have a child with your same last name and same blood line but who cares if they have to grow up in an environment where life is not valued

as all as one as equal.

Emotions of any kind are not real such as sadness for example I mean it is simply a system designed to further enslave. Bringing a child into the world as it is today is self dishonest because the starting point is selfishness. If I were to manipulate myself through using sadness or envy as an excuse to become a 'mother' it would only benefit the ego of the mind. This is obviously not what is best for all, not what is best for any child, bringing a child into a world where they would not be considered equal is abusive so sadness is invalidated by the simple common sense equation 1+1=2

A lady I spoke with the other day said to me that it is crazy not to want a child because it is the greatest love one can 'feel' in this world and is an unexplainable joyful experience. She said after all my child could become the next president of the United States and change the world. I asked her why would anyone want to leave that kind of responsibly up to someone else? We are here right now in this world and capable of changing ourselves and the world. Clinging to hope, hope that a child may possibly one day change things for the rest of us is totally and completely insane. Unfortunately self responsibility is rarely if ever considered.

I overheard a man in the army speaking with his buddy and he said to him "I'm thinking of getting married and having a child so that I can get more money back on my taxes" His friend said "NO! don't get married because if you get a divorce you'll have to fight for what is yours" lol! I butted in and said to him, "Man, did you hear what you just said? Do you realize the responsibility of bringing a child into the world? Do you even know what that child may have to go through? Would you actually go that far for a tax break, I mean really?" I suggested to him rather spend that time and effort on changing the money system so that all life is supported unconditionally, so that people can not use and manipulate with other peoples - LIVES - to survive. He said well when you put it that way I guess your right. I do not want to be right at all, I just wanted him to see and hear what it is that he would be manifesting for someone 'else' 'someone' that could not speak for themselves. The money system as it is, is manifesting insanity or is the money system as it is today a manifestation of insanity? Either way it has got to stop.

Throughout my life I didn't see the sense in having children. Maybe my clock just ticked later then most women but if I just look around I would NOT want to come here to a place where I would not be taken care of unconditionally, a place where my forefathers did not give a flying fuck about life, I sometimes wondered why my mom did not consider this basic point, I guess because she was programmed but maybe it is also about survival, just programming it is the way most women have been hard wired. It was and still is to many considered part of life "Part of life what an interesting thing to say?"

I am doing something to change myself and to change the world. So I'm glad I was born haha!

It is simply not my role in this life to be a mother - It is however my role to do what is best for all and to do everything I am able to, to bring about an equal money system and a world of equality so that any child born can live a life of dignity and respect, equally as all, so that no children are voiceless and no child is without a mother because all consider all equally and support their neighbor and do unto others as they would like to have done unto them. I will not be a mother no I won't and it is ok because I have other things I require to do and I will not stop - I stand for all as one as equal as life within and as breath here in every moment.

Children will all be 'mothered' by all in and equal world, there will be no motherless child and not childless mother because we can all care for one another as equals!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad that I won't be a mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself what if's..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become envious of something that does not support all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to people that have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfish thoughts of wonder as what it would be like to have the love a child has for their mother and a mother for their child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from love and think that love is something that can be achieved through child birth and becoming a mother - love is an expression of who I am as equality here in every moment doing what is best for all and not stopping til it is here in fact.

I'm aware that there is more for me to write about regarding this particular topic and I will continue to share as things come up.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy the silence

2011-03-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

I just got back to my desk from having lunch with a co-worker - he is sitting next to me now humming - he says "it is too quiet in here" I did not respond. I hear the air conditioner and my fingers hitting the keys of my keyboard and his hitting his. We did not speak much during lunch, I no longer feel compelled to fill silence with words in an attempt to avoid self intimacy. I just breathed and focused on the way the food felt in my mouth. There were moments where I almost said something but nothing was here to speak I would have said something meaningless e.g., talk about the weather in an attempt to be 'polite' -I used to think it was awkward not to speak now I find it self dishonest to speak when I have nothing real to speak about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel awkward being silent sitting next to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the person sitting with me might think I was awkward for not speaking up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think for a moment of what to say in order to get to a point of comfortability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable being here silent with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into morality about what is right and wrong with regards to speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is impolite not to engage in conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the world polite and not realise that being polite is based in morality and varies and not only does it vary it has no real meaning and it just a fake face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat

I breathed chewed and drank. I'm grateful I have access to food and water... It seemed as though we have absolutely nothing in common and it was just best to remain silent I breathed stopped thoughts and did my best to remain here silent within and without - enjoying my sandwich and water.

We actually do have a lot in common, I have something in common with all that exists but at work speaking about common sense and equality points are considered unprofessional. The equal money topic is considered perverse to some, mostly the ones with money. The people I speak openly with about equal money are the ones, just getting by, how limited - I can look at myself in the eyes of 'another' and not openly share and speak on what is important in this world because of the money system we have tacitly agreed upon.

When we have an equal monetary system in place things will be different, people will be different, more conversations will have actual meaning and there may even be more silence but real silence the silence of and as ourselves equal and one.

Polite - living as principle, what is best for all in every moment here as breath

Pain 3

2011-03-02T13:19:00.000-08:00

No, my dog did NOT eat my homework....

Neck, middle upper back and shoulders - Maybe it is my pillow - I doubt it.

My neck, upper back and shoulders have been hurting for a least two weeks and it hurts quite a bit but I wasn't giving it too much attention, I wasn't giving mySelf attention and then one day, I was agitated by the pain like 'fuck, How come I still have all this pain?' My neck back and shoulders have been bothering me and I haven't made a point to investigate why this is happening or how it relates to me in process nor did I look at Veno's Structural resonance documents that are always supportive and revealing.

I wasn't able to sleep - I remember now that I was having fear thoughts related to my grandmother dying. I've noticed a pattern of having occasional thoughts of people dying and worrying about the future. We are all going to die so I am not sure why I've been afraid of death or the death of others, these thoughts could be related to regret. I haven't my grandmother much lately because I have been stubborn regarding family in general I have been hiding and not taking self responsibility. I've been working on a mind construct on a family member and it has been a 'pain in the neck' so to speak and what happens when I work on it is that my eyes get extremely heavy it is like they want to shut, literally I feel them falling as if I have to go to sleep right then and there.

This is a clear indication that Mind Constructs are effective and supportive within revealing patterns and system manifestations for me to self forgive within and as self honesty and correct myself once and for all and never allow myself to participate in those points again because it is not what is best for all and does not support me - The mind consciousness system does not compute.

The other day I was working on a mind construct with my SRA buddy and I did not give it my all nor did I pay close attention to detail. (the dEVILs in the details) I changed something in my mind construct that we previously agreed would work best, such as placing points in certain, particular ways. I was finishing it up alone and I questioned myself whether or not I was doing it right 'but wait this sounds weird' although I ignored the point to further investigate and I did not take the time to properly complete my work. Glancing at it briefly I changed it to how I wanted it to be instead of how it should have been done.

When I met on chat with her she asked why I changed it, I had no excuse - I told her I do not know why. I did not apply myself entirely within the written work that was required to be done. I took a short cut and did not consider the implications of what I had done. I was actually happy with what I did until she told me it was incorrect and that I required to to it again on my own time. I was mad at myself because I knew what I had done and there was no one to point the finger at but myself. I did not tell her I was sorry even though I should have because I wasted her time, she seemed disappointed and kind of mad about it and it is understandable if she was, but I may have read her wrong. It was kind of like when I was young I would do something half heartedly and then get in trouble for it but back then I would blame the other person instead of taking responsibility for my irresponsible behavior and my accepted and allowed participation in the idea of being inferior to 'paper work/school work'

My buddy took time and effort to share pointers with me, tips and even gave me a full example over chat. My buddy is swamped with work and I am also busy so through me accepting and allowing self dishonesty and not taking an extra five to ten minutes to truly study and double check my work within and as specificity I wasted both of our time - with so much to be done we do not have time to waste.

I have also allowed myself to wait until the last day before SRA chat to complete my assignmentand I have also noticed doing it my way which is unacceptable and not what is best for all, no wonder is been so difficult for me to grasp - I was not sure what exactly I was resisting with regards to SRA work but it is like all of my programming and accepted and allowed self dishonesty is coming out in ways I could not fathom.

So I will use this as a supportive example of what NOT to do, here in this breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a failure of myself through accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I am inferior to book/school work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity manifestations of the mind winner/failure - superior/inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste the time of others because I was selfish and did not consider the consequence and outflow of doing things in an incomplete manner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately think thoughts of inferiority when my buddy told me I needed to do the assignment on my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to into sadness when she told me that and think about memories and try to in my mind justify why I accept limitation of and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self manipulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I won't ever be able to resolve my 'family' issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe and perceive that I am inferior to anything that takes a lot of discipline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceieve that I am inferior to understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of relationships that I have formed through and as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of myself as personality and the personality I have created with regards to relationships, because I realize that if I no longer act according to how others expect me to act I won't be regarded the same way I always had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful through accepting and allowing myself to participate in limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through accepting an idea of limitation to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and the work that I do by and through completing my work within and as specificity every single time and not accepting anything less then who I really am and what I am capable of

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea of fear that my buddy is mad at me to go into inferiority

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here and miss points because I was not present

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do my SRA assignments my way and not the way that works and is best for all

If I experience resistance toward SRA assignments, I apply sf, simply breathe, drink water, speak self corrective statements and will myself to continue with my responsibility

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as separation

I no longer accept or allow myself to give up and give in to the mind

I no longer accept or allow myself to manipulate myself

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as limitation and fear

-I do not know if this at all relates to neck, shoulder or back pain but writing today opened up many points I required to face and correct and I am grateful for being able to write myself to freedom.

Pain 2

2011-02-28T19:28:00.001-08:00

I have a sprained my right ankle, I sprained it the first time while I was in another state walking along a sidewalk and there was this huge crack in it and my shoes were too big, it was painful and I was scared because I was away from home and no doctor available, I sprained it again just as hard about half an hour later at a French restaurant in the restroom, I heard this women over the house speakers and she was giving lessons on how to speak French she was teaching the French word for 'agreement'.

I did a good job nursing my ankle back to 'health' and I was quite pleased with how well I did - and guess what? Two weeks after my first two injuries I tripped again on what seems like air and all over again it was swollen and hurting - damn it! wtf! What a klutz' I thought to myself and had an emotional reaction that of sadness and anger toward myself for not standing stable, for not being here and for accepting and allowing thoughts of limitation and fear. I was angry at myself for putting my body through this, and it was just starting to get better now its swollen and hurting again. I still have not gone to see a doctor, the last time I went to the doctor I went because my throat was hurting and I was told it was because I was not voicing myself, but instead of investigating why it was hurting exactly and taking responsibility for it I decided to go to the doctor and after she checked me she said 'Deedra nothing is wrong with you...' I was thinking WTF lady something IS wrong with me, my throat hurts like fuck. I said is there anything I can do she said it might be allergies but I dont even see any redness in your throat. I think she thought I was making it all up. So I decided to get self honest I started to look at my world and my participation and behavior and I wasn't saying out load when something came up that bothered me I would just hold it in and then believe that I had no right to speak up, so I began to just speak up more and stand up for myself because the pain in my throat was bad and I wanted it to end and it did.

I've been reading Veno's Structural Resonance documents on the desteni.co.za forum they are supportive now I require to support myself and walk the correction.

I will be regularly updating these blogs regarding my body because as I investigate and walk these it takes time.

Thanks for reading.

Pain 1

2011-02-28T11:27:00.001-08:00

Ok so I'm here listening to the sound of copy machines in the background and guy next to me smacking his gum - my ankle is sore - I keep getting phone calls today that are hang ups or the the wrong number - what is up with that? - For a moment I thought someone was keeping tabs on me and then I laughed and realised I was tricking myself because I'm not that important lol!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if someone was keeping tabs on me I would be considered important

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that someone may be out to get me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be paranoid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear when I get multiple wrong number phone calls or hang ups that someone is up to no good

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make something out to be more then it is - People calling with the wrong number or people just hanging up I don't have to create an idea about it or form a judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts and make judgments or come up with ideas as to why I kept getting hang ups or wrong numbers

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to fear trusting others because I fear trusting myself

So, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain throughout my body

I will list them for myself in order from first to last

right wrist and right elbow - simultaneously

right ankle, sprained 3 times

neck, upper shoulder, upper back - Simultaneously

left thumb

outer thighs, both sides - feel bruised

My thumb and ankle are the most prominent and consistent

I'm not sure if I have carpel tunnel syndrome or if I'm just worried I do because my mom had it:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the worst case scenario and assume I may in fact have carpel tunnel syndrome because my mom had it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have all of the ailments that my parents have or have had

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I couldn't find a job with health insurance I won't be able to get surgery for my carpel tunnel, if that is what it is

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a starting point of and as fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having health insurance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having access to health insurance and at the same time not move myself to do everything in my 'power' to make a better world for all no matter what it takes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to fear as an excuse to not stand up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest and for make excuses

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego and to allow and accept ego to have power over me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself in an attempt to maintain a certain level of superiority in my world and control

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing control and to fear that if I can not control my environment that I will be put in a vulnerable position that I wont like

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe or perceive I can control anything or the future

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear vulnerability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear depending on others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear receiving unconditional support without giving something in return, thus I forgive myself for not standing equal to all and for considering myself equal and one to and as support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if someone supports me that I will be forever indebted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the separation of myself through accepting and allowing myself to go into morality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to anything considered moral because morality is based on polarity manifestations and not what is real in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of morality because then I will be walking the unknown

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stand equal to all that exists as me here

My right wrist and elbow hurt often and I notice it primarily after I've been typing for long periods of time, I also notice the pain when I go into the mind and become possessed by a point or when I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in self judgment- I have noticed the self judgement I experience is not as extensive as before and I do not give it attention but it is still comes up, I direct the point as myself and stop my participation through breathing and speaking self forgiveness and self corrective statements aloud.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create self abusive thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a pattern of self abuse through accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embrace and love myself unconditionally

I will stop here and continue the rest in my next blog. I had no clue this would be this long :)

Thanks for reading.

DIY Body System-Drilling

2011-02-27T06:15:00.000-08:00

DIY Body System-Drilling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkD_xhp74nQ&feature=player_embedded

"Refuse To Remain Quite"

2011-02-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

So I write... I have been slacking off on blogging - I was told that someone was reading my blog and ever since that day I subconsciously or unconsciously maybe stopped and I did not go into guilt about stopping either, I justified it by saying I was so busy and working very hard and making excuses as to why it wasn't necessary for me to blog and one day led to two and two to three and then five full days later I decided fuck I better get to it.

I read in on the desteni forum a post that Bernard made and it simply said - "refuse to remain quiet" and I reacted because I was doing just that, remaining quiet and then I looked at the point and thought to myself well shucks, I am busy and I don't have anything to speak about, even after reading that supportive post I still allowed myself to remain quiet for a few more days and then I made a "surfacy" blog yesterday just to put one out because I knew it was necessary -I have committed to writing daily and I am fully aware that I was fucking with myself through accepting and allowing limitation through listening to mind chatter and for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by thoughts.

I have heard of ghost writers but rarely ghost readers it's cool I'm grateful people read my blog and maybe I can be of some support through assisting and supporting myself to do what must be done, do what I say I will do and stick to my guns about it - stand up for myself in every moment of breath.

In my life I have perpetually allowed myself to give up and give in and and not take things seriously, not take myself seriously. I've been inclined to do things somewhat half heartedly, I just did - I do not really know why though - I don't know when this began but if I recall it was early on, I think at some point I became insecure and that was at a tender age. I do not know what caused this insecure / inferiority I experienced but it almost seems like its always been here, maybe I thought I was special and that for some strange reason I didn't have to and I usually used the excuse that I wasn't good enough or that I couldn't or tried to bullshit my way out of any type of commitment or responsibility, being in process I challenge all the programming I have existed as for my entire life and I suppose it's not so much of a challenge as it is a letting go of and directing myself and just changing and never accepting or allowing myself to look back or to fall back into old system designs because through applying self forgiveness I have realised these are just ideas that I have of myself and I can simply stop my participation. Keeping this 'entity' alive by thinking about why I am not good enough is self dishonesty. The other day in chat on the forum Kristina said "Push past the idea of yourself Deedra - Self trust" - in that moment I went inside myself like a curling up inside myself and I could hear the mind's back chat saying but, but no this is me though, you don't understand,,, I can't do what you guys do and then I realized if I were to accept that and spew out what the mind says then I would just be stuck within that same vicious cycle endlessly and I actually cried a bit as soon as she said that and thats a point of manipulation I have used in the past to get what I want or rather get out of doing things and in trying to prove that the limitations I have accepted and allowed for so long are indeed valid but it is self dishonest and so I just replied with I will do my best and I will fuck it. I will myself because I am a self willed EQUAL, I trust myself, I love myself, I accept myself unconditionally and I correct myself and stand and do what is best for all and I will not accept or allow limitations within and as me, it is unacceptable to make excuses for myself or to listen to the mind chatter because that has proven to be poisonous and I am the one accepting and allowing the poison to be created in the first place so I stop this behavior because I simply do not accept or allow myself to abuse myself. Til here no further.

Thanks Kristina I appreciate the support and assistance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain quiet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack off and justify why I have allowed limitation within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I am limited

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what other people think about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my writing ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically assume that whoever reads my blog that is not in process will judge it, judge me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thinking and for creating and following thoughts of inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind and to believe that I am inferior or too busy or have nothing to say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and then place myself as inferior, primarily I do this with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to women and then go into inferiority because I have accepted the idea of myself as inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through participating in the mind consciousness systems as thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, beliefs, polarities, secrets, back chat, fear, perceptions, and judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this idea to move direct and control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the idea that I am inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within and as me through existing as energy +/-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck as energy between both polarities inferiority/superiority because I was not willing to stand equal to all that exists as me here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project superiority because I am attempting to cover up the experience of myself as inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self compromise through accepting and allowing limitation with and as me and for existing in the mind as thoughts charged as either +/-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind as thoughts and not live here within and as the physical but only as a system due to accepted and allowed participation in polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to what someone said to me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself, move myself, write and share myself unconditionally as all as one as equal as life

I am here

Body Language - Body Movements

2011-02-24T05:52:00.001-08:00

Now that I have been walking my process and I am here, I am aware of my human physical body and have noticed in my vlogs that my body movements are pre-programmed and not self expression equal and one.

I move my body almost exactly the same way my sibling and parents move. My facial expressions are especially similar to my siblings. Some of my body movements are exactly like my mom and others are exactly like my dads, now that I've written this out I also noticed that my mom and dads body movements are like their parents too. My cousins also move like their parents.

I talk with my hands a lot and I find this to be related to cultural programming. Another point is when I hear my own voice it sounds similar to my sibling, cousins and aunts. There have been times when I got my cousins voice mixed up over the phone or been confused about whether or not it was their mother I was speaking to because they all sounded so similar.

I was aware of my body movements and eye movements but not so much my facial expressions and hand movements - I have always been fascinated by body language - I enjoy dancing and physical work and when I heard at Desteni that even our body movements are pre-programmed it fascinated me and I could see for myself that yes this is true. So now when I dance I also notice that the way in which I move and have been moving this entire time was all pre-programmed and not self expression at all. I thought my dance moves were 'unique' LOL!

I wonder now though if say for instance a child is separated from their parents at birth if they would still move in the same way their parents do? I will also investigate this point.

The tonalities I use are also due to cultural programming - I hear the same tonalities in other people of the same race as me and what comes across is a soft, caring, motherly, almost inferior sound, like self sacrificing, overly nice it is high in the middle of a phrase for instance with some softness to it and drawn out at the end. I've heard this in both males and females with the same or similar background to my own.

Within viewing myself in vlogs I can tell that when I speak certain words that I have placed value on and limited to polarity +/- I make a particular face along with it and it is programming not actual self expression because self expression is not limited to polarity manifestations. An example is when I have a perception about something and speak about it I tend to squint my eyes and sometimes I notice my eyes get watery when I laugh or am expressing 'happiness'

I also enjoy watching videos about body language regarding how to present myself as assertive or in control in order to be more successful in business. I see now that there are ways we program each other simply by the way we move and sound. There are mulitiple mico-expressions that I am starting to take note of and now when I engage in conversations with people or make vlogs I am much more aware of my facial expressions and body in general.

This has been fun, interesting and fascinating to investigate and I will blog more on what I realize now that I am becoming more aware of myself as my body equal and one.

Oh one more thing, I have even noticed that this type of programming is existent in my cats haha, so animals are also pre-programmed to move in particular ways.

And no matter what country one is from or what language one speaks facial expressions are universal.

Self Awareness

2011-02-17T15:07:00.001-08:00

Ok - I am here the sound of the air conditioner in the background and the sound of my fingers hitting the keyboard keys, I have nothing to talk about in particular well, today I read around in the Desteni.co.za website articles and man they are fascinating and interesting and many times when I read the articles I see the same within me and it is recognizable as if it is me that actually experienced the event or events because it is so similar or I have experienced the same in a different manifestation, we are all the same and equal to what we accept and allow and we do not realise our oneness and how our life's are all pretty much the same, different pictures, thoughts, feelings, emotions, judgments, opinions, ideas, beliefs, knowledge, information, some more extensive then others, some beings exist on one side of the polarity and some on the other and some seem to exist as both synonymously but most of all just about no one is ever here bringing all parts of self here as breath as all as one as equal. I experience shame and regret for my forgetfulness as spite and spiting another as forgetfulness with no regard at all for what others may experience because of my careless irresponsible so called 'human nature' I hear that word often when I talk openly about an equal monetary system. I hear "Oh Deedra please, that will not work it just won't work because it goes against human nature - Really? What is human nature anyway? - human and nature look as though they are oxymoron's because as humans we usually destroy nature and what is here as nature as ourselves as our human physical bodies what is here as this physical existence all are in, well most don't thats the point most do not experience nature and are too busy with the hustle and bustle of every day survival to experience the physical always in the mind thinking, plotting, planning, scamming, scheming, searching for new ways to get rich quick -never considering our neighbors just moving quickly, thinking quickly, reacting quickly, trying to have a quick wit to seem as though more intelligent or more evolved then the next, but in this we miss the point, we miss what is here, we miss ourselves, we miss life and we neglect ourselves as life we neglect what is here in and as this physical reality and sometimes we even just want to exist in the mind as thoughts, finding ways to move on to another dimension or so called heaven or even hell and some want to be enlightened and others seek death as if it will give them life some want to become martyrs and others priests but still in all this we miss something so important what is here within and as the physical our own human physical bodies and this is in part why we when I bring up equality and oneness and equal money I hear but, but, it's not our nature it's not human nature to consider another and that is the 'excuse' I hear most often - because of human nature equal money will never work. and my response is, No that is not true, I will not accept or allow this any longer, I am a human being in this human physical body and so are you and I know that we require to stand up for and as life and to do whatever it takes to create a new monetary system so that abuse can and will be avoided so that people and animals won't have to endure suffering for no reason other then we couldn't come up with an agreement that is best for all, because we keep on giving ourselves the excuse that its 'human nature' I am a human and my nature is here as me within and as the physical within and as breath as all as one as equal as life and my nature and will is to do what is best for all that is here as one with me - this is an excuse beings tend to say to accept limitation and to allow what is here when they arrived as the way things are and the way they will always be but I just do not agree if one has a look around one will see clearly that what we are busy co-creating is a mess and NOTHING and NO ONE will stop this for us, we must stand up and stop ourselves from creating a place that is brutal, abusive, angry, shameful, toxic, a place beings want to flee from to such an extent they can not even consider another and just keep their heads in a book or books or try to meditate and sit on a pillow imagining they are not here with people who are starving, people who are in physical pain, plants being killed, animals that are abused so extensively, people can not even bear to watch when videos are shown to them exposing the abuse that exists in this world people say turn that OFF or turn away I CAN NOT watch THAT! Turn that off your sick for looking at that well guess what THAT is what we are and have accepted and allowed THAT is what we need to see and man there are only a few times in most peoples lives that are reading this when they actually see the brutal nature of man in effect but it happens everyday right now as I write this blog, extensive pain is being felt and I am not referring to emotions or feelings I am referring to physical pain, people are loosing it and are becoming full on demonic. When will we stop? When will we change? What has to take place in order for beings to get the message that NO ONE is coming on a cloud NO ONE is waiting for us somewhere out there no one is looking out for us, NO ONE is accountable for beings. There is NO GOD there is NO GOD we fucked ourselves on our own we have limited ourselves so extensively can you even fucking believe it? This realisation does not require a belief system or a story this requires simply looking outside and seeing the condition of the earth the sky the air hearing the screams and moans of children and adults hearing the squeal of animals in pain because of our brutality and our disregard and our so called dominion over animals we have dominated animals and not taken care of them as one with ourselves we have not taken care of nature and we have not supported nature or animals we have not given a flying fuck about anything or anyone but ourselves we only give a fuck about ourselves and now we have this mess to face and we HAVE to fix it because it is simply the responsibly of each and every single one of "us". Before I found Desteni and heard the beings coming through the portal I was devastated because I realized prior to finding Desteni that their just might not be a god but I was not devastated because I was not being self responsible and I was causing abuse I was devastated because I believed a lie and I manipulated myself into believing it and I was the lie but I still did not give a fuck about another I was still stuck in this mind bubble that I believed was me was real and was valid but I was still shattered and befuddled because I had nothing to hold onto nothing was stable I was not stable and my beliefs could not stablize me because they crumbled at my feet, I had defined myself by my beliefs and now that I had no more to believe in I thought to myself I may as well die after all I thought I was useless and meaningless but after finding Desteni I realized that I was the one I had been looking for all my life, I was searching and searching as if my baby was lost within a huge amusement park, I searched high I searched low I searched love, I searched light, I searched mysticism, I searched strangers, I searched money, I searched men, I searched and I searched and I searched and I searched my entire existence was one long timelooped search and after all of that I realised I am here - OMG I am fucking here. I am the one I have been searching for and the shame and regret I experienced was immense and the fear I experienced was as well because I realised now that not only was i 'hurting' myself but my self dishonesty was hurting others my abuse toward myself was also creating an outflow of abuse and pain and even agony in this world, rape, violence, war, hunger, starvation, eating disorders, animal cruelty, blindness, deafness, Man.. I disregarded myself all along, I disregarded myself and all along I had people with me in agreement with me that my belief systems were real because they so much wanted to know as did I that there was some just reason why all the shit that manifests in this world happens for some 'unknown' reason beyond us. WOW! I can not believe I did this and the regret I had and still have is immense but with the tools that are available at Desteni I have supported myself and have forgiven myself and continue to take responsiblity for what I have accepted and allowed and self honesty is something else Desteni suggests SELF HONESTY no one else's honesty no morality no rules - simply breathing, writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective action to stop and change and no longer exist as a program walking a preprogrammed "life path" no longer accepting or allowing myself to be asleep no longer accepting or allowing the idea that someone died for my sins because it is my responsibility to do what is best for all - I am here - I am a self willed equal join us at Desteni and wake up before it is too late find out how to stop - It is time to pop a bubble.

Bubbles & The Theory of Everything PART I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Lvngrxip_0

Introduction to Desteni part 1 - DesteniProductions - Annotations added Dec 2010

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-AF-ujBtHY

Not Sleeping but Still Not Awake

2011-02-14T12:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was in a slump since the moment I awoke and I allowed myself to be in a state of depression the entire day. My starting point as soon as I woke up for the day was that it was my last day off prior to my long seven day work week ahead and I needed to 'relax' to prepare and I had nowhere to be because it was my day off, So when I woke up I immediately began to think instead of breath here and act.

Within this self dishonest starting point I created the outflow of tiredness and laziness and I was thinking so much that I got depressed, in moments throughout the day I wanted to cry my eyes out but I did not allow myself to go there because I knew it was no use and would not be supportive for me. I told myself I don't have time to cry and crying never solved anything and I knew it wasn't a point of crying as a release as self support because I knew in order to cry I would require to think and actually make myself get in a state of sadness where I had to actually direct myself to cry by participating in 'sad' thoughts. So I didn't cry because I saw that it would be self-manipulation and me just feeling sorry for myself and unacceptable.

I still had not dealt with the heaviness and this experience of overall exhaustion, I just moped around and I noticed an interesting thing - I had a strong desire for sex and it was also in part due to pictures that were formed in my mind due to not participating in the physical so that was a bit odd and almost scary to recognize just what happens when I am not here and in my mind. My mind goes to thoughts about sex when I am not here and in a state of 'depression' or 'boredom' so I deleted the pictures and spoke self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I now had to take responsibility for myself and direct myself and stop allowing myself to wallow around the house, so that is what I did, I started to cook and clean and also make a vlog and so that was cool because it was simple to make and effective and self supportive because I wasn't sitting around giving my power away to the mind or making the mind more important then what is here in and as the physical. Today when I woke up I did what Sunette suggested I breathed in and stretched out my arms moved my legs and got right up and directed myself to move here in and as the physical and not spend any time in the mind thinking.

I did notice a slight sluggishness and also my eyes were very red and my right eye felt like it wanted to shut like it wanted to stay closed and asleep so I kept rubbing it and looking into it but nothing was stuck in there and so I decided to have some water lots of it, my eye is back to normal now but I just wanted to note this and also write it out so I can refer to Veno's Structural Resonance documents on the Desteni.co.za website so that I can investigate what the right eye means and see how that correlates to my experience.

here is the vlog I made - enjoy!

Dee-Odor-RANT!

NUCLEAR WASTE

2011-02-10T15:24:00.000-08:00

I read an article today in my local news paper about how Sandia National Laboratories supported a country with transporting 'spent fuel' and because of the labs help apparently we are safer in the world. Now we can safely ship waste, not just any waste - nuclear waste. Waste we have created to kill and destroy - let's give ourselves a pat on the back why don't we? Is this true development?

What would give me a sense of comfort is knowing that we have an equal money system in place to prevent these types of epic fuck ups and also knowing that we are ALL doing everything we can to make a better world for children and the children to come and for all that is here on this earth. Children should not have to suffer the consequences of our action or inaction due to the fact that so many are not willing to be self honest with regards to what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become one and equal to.

We are all on this planet sharing the same air, under the same sun, how come so many people do not recognize equality as the only solution? 1+1=2

The things we have accepted and allowed in this world are a shame, this story is manipulative and it may be unintentional because we have simply allowed this type of stuff for such a long time, so many do not recognize the starting point was that of separation.

This article only shows a temporary solution to clean the mess of our manifested self dishonesty but does not share the solution of how to prevent this from happening in the first place or ever again. I do not feel safer because the real problem is not being seen dealt with or resolved. Now what is the true nitty gritty problem we have on our hands here? It is the current money system as it exists because it was founded on self interest, inequality, winners and losers.

Stories like these just won't take place within an equal money system - We of course still have to walk the manifested consequence of what we already co-created accepted and allowed but once we have walked it through in a new equal money system I see an end to all this absolute none sense.

We don't need bombs!

We need the basics to survive food, water, shelter, clothing, education and within an equal money system the basic needs of all will be provided - We can work together as equals.

It fascinates me all the effort time and money put forth to kill eachother, this is a clear physical reflection of the inner war and madness we exist as, as human beings in separation. It is fine time to be self honest and forgive ourSELF unconditionally and correct what needs correcting and begin here as breath to do what is best for all in all ways so that we can actually enjoy ourselves on this earth and stop fighting, stop the inner wars, stop the spitefulness that creates catastrophes such as war, violence, pain, physical deformities, the diminishment of ourselves as life.

Wars are fought over resources to get money to then have 'power', because of course beings have such an immense fear of loss that they will go great lengths and risk the death of millions to maintain a sense of so called 'security' for themselves ONLY. What a mess.

People go to great lengths to have more money then the next guy, ruler or president ect...

Some say that war is not about money and that it is about power, if you have a look money=power and people use this power to control the movement of money, so that money will always remain in the hands of a few so that they can swap it back and forth and think that this is how they can remain 'safe' but the starting point is fear. This is not real power by any means. We have programmed ourselves throughout our live's that there are always winners and losers, 'survival of the fittest' - In many instances when I've mentioned an equal money system beings can not even fathom equality because of all the programming that has been accepted and allowed and blinded the eyes of many who will not even consider equality and not realize that equality is the only solution we have. Within giving unconditionally to another 'equal money' each will benefit. When did equality become taboo? If you react to equal money and world equality take note of just how much you have allowed yourself to diminish.

We are always equal to what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become why not be equal to and as life here within and as the physical.

Equal money will be a point within which beings can drop the veil that anyone can 'own' anything in this world, everything is provided to us by the earth it is not ours everything belongs to the earth.

A starting point of greed, fear, self interest and the current money system has caused many to become deaf and blind to what is real - the physical. The earth sustains all, plants, water, animals, everything we require is already here, so why have we created a stumbling block to prevent all to have unconditional access to the NECESSARY resources required for survival, such as food, clothes, water, shelter education, ect.

Equal money for all is the only solution within which to bring about equality to this world. Money is not evil it is our starting point within it - money is a tool that can be used to transfer goods and why not it be equal for all?

We disregard life just like we have disregarded nuclear waste but there is always a consequence. Either we do this peacefully if that is 'possible' considering all the pain and suffering taking place at this very moment but as 'peacefully' as we can at this point and change ourselves and exist here in and as the physical and stop existing in the mind just looking for ways to win, and acquire money - we have diminished ourselves so extensively and we must stop. Til here no further.

Equality is real love - I stand for and as a solution and will do what is best for all and I am one of many that can do this simple mathematical equation 1+1=2 can you?

Support life be 1 vote for world equality and an equal money system.

Join us - If you care, if you dare... EqualMoney.org, DesteniIprocess, Desteni.co.za

To read the full article mentioned, click below.

https://share.sandia.gov/news/resources/news_releases/aktau-reactor/

Thank you

What is true robbery?

2011-02-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

In the local news today a I read that banker was robbed at gun point, police caught the 'suspect'

I had a look at what the starting point that a person might have where in which robbing a bank at gunpoint is an option.

Let's say the 'robber' doesn't give a fuck about anyone else's life, well maybe he at the very least cared about his own or maybe not because the 'robber' not only risked his life he also risked the life of many others for example bank employees, bystanders, police officers, children. This is quite a weighty risk, let's say he at the very least least ends up in jail and has to spend a good amount of his life in jail that is still quite a shitty option - Is all of THAT really worth it? It is for many this is the so called "free choice" people have.

Not to mention the implications of sending people to jail for committing crimes such as these and now the 'tax payers' 'money' is used to feed and house the so called 'criminal' - it is a fascinating fuck up.

The robber may have done it for drug money or it may have been for survival, either way in an Equal Money System story's like these will be nearly obsolete and could be prevented by providing all with income to cover their basic needs from birth to death.

Bank tellers risk their lives daily as do police officers, drug dealers, druggies, thieves and they all for one thing -Money - It just depends which side of the coin one happens to be on.

I am not implying that we give money to people for drugs, but drug dealers sell drugs to obtain money and the majority of drug dealers have little to no education and have no other means of survival, or maybe have the option to survive for a while by the hair of their assess, but why do that, when they can just become a drug dealer because if they get caught they will just go to prison where their basic needs are met. If a person would never have to consider becoming a drug dealer and risk their own life everyday to survive there will be much less reason for people to be drug dealers and the outflow of that would be less people addicted to drugs and why are people addicted to drugs? Because drugs are addictive to ensure repeat costumers. It's all one gigantic fuck up!

The money system as it currently exists is not effective just look at the few examples I have shared and there are stories like these across the board, all around the world.

Events like this robbery take place because of a faulty, unequal money system, a system that supports greed and disregards life. The input is always the output so now we have another scenario where greed and the disregard for life continues. This cycle can be prevented by creating a new money system that supports life, is what is best for all and is founded and has the starting point of equality - if we input equality the output is equality.

It is a simple equation. Can you do the math?

1+1=2

Story's like these will increase and brutality will also increase because of the brutality of our current money system - time to stop this inhumane way of existing and start to consider our neighbor and treat our neighbor as we would like to be treated.

What is best for all is best for self.

Beings would not even have to consider such extremes to acquire money if their basic needs are met- this is simple common sense. The current money system is bullshit and is not working.

The solution that is best for ALL Life is Here - EMS - Equal Money System.

Lets change the way we do things and change ourselves, lets stop crimes against life that are caused by the current money system due to desperation.

ENOUGH is ENOUGH it is time to stop allowing ourselves to rob from eachother to be robbers of LIFE - STOP -Investigate Equal Money - JOIN US!

http://equalmoney.org

Writing, Equal Money, Education, World Equality!

2011-02-07T15:28:00.001-08:00

I was busy writing and rewriting a blog for the the past two hours it was entitled:

"I live in one of the most impoverished and crime filled states in America"

Is this a coincidence, I strongly doubt it.

I simply wanted to show and share the correlation between poverty and crime and how an equal money system will lower crime and death because most crime is done for one reason - Money. An interesting statistic I came across today when searching for information regarding crime and poverty, stated that the majority of people in jail were poverty stricken and made less then $10,000 a year.

But while writing this out I began to judge myself due to my limited vocabulary, I often struggle with writing and sometimes get to a point where I go into self doubt about my ability to express what it is here as me - passion regarding world equality and equal money.

So I rewrote that dang blog over and over again and then I became bewildered because the points that I wrote about began to interconnect and intertwine to everyone and everything. It is fascinating the money systems of this world move everything and are the source of most of the abuse, pain, separation and fear in and of this world - Capitalism is a crime against life and is not acceptable. Even people that have huge sums of money are enslaved to it, by it.

We are all equally responsible for this mess that we have co-created and have a responsibility to do something to change it so that no one has to suffer because of a money system founded on greed, founded on winners and losers.

An equal money system is the solution that is best for all, is simplistic and supports life - Investigate equal money and if you are reading this you are ABLE to do something to stop hunger, abuse, crime, pain separation ect...

If I had grown up in an equal money system I would have been better educated, and educated about what is important - LIFE - Maybe I wouldn't have such extensive inferiority issues because I would have been born into a world where I was immediately considered an equal to all.

I will continue to write and through writing I will also develop proper speaking skills - I am grateful to have the opportunity to blog and share myself and to do what is best for ALL so that ALL may live a life of dignity. Within an equal money system beings will be supported within and as self expression and no longer fear one another but be an unconditional support to one another to be and live as our highest expression and no longer do things in spite of it all. I want to live in a world that I am proud to bring any child into no matter where they live or what family they are born into because they will also be unconditionally supported when they arrive here.

I have been working on and am committed to increasing my vocabulary. Vocabulary is important to me, words are important to me because they are an expression of myself and are a tool within which I am able to share what is best for all and I can express myself within and as specificity so that beings can understand what I share and so that I can build a bridge to close the gap of separation.

What I am writing now is much more simplistic then before and is flowing, it is not forced and I am not 'trying' to sound intelligent or like someone else. I am simply being myself, breathing expressing what is here as me.

Thanks for reading my blog today and for those that are breathing in awareness thanks for being HERE.

Here as Life

2011-02-04T07:22:00.000-08:00

Here as Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a0XctUsazI

Youtube Channel: Miniexperimentalfilm

Music: 'Liveeee' by Matti Freeman

Film by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be forgetful about what is important because I allowed myself to create and follow thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing limitation within and as me by allowing forgetfulness to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind therefore being subjected to polarity manifestations of the mind consciousness system remembrance/forgetfulness because I was not here as breath self directive in every moment

as breath here I remain - I bring all parts of myself here and do not require to remember because it is all as me here as presence within and as self honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in energy

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain constant and consistent within my application

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to take mySELF seriously

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about a solution to stop the gloominess I experience

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to support myself in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself wait for something fucked up to happen before I will face myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself within and as every moment of breath to do what is best for all in all ways always

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what a pain it will be to redo all my self forgiveness' because I was not effective the first time

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought, even if for a moment that I may not make it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing doubt to exist in me about what I am able to do

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be specific within my application and for not caring about myself enough to be specific within constantly and continuously applying myself within specificity to do what is best for all in every moment of breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in a dream like state and not consider the physical as what is here as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a mockery of myself through not applying myself effectively

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to apply myself to live as an example in every moment to accumulate all parts of self within and as what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have future projections

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and limited to memories

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that because of who i've been that I am now limited and this is all I am capable of becoming

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought that because of the diminishment I have allowed within myself I do not deserve to birth myself as life from the physical

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest and not take self responsiblity for what I have allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a thought such as that to diminish me

I no longer accept or allow anything less then who I am as life here within and as the physical as all that exists as one with me

I no longer accept or allow myself to think about breathing

I no longer accept or allow outside events or pain to have to manifest before I will face myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by outside events or pain only and for not being the self directive principle of and as me

I face myself here in every moment

I not longer accept or allow any excuse from myself or another as me

I do not accept or allow myself to abuse myself

I do not accept or allow abuse in and of this world

I am here, I express, I breathe, I correct myself, I direct

I do what is best for all and I will do what is necessary to be done to bring about an equal money system and equality and oneness through the accumulation of 1+1 within and as common sense

I no longer accept limitation - til here no further

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist in the mind as thoughts - I stop I support me unconditionally - I will no longer accept myself to be separate from life

I accept myself unconditionally as what I have become and I direct myself to change and embrace change I reprogram myself to be one and equal to all that exists

I remain here as life

Accident

2011-02-02T19:22:00.000-08:00

I was in a car wreck yesterday. I was to work until 5:30pm my co-worker asked my manager if it was possible that we all (meaning the staff) get off of work around 3pm due to the weather the roads were icy and we did not want to be in a position that would be unsafe or be unable to get home. My boss said he would ask the other people he required to report to and get back to us. We were to hear something by 2pm but we never did and I noticed none of the staff was leaving early so I figured we didn't get approved to leave early. I did call to check up 2 times but I did not get an answer, I did not know really what I should do at that point because I did not want to leave and then get in trouble and lose my job but I knew that there was a good chance I would be fucked if I was stuck in a storm in my car. Also I did not really want to leave early because my hours have been cut because business is slow but I knew it made the most sense to just leave as soon as I could to assure I would be safe. So finally at around 4:10pm I got an e-mail from my boss saying - go ahead and take off. I experienced a bit of blame because I felt in that moment that he was acting as if he was doing me a favor. Anyway I left it was cold a fuck outside and snowing and the roads were quite slick and icy. It was scary driving home my drive home is 30mins so it was quite a task inching by sliding the whole way there and then we got to this point where a steep hill presented itself and cops had shut down the road that is when I started to get very pissed off at my boss and my boss's go to guy for approval I thought those assholes do not give a fuck about me or anyone working there. WTF I can not believe that this happened and then I recalled my commitment to no back chat and also not thinking or saying things that I wouldnt be willing to say to everyone so I spoke sf and decided to take what came in stride. But there were people slipping and sliding all over the road near accidents and accidents every few miles i mean even in one mile of road you would see maybe 1-2 people stalled out and maybe a wreck and back ups so I was getting quick scared, unfortunetly the road block did not have an alternative because it was just closed before I got there so there was a detour to nowhere really so everyone was circling around trying to find a way southwest but there was no open outlet so it was a huge cluster fuck on ice and I did not have a phone because I hate carrying my cell phone so I definately learned my lesson next time I will bring a phone anywhere I go. Finally I get to a place that seemed like an option and but for about 20mins I just slide and slide and was getting nowhere. I began to get anxious, I was focused on my breath I think It was too late because I could not get a steady constant breath, I felt as if i had to take very deep breaths to just stop the nervousness, I was fearful that I was so afraid that I would cause a wreck, finally somehow I began moving again and turned back because I knew I could not make it up any hill even the tiniest ones so I was going to make a right turn and when I did I realised I was sliding and to prevent sliding into a light pole I went into the opposite side of the road and hit a car waiting to turn. It happened in slow motion but fast I was so scared, I was not present I didn't respond well I could have honked or done something but instead I just clenched the steering wheel and pressed the brake but that did not help because I just slide right into him. So we exchanged info and then I was really concered because I felt like I was fucked, no phone, no man, no way to get home it was 14 degrees outside and my car was wrecked. So I don't know why I went into such detail about this point, I guess just to see it for myself because I do have a bit of fear now about driving and also there is a bitter part of me toward my boss and the system and I know it is pointless because it is here as me this also delays my plans because its going to cost quite a bit of money to fix it. I feel defeated a bit. I also managed to sprain my ankle twice within an hour when I was in Texas and it's swollen and hurts. I know my fear of hitting someone or getting in a wreck manifested. I could have prevented it if I was here - it was quite a test to be in a stressful and dangerous situation and remain here unfortunately I failed myself - I'm going to stop writing here because I am just whining and I won't allow myself to continue going in that direction. I will drink water and breath. I will be back when I get out of this place I am at and write the necessary self forgiveness.

Thanks if you read all the way to this point lol.

Give It Up!

2011-02-01T12:31:00.001-08:00

Ok so this is in reference to Cerise's blog she suggested to 'give it up!' and not say one word that I am not willing to say in front of any person...

I take on this point as myself and will walk and share my experiences. I have attempted to do this throughout my process but have not written about it or actually made a living statement of my commitment to no longer accept or allow gossip or back chat in my mind toward anyone or anything.

Growing up and being around other females this is all we did - Gossip, I guess maybe we did it as a way to bond and get to know each other, well thats not true either, I would observe what they would say about others and then be weary of them the entire time and wonder if they would say the same about me, but did I say THAT out loud? Of course not!

I was with Katie this weekend and we opened up a point about food and it was fascinating to see it unfolding right before us, we both participated in our secret minds and then somehow we just came out and said what was taking place in our secret mind and the fascinating thing is the entire time I was patting myself back in my mind thinking ' wow' Deedra your doing a great job at not being in the mind LOL! What a crock of shit. It was so discrete and automatic, I did not even notice the extent of my dishonesty through allowing thoughts about food to direct me. By simply opening up a point we were able to peel another layer of the onion and get closer to the core of ourselves. Food was the main point we spoke about and justification with regards to food and comparison regarding what we ate as well. But when opening up the point we just laughed about it - really hard - It was cool to see the mind fuck for what it was, it is quite extensive so more points continue to unfold. But the reason I said that is because it is supportive to say things out in the open instead of keeping it within the secret mind and conjuring up all kinds of ideas that can happen so quickly.

- I breathe and remain here and support myself within and as self responsibility, unconditional support and assistance, self direction, self expression, self control, self trust to walk this point.

Thanks Cerise for opening up this point.

Mountain Out Of A Mole Hill

2011-01-25T07:36:00.000-08:00

It's weird this experience of myself, it is as though I have a ton to write about and work through but also at the same time I'm angry and bottled up, every point seems overwhelming. I have allowed myself to suppress myself for the past week - It is like a storm is furiously moving around me and due to not blogging consistantly I've managed to make a mountain out of a Mole hill.

breath by breath, point by point, moment by moment. here...

First - Breath... Slow down.... Breath... I am here.

First point to work with, This is when I noticed I suppressed myself - SRA - Things have changed in SRA and I reacted to the changes - I was looking forward (future projection) to speaking with the resonances and also I experienced a bit of inferiority and feeling like a failure. I do realize that working on mind constructs for an additional 6 months is best for all and the truth is, I was not confident in my mind construct capabilities. I was glad I got through a few but over all I was not 100% confident I could walk them with another within confidence and support and assist within specificity- I figured over time somehow 'magically' maybe, I would figure it out.

So bringing everything back to self is supportive for me to further explore my reactions and why I reacted in the first place.

I felt sad and memories came up of when I attended school and I failed or was not able to get the work done effectively because I got behind and once I was behind I just totally gave up because I was not able to do it perfectly and I feared asking for help because I did not want to look dumb so I opted not to do it at all, I just gave up on myself. I was fearful of the judgement of others so rather then do the work and be graded 'fairly', I could just say ah well if I really wanted to try I could have easily made an A - Too bad for them! Haha... O' Gee, Whata Doozy. Who was I kidding? Just me... It's always that way isn't it?

I came up with the self definition that I am not good enough & inferior and now the self definition came back up rather quickly and clearly when hearing Bernard's videos. I immediately felt upset that I didn't do more when I had the chance and that I did not study effectively and If I had I would not have to be punished. Within common sense I realise that this is not punishment at all and is what is best for all. Irregardless of the fact that I was fully aware of this decision being in the best interest of all, I still wanted it my way - and so rebellious thoughts ensued.

Muscle communication was quite simple for me. I was very proud of myself, I mean there was a 'learning curve' of course and Andrea is a great instructor. I am confident about it so to hear we won't be using muscle communication as much made me feel shitty because the thing that I was actually 'good' at, we won't be using much or at all anymore and the thing I am 'bad' at mind constructs we will be doing much more of.

Fear of failure is rearing it's head and disappointment in myself that I just can't get things right, and I can't get it together - When people go left I always seem to be going right just when I think I'm on track I get pushed off the track all over again. I just want to go with the flow...

I'm disappointed in myself and also frustrated because I can't get my bank to cooperate with me when making online payments for my SRA Course and every time I try to make a payment the charges are flagged as fraud so it's been delaying my payment, it is not that I intended them to be late. So now my payments were not made consistently and I fear that people at the farm will think I'm incompetent and unreliable and I don't want that.

What is the matter with me? I don't know if people are faking it or if they 'get it' sometimes I wonder if I am smart enough to get this done specifically and effectively.

I STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embrace change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my experience of incompetence and unreliability onto others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the belief that I am incompetent and unreliable

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsiblity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to speak to my resonances and see it as a reward for doing my SRA work on time and well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've been punished because I know that the resonances give me usual support and a cool prespective on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my resonances for guidance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incompetent, unreliable, and ineffective in the projects and lessons I take responsibly for and commit to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself and seek an outlet so that I can blame beings for how I have allowed myself to experience me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've failed and that I'm being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rebel because of perceived punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ability with muscle communication as good and give a positive value to my ability within muscle communication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is someones fault why I won't be able to use muscle communication as much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and frustrated with myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a self belief that I am a failure, unreliable, irresponsible, inadequate, incompetent, and unintelligent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to others in process and as inferior to my SRA lessons

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know what is best for all but still within allow myself to go into anger because things won't work out the way I planned them to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change and changes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future and because of this try to control it through creating future projections and create outcomes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in mind chatter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on thoughts, ideas, future projections, self judgement, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I was experiencing because I don't want to look like I'm whining or not participating effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself and my process from others to be perceived as doing well and failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being noticed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the self dishonesty I exist as if I allow myself to manipulate myself to the point that I blind myself from what is here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am these definitions I have created of and as myself and that it is all I will ever be or ever be able to accomplish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allow myself to act in the best interest of all and for not remaining stable here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind when listening to videos and react because I am in a state of energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a student that fails and so when things change or happen I immediately react and become that child again that is fearful to ask questions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent that I was doing well at something that we are now not going to be utilizing as much or at all anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to blame for why I have limited myself so extensively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into tiredness or sleepiness and use excuses in my secret mind as to why I should not write about this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse within myself that because Andrew spoke on this topic that was enough and if I were to write it out for myself that it was like beating a dead horse and who wants to hear about it anyway

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything less then who I really am

Blogging

2011-01-20T16:22:00.001-08:00

So I am here to write - I just stopped myself from thinking about blogging and thinking about a topic to blog about. For the past hour I was worring - shit, in my mind - fuck what am I going to do? I need to blog... I made a commitment to blogging and I have to blog, but what about? I don't have anything of importance to share I don't have a new and exciting insight or profound understanding of anything at all - So what! I don't have to I am here to support myself within and as writing and sharing and getting things out that are in this mind of mine so that I can correct myself and so I do not stay in the mind. This tricky mind as me I tell you its very quick and things creep in fast sometimes so this is cool support writing this out because I know that I was not breathing effectively and I'm still letting a lot of time go by before I realise I was not present and I was not here within and as the physical when I breath I slow myself down I slow everything down and I am an effective being. So yes this is what is here with me, I was like oh shucks im so busy, im reading, writing, working on SRA, watching vlogs and reading blogs... busy busy busy... Blah

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what to blog about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of something important to say so I will impress people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in the mind as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think rather then act.

I am here - I write - I support myself - I stand equal to and as commitment

Further Self Investigation

2011-01-18T12:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xTjIzzbXTQ

I was with my mom and nephew all day yesterday and I've finally come to realize some things that are quite obvious although I didn't notice these points before because as I stated in an earlier blog -I just did not want to let go, I did not want to realize, I did not want to change, I was fearful of losing her, I was afraid to let go of an idea about a mother, daughter relationship, the idea that I was special to someone and someone was special to me. I was addicted to the energy exchange between us, even though I realized the abuse it caused, I was still allowing myself to participate within it.

I can not and will not change my mother. I can only change myself and be a living example of change - this is the only way I can support mySELF unconditionally. She may go on judging, manipulating, fearing and worrying. I can not stop her this is all she knows and how she's programmed herself and how her mother programmed her because that is all her mother knew and the cycle just recycled and continued - if I hadn't come across Desteni, I could just about guarantee that I would have done the same exact thing with my children if I had had children.

Human beings are programmed and exist in cycles as energy swinging back and forth from positive to negative energetic charges repeatedly, just like a magnetic pendulum swaying back and forth, never getting anywhere just the perception of change because there is movement but it is not self movement it is self enslavement, eternal fuckedness, stuckness between the two polarities - positive and negative, this is what I was doing with her all my life.

I do not blame her anymore, I stop participating within these cycles, I no longer accept or allow myself to participate within programming and relationships that are of the mind. When we were together yesterday, I realised that I was not reacting at all and within a moment also realised that I can not change her and that my starting point within wanting to change her is self dishonest. I wasn't aware of wanting to change her until now that I have opened up this point unconditionally within and as self honesty. If she is going to change she will do it for herself by herself. It was quite egotistical of me to want to change her and a projection to want to change someone in the first place.

I can be quite stubborn and it is self dishonest for me to be stubborn most of the time because it is coming from a point of blame or wanting to win. So within me seeking my mothers approval or seeking to see a change in her or wanting there to be an agreement between us before I would be willing to direct myself is simply self dishonest. Within reacting to these points I showed myself that I am limited to these points for example manipulation, blame, self judgement, fear, patterns. So I correct myself and stop reacting, because I see it for what it is and it is not real and not supportive to me or anyone for that matter and definitely not what is best for all. So all in all, I don't have to wait for my mom to stop judging or wait for her to stop manipulating - I will just remain here breathe and support mySELF within breath - I stop reacting because it is not what is best for all. I don't have to place value on her or myself - I stand equal to and as her and breathe and direct mySELF -I let go unconditionally of this relationship and I stop agreeing to participate within it. Till here no further - I walk the correction. I stand. I am here. I am stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother to change and for not realising I was the one that required to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared change

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of this idea immediately and the illusion because I was selfish and desired to be special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn and want to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energy +/-

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be self honest about my participation within this relationship and for not taking responsibility by and through investigating this point fully immediately and for not writing about it until I was clear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and find other things to keep me busy, so I would not have to face this point because I feared being vulnerable and letting go unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear of loss control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as regret and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in separation with my mother because I formed a relationship within my mind about what and who she is in relation to me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to real-IS-e that I can only lose that which I am in separation with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for what I experienced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make an experience of the mind real

I forgive myself for not realising the support she was giving me as a mirror reflection of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself and correct myself even though I knew I needed to further investigate this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself on the back burner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain within stuckness, fuckedness so that I would not have to change, I would not have to let go, I would not have to stand up and take full responsibility for the mess and separation I allowed and created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self abusive and abuse life because of my accepted and allowed self illusions, and delusions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my mother more then anyone and for not standing equal to and as love as an expression of me as who I am as life equal and one

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move myself and direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mother to act or be a certain way for for acting a certain particular way so that she will be satisfied with me

I forgive myself for disregarding the physical reality by and through participating within mind relationships

Self Expression

2011-01-18T08:13:00.001-08:00

I always looked for ways to express myself and curious how to express myself. What is self expression anyway? I realize now that I limited self expression to an idea that talent and self expression are synonymous. I'd ask myself why are some people talented and others not? Is what I'm interpreting as self expression really self expression at all? I wanted to be comfortable with myself and accept myself unconditionally to trust myself to be 'great' at something, anything. I observed others with a bit of wonder and some jealously because I guess I didn't know just how to be talented, I just wanted an outlet to express myself. If talents are a gift, gifts weren't being handed out when I was born. Watching people dance professionally, hearing song birds sing, seeing art that artists create with simplicity, ease and perfection -I mean it is amazing also those who write or write poetry and even people who can act and some people are amazing at sports, I also enjoyed hearing speeches by people who are articulate and charismatic.

I wanted to be talented damn it! LOL! Why? Well that Is because I always judged people with 'talents' such as some of the few I mentioned above as special and gifted and maybe it was a gift from God. How come God didn't give me a fucking talent or a gift like he did others, so that I would also be able to express myself. I couldn't understand how assholes or mean people could be gifted with talents. Now thats not right? I would think I'm not as much of a jerk as they are - it did not make sense. God must be aware of something that I'm not. Maybe I didn't get a gift or talent because I was bad and didn't deserve it, I just always felt inferior to others in that way.

When I began to study the bible, I was good at it and so I thought that was my 'niche' my calling so to speak and that is what made me special... What a mind fuck.

I've come to realize that I was completely disillusioned about self expression all together and also a lot of talent is learned and goes hand in hand with how much money a person has access to. Some people are 'naturals' rather pre-programmed and some never get a chance to reach their full potential because they don't have the money to buy the supplies or pay for the lessons they require to be as great as they could be and some wind up defining themselves by their talents and then limit themselves within the self definition so it's really not self expression because it can be limiting.

I was kind of jealous of people that had money because when I was growing up we didn't have a lot of extra money, we had money but it was in short supply, we had the basics and I know my parents couldn't afford to have me take music lessons, or dance class, I didn't ask most of the time. I didn't really want to hurt them by asking them for something I knew they wouldn't be able to afford, besides I was fine over all, I just didnt get to indulge in what I thought to be self expression - but I had food and clothes the basics. As I write this I'm still a bit confused if that is what happened or if I was just thinking I did that in an attempt to protect them, maybe I'm imagining things? Well there is some fear lingering within me that my mom might read this and feel hurt I'm saying all of this, but also maybe I'm whining too, because I shouldn't be comparing myself to others anyway and the truth is I'm much better off then most beings in this world. I'm actually one of the elite which is crazy and sad because even still we are all so limited.

I have heard many people call kids in band nerdy, I think it may have been jealousy coming forth because maybe they don't have the money the kids with parents that could afford instruments had and so because they felt inferior they projected the opposite polarity superiority. Secretly I wanted to be in band or have voice lessons, or go to dance class and learn how to dance like a real professional, or even get really good at a sport something you know?

Well after all these years and after finding Desteni and within walking my process, I am now at a point where I see how much bullshit I've allowed and also that my starting point in wanting to be talented was about being superior and I wanted to be better then others at something to rub my own ego.

I realise that self expression is who I am here within and as self honesty doing what is best for all, no matter what I do if I write a song, sing, dance, breathe, play, work, share, write, listen, draw etcetera within the starting point of what is best for all 'equality' then I don't have to be the best at any one thing, I just do what is best for all in every moment and I express myself within this, lately I have noticed that my self expression is emerging and it is not based on talent at all, it's just me expressing me here and doing what is best for all it is this simple. Trying to express myself and comparing myself to others is self dishonest and I would have never be able to express myself in that way. In an equal money system there won't be winners and losers the way there are now - things will be equal and people will have more time to do things they enjoy and share oneself unconditionally and will be able to lift the vail and see one another for real as equals - This is cool and is why I will do what is best for all and how come I support an equal money system as a common sense solution that is best for all. Just imagine for a moment equality, real equality every dimension of the word even standing equal to and as the word equality. What does this imply it implies heaven on earth, a place where we can be proud to bring a child into this world so that all can live a life of dignity and actually live and enjoy real self expression here within and as breath.

2011-01-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

Well I looked closer into my dream - The most memorable part in the dream was that all of them had velvet suits in the same material/fabric but different designs. So I think the same material may represent family systems and the differences are personalities or maybe ideas I have about them. I will re-watch the process support videos regarding itching because I do have a bit of a itching on occasion I did MC on this point a while back and what tested out was 'sister' or something very close to sister. I have done a mind construct and also written self forgiveness regarding my sister and so I feel I have exhausted this point but here again I am clearly communicating with myself within this dream to take a closer look because apparently I have suppressed myself in some way as I can see by my reaction to my sister looking at me in the eyes and then me looking down. I looked down in a shameful way and also briefly I compared myself to her - I compared our bodies. A point I forgot to mention is that my mother and nephew were positioned in between my sister and I and she has said that to me before 'in real life' - that she felt caught in the middle of us. I was upset that she felt that way because I do not want her to choose sides - it is what it is- maybe I've been acting too busy to really settle this point once and for all because it is still stirring around in the background. Also I was shopping for tools and the lady suggested I use and old remedy -tar? To put on the wound maybe that is a reflection of how I suppressed myself in the past, but it is proven to be dangerous because I've time looped? Not too sure about that one - Also someone told me they think they heard the dimensions talk about systems looking tar like in the dimensions so not too sure. But to get clarity I will watch the videos and add what I find within my investigations. Thanks for asking Darryl :)

Black Velvet

2011-01-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

I had a dream that I was at a grocery store or warehouse that sells tools and I was chatting with this women about cream to stop itching and rashes. She needed it for someone and she recommended the person use the cream and or also tar the kind you can get off of roof tops and put it directly on the infected area. I was telling her tar isn't good to put directly on the skin and it may be dangerous, she said it was an old remedy and it works. Shortly there after my mother sister and nephew came in all wearing black velvet jumpsuits matching material but different design - one suit was just right for my mom, her 'style' same with my nephew and sister my sister looked nice in hers. I made a point to avoid her by talking to a stranger in the store with a shopping cart, I tried to look busy. My sister came right up to me and looked me right in the eyes but I looked away and fronted like I didn't care and didn't see her, I talked to my mom for a moment and that was that.

Breath Walking

2011-01-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItMrSHScl2c

Today was an over all chill day. I read some blogs and Desteni material also watched a few vlogs and made a vlog of my own, that was nice. I wasn't nearly as fearful this go around and I even enjoyed myself - I do have to get video editing software so I can perk them up a bit and make my vlogs more presentable but overall it was fun :)

I have windows7 and I haven't found free software that also works with my camera - BooHoo! I will continue looking.

Anyhow, I didn't judge myself about anything really - well, in someways I would have worded things differently but hey, I guess this is what supporting oneself through vlogging and blogging is all about and within actively participating in vlogs and blogs I will become more effective within my application and within speaking and living words as one with me as who I am as life - Also it supports me within and as self trust and self honesty. I am also grateful for the support, comments and thumbs up's! Thanks for the encouragement. :)

I enjoy process it is cool to face my fears because I will no longer allow them to control me.

Darryl told me that Bernard is fearless and that it is fascinating to be around and supportive to experience a being that is a living example of self trust. Well, he said something to that effect but don't quote me. Hehe... Maybe he does have 'some' fear but the common sense kind. One time I read a post by Bernard that said "If you do not fear what you should fear, you are in fearful danger" --I heard that! I'm not sure who coined this but either way it makes sense. I will be fearless one day. I start here within and as every moment of breath.

Daily blogging has been great self support. I enjoy writing and sharing myself because as we all know sharing is caring!

Enjoy,

Deedra :)

2011-01-13T13:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CwICXwLBmo

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a peculiar thing taking place, I listened to a song and had an emotional reaction to this womens voice and I thought wow now that is one beautiful voice - she's got real talent. I did not investigate further I simply turned up the music and sung along. I did not cry but I had a movement within me and wanted to cry. I half heartedly flag pointed my experience - I was aware of 'something funny' but did not direct myself in the moment. I let it go because it was kinda 'nice' - I was moved by the effect this women's voice had on me. I thought cool I'm glad I found out about her music she's great.

I've been moved by music, singers and even people's speaking voices before but this is happening more frequently or maybe I've just now started to become aware of it?

Today on my drive in to work I was listening to a totally different singer and a whole new song and again I became very emotional, this time I actually teared up it - the song was not "sad" at all - it was "upbeat" in fact. I heard the pitch or maybe it was the tone and suddenly my eyes were filled with tears. WTF?

I looked at myself in the rear view mirror, I saw my eyes filled with tears reflecting back at me - Yikes!

Immediately in that moment I said "I STOP" - I breathed and continued to hear the music and I still had a slight movement within me, I thought shit should I turn this off but I realized that wouldn't be self directive either. Shit - I'm not here - I took in a deep breath held in for a moment breathed out and continued with this until the movement was gone - I am here - and spoke self forgiveness out loud, although I was not specific and I require to write it out.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to remain here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies and to allow sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies to trigger an emotion or feeling reaction charge within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a feeling I attached to certain sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies and define certain sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies as good and certain sounds as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with myself and for not making breath a priority when listening to music because I think that then I can take a 'break' from myself and from being here for a moment because I need 'my' time to re'vamp'.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be strict and disciplined with myself .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed off of energy charges and to listen to particular songs to get into particular moods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never consider what I was doing and for not investigating these points sooner because it made me 'feel good'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a way to feed on energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define songs that can evoke emotion or feelings within me as 'great' and 'brilliant'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach memories to particular sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach pictures to particular sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies.

I forgive myself for not directing and correcting myself to stop the first time that I recognized the stir of emotion within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of good / positive and allow myself to be lackadaisical because it felt 'nice'

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stop feelings because I have defined them as good and nice without realizing there is a consequence and also good and nice are words I have defined with a positive charge so the negative polarity also exists within and as me

I remain here and no longer accept and allow myself to remain enslaved to polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within polarity manifestations of the mind consciousness system.

I breath here through and as breathing I will not be subject to emotions, feelings or energetic reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a drug and an escape mechanism which I have done to avoid facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a drug because I have justified it by saying its not hurting anyone which is not self honest existing within the mind is self dishonest and not who I really am and does not support me as who I am as life as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by and through music

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek an outlet a back door for escape.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize that I must in every moment remain self disciplined by and through remaing here within and as breath within every moment otherwise I am not real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by what music I've listened to and listen to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm cool because of the music I like and for thinking I have a great ear for great music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm special because I have defined myself as someone with great taste in music.

I forgive myself for not considering what is best for all when making decisions and for making decisions based in self interest and not doing what is best for all within and as everything I participate within and as every moment of breath

I do not accept or allow myself to escape - I am here I face myself unconditionally

I do not accept or allow myself to make excuses for myself

I do not have to be hard on myself to the point where I want to give up because I've judged myself but rather I will myself and direct myself and remaing here as self discipline because my will is to be and do what is best for all in all ways within and as every single moment of breath

I stand equal to and as sound as music as pitches as tones as frequencies - HERE

What I realised

2011-01-12T15:28:00.000-08:00

I just realized that I've wanted to hold onto the relationship with my mother and this is the primary reason for me not correcting myself effectively. Because I didn't ACTually want to correct my behavior. Maybe it was unconscious or subconscious or even conscious but it was so difficult to recognize because I was still self dishonest about it. I thought somehow I could get away with holding on to her - at least her. It is like a child crying "I want my mama" Like no one could comfort me like her, I thought I was hers. I have a bit of resistance coming up and a bit of an emotional charge in my solar plexus while writing this, breathing... I am here.

So, the point I was not willing to face is I have to let go of her unconditionally, as an idea that she is special, mine, the only person in the world that can love me and care about me like no one else is capable of also I have defined her as superior to me and that what she says is what is best and that she knows best because after all she is my "Mother" and isn't that enough??

I have played this daughter role as inferiority toward my mother because that has always been the relationship we've had. She knows best and I listen and do as she says. I played this role as a daughter and covered up the reason why I reacted to her and also I can see the polarity manifestation within this as well, the rebellion within me to do the opposite of what she suggests.

I haven't dealt with the core point the point is I can no longer exist within this relationship of abuse and vampirism- I stop the idea that I have a mother and that I am a daughter - I don't need that one person in the world that one 'special' person to hold onto to - to love more then anyone else and I don't want her to love me more then anyone else because that is not love it's a game a manipulative one where no one wins. Just the ego of the mind.

I see it so clearly now I've been blaming her and my father even if I don't come out and say it it's tacitly implied and it's like well, jeeze you did this and you did that and you left me no other choice bla bla bla.... This is bullshit - the truth of me is that I've allowed the fear of severing the relationship 'ties' to control me therefore I only existed as energy and continuously reacted because I knew that would be the spark to start the fire all over again now that the smoke has cleared I can see - I fucked up I left a back door available this whole time.

I can see that this is quite a construct - this is what I have for now.

Daughter Personality

2011-01-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkuuKwlBrIk&feature=player_embedded

I have been quite angry lately, the simplest things set me off - for instance my mom came over to visit a couple of days ago - everything was 'fine' we were just chatting - she had been sick so she hadn't come over in a while and didn't want me to go to her house either so that I wouldn't catch her cold. She has had this cold for over three weeks now, my nephew was also sick for about a month and is finally feeling better, well she decided that it would be fine now for them to come and see me. When we were chatting she said something to me that really pissed me off, I reacted immediately, she said "Deedra you should tell your hairdresser to stop cutting your hair so short." She had a disgusted look on her face. It really struck a cord with me and I reacted immediately to what she said by raising my tone of voice and saying "My hair is fine! - I'm so sick of everyone always trying to tell me how to look, what to wear, and that my hair is too short! I like it this way - I was the one who told my hairdresser to cut my hair this short and a matter of fact I cut it myself initially." Once I got to the hairdresser she said "Oh No Deedra, you've been cutting your hair again haven't you?" I said "Yes I'm sorry."

Over time I have formed a habit when I get angry - I take it out on my hair. I have now flag-pointed this behavior and it always starts when I'm not Here as Breath and am in the mind and think and go into self judgement that I'm not good enough or I can't be perfect, then I get more angry and do things like shave, cut or pull on my hair. And say things like "I hate my hair" and when I had long hair, I would pull it back really tightly in a bun or pony tail, or fuss with it for a long time in front of the mirror - and judge myself extensively and go into sadness and then I just don't want to do anything and don't want to participate with anyone or anything.

Back to the event, so my mom seemed to be a bit taken back by my angered reaction and tried to lighten the mood, she said "I have also tried to cut my own hair when it is getting too long before as well." I could tell she was hurt and felt awkward but I didn't care. I just felt like I couldn't talk to her and I was mad for her always judging me. She left my house shortly after.

Once she had gone I felt very sad and I went into self judgement and felt angry at her and myself for how I allowed myself to react and I got scared because for a moment in my head the words "I hate her" popped up and I have never had a thought like that before... I started to think we were not as close as I once believed us to be. I felt alone. I felt like I would never be good enough to fit her standards and that I would never be or look like the person she wanted me to be. And I judged myself as inadequate because her standards are not high.

I was also frustrated because the house was not clean. Every time I clean my house so that it looks 'perfect' for when she arrives, she cancels and doesn't show up. She always comes over unexpectedly and ironically when the house is messy. So I was in a state of energetic possession before she actually arrived because I was embarrassed about it. So when she called to let me know she was on her way over and would be arriving in 10 minutes, I rushed and scrambled to clean up and remove my shoes out of the living room and cleared the coffee table of the things that were on it, I knew she would feel bad and it would bother her if she saw it messy. If my house is messy she takes it as she was a bad mother and you know that whole "I didn't raise you this way" - kinda thing.

Well, I have been over this point many times in my process the point of living according to my mothers standards of me rather than living according to my own.

When the true test comes for me to walk the correction here within the physical I've just continued to react and I still participate within it. Its become an automated reaction by me.

I realize now where I am within my process and that I have not corrected myself effectively nor have I been specific enough within my application because I was not here present, I was not breathing I was in the mind - worried, frantic, full of self judgement with the desire to please.

I do not accept this from myself any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react toward my mother in an energetic state of possession as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my sister and think that I won't ever be as thin, smart, well rounded or pretty as her and think that my mom also compares me to my sister and always see's her as better then me in every way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through comparison separate myself from my mother and sister

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form opinions about family and cause separation through these opinions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my experience through forming opinions about others

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to immediately take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the experience I have of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to deal with the original source of my anger immediately the moment the point arose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for this point to continue without correcting myself

I correct myself here

I do not accept or allow myself to suppress points that require attention and to be dealt with

I walk here within and as breath as self correction

I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind and thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with regards to not allowing myself to make breathing here my priority within every single moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad, angry and emotional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother because I have defined her as superior to me and that she has power over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ideas and for not standing here stable as self will and self power to do what is best for all in every single moment as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my personality as a daughter

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the power I have given to my mother over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if my mother is not the personality I want her to be I have lost something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in role playing and for allowing myself to also hold my mother within a specific role

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to ideas and personalities

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible for all that exists here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid writing about this again because its always the same thing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wont live up to the my mothers expectations of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea about what my mother expects of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rude to my mother instead of breathing and speaking self honestly about things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still worry frantically about what my mother might think about the condition of my home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not looking the way my mom wants me to look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this about her and not realise I am responsible and me alone for how I experience myself and what I will and will not accept or allow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the experience I have of myself according to my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation and feed off the energy of validation I get from others

I forgive myself for not realizing no one has to validate me I am here - I am valid

I forgive myself for not realizing no one had to accept me I am here - I accept myself unconditionally

I no longer accept or allow myself to continue to abuse myself through holding onto a personality suit

I let go unconditionally

I stand up

I live

Thank you for this video Sunette it is extremely supportive.

I paid for a storage unit

2010-10-29T15:23:00.001-07:00

For about two years I was paying for a storage unit, I stored the things I wanted or may need in the future. A

fter finally sifting through everything I realize I don't need or want most it.

Prior to purchasing the storage unit I had a falling out with my roommate who also happens to be my cousin. When I moved out of the house we shared I was in an extreme emotional state and I gave myself three days to move out. I had this idea that selling everything immediately would be difficult to do alone. So obtaining a storage unit took the least amount of effort on my part, besides I was also dealing with, well not really dealing with, but being run over by all my thoughts my emotions.

Short cuts rarely make sense. Taking a short cut is usually based on thoughts, fuzzy logic, irresponsibly, laziness, fear and self interest.

I can only speak for myself and my experiences and within opening up this point I see that taking what seemed to be a short cut actually fucked me. I was stubborn and refused to be self honest, I did not direct myself to deal with my ego, emotions, memories, beliefs, justifications, ideas, judgments and fears, instead sweeping it all under a rug - the rug was self suppression. I did not allow myself to do what was necessary to be done in the moment in the physical, here within and as breath. Instead I ran and "chose" LOL! the easy way out. I listened to the mind and accepted and allowed thoughts to direct me.

My plan was to to place my stuff in storage for just a month or so and when I moved into a new place I would take it out and use it. Simple, right? This all seemed to make sense at the time, the monthly fee was sixty dollars and my stuff was worth more than that so I figured, why not? Well my plan did not work because I kept putting it off. Sometimes I went to the storage unit to look at what was in it, it had been so long that I started to forget what I had. I thought well, perhaps I will get motivated and move it out, but that didn't happen, instead of doing anything I would just look at my stuff and reminisce and think about the time that I placed my belongings in it and the events that took place around that time and go into sadness and tear up and then just stuff the items back into the boxes shut the storage door, lock it up until a better time to deal with it came along.

It was impractical and a huge waste of money to store this stuff, I mean it would have been a huge weight off of my shoulders to take care of it once and for all but I never did anything, instead I went on thinking about it, continuously justifying my behavior and remained stubborn and allowed myself to go into laziness making excuses of all kinds and resisted this point like the plague it became easy to say to myself "Oh fuck it, I will get it out some other time."

I never did anything but procrastinate, make excuses and deceive myself.

I could have placed the money towards what is best for all, such as research at Desteni or educating myself . $60 a month would have been cool to put towards equality rather than putting it back into the current money system a system that supports abuse & separation. Within allowing myself to be self delusional and only care about what was best for me, I allowed fear, self dishonesty to blind me of simple common sense.

I held on to these physical belongings as an idea and statement of myself as belonging to something or someone or something or someone belonging to me. The point that I stored it is another indication that I was not facing myself and I had this idea that if I ignored it long enough it would somehow go away and I would not have to take responsibility for it, for myself.

I wanted to remain part of a family, I had defined myself as a family member and it was a safe place, part of my identity, my personality, and who would I be without this definition of myself?

I wanted to be loved and to love, I wanted to be looked after, I wanted to belong but why would one want to belong in the first place so as I investigate this I realise it is non sense to want or desire to belong to something or someone. This point implies separation -
I did not realise at the time that real love does not exist as separation as a family an idea - love exists here within and as equality as an expression of myself - what is best for ALL

Family is an idea and I gave value to this idea. Even if one look at the the meaning of the word family the meaning changes from person to person so how can it be real? It is not meaningful or practical. I mean common sense is that if no one has the same definition for a word a definition that lasts and is best for all then giving value to something like an idea about what family is, is simply self delusional if one has a look families or the idea thereof actually cause separation and abuse in this world it is quite a fuck up.

Conclusively this became a burden and a time loop within my process.

By allowing myself to gi
ve value to relationships of any kind I limit myself extensively and am not real - just another robot doing things robots do - An example of this would be keeping up family traditions and just walking another step on a pre-programmed path and through continuing to exist as fear and as a coward, I abuse myself extensively. Till here no further.

It is common sense to do what is best for all and within doing what is best for all, I do what is best of me - everything I do has an effect on this reality as a whole it is a simple mathematical equation 1+1=2 and everything everyone else does has an effect on me so doing what is best for all is simple common sense. I will no longer sit back and do nothing and pretend that everything is alright in this world, it is not and I will not accept or allow it any longer. Something must be done to stop the systems of this world systems that keep all enslaved and that starts here by me taking responsibility for myself changing myself and deleting what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, a limited system design. I will myself and re-create myself as equal to and as life as self honesty, self responsibility within every single breath for all that exists in every moment - I direct myself and express myself not as a personality design but as life. I correct myself. I will myself. I move. I direct

I take responsibility for myself as all that exists and I will myself to walk and breath and remain here within and as common sense within and as the equality equation 1+1=2

It is all as me HERE

So walking this point I realise I did not consider this simple common sense equation 1+1=2 - I was not willing to take the time to go through my stuff and get rid of what I did not truly need- I was in my mind and I allowed myself to give my power away to thoughts, ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, justifications and beliefs.

This entire two years or so I allowed myself to hold onto this point as a life raft, just keeping my head above water, never moving myself in the physical just in my mind floating there waiting for someone to rescue me, I allowed myself to remain self delusional.

After two years of bullshitting myself and self dishonesty I finally fucking did it! I cleared out my storage unit it took about four hours - that was it! I sold the stuff I didn't need and breathed through any reactions I experienced, it was simple. God damn, thinking really fucking sucks! It sucks the life out of me if I allow it and it becomes a point of debilitation because the mind goes - NO don't do that! -You are still to weak! -You can do it later, you've got time. -you NEED this stuff -You will NEVER ever find another one like it.
BULLSHIT!

I feared what memories I would face and because I let fear direct me I did nothing and I was experiencing stress, irritation, agitation and blamed others the entire time for how I was experiencing myself. W
ho is here writing? I am here. Who is walking this point? I am walking this point. Who had to physically move the stuff and sell it? Me. Within avoiding my self responsibility I caused a two year time-loop only remaining as a memory . I did not move myself. I was not HERE present, breathing, because I was in my mind about things from the past. I made myself quite ineffective by participating in thoughts.

I take responsibility for myself and direct myself to do what is best for all.

The idea I had possessions actually possessed me

Till here no further

I allow myself to face myself in ALL ways always unconditionally - I no longer give myself a so called choice in the matter because w

hat matters is MATTER.

I entitled this blog - I 'Paid' for a 'Storage Unit' - Now I realise the fee has been the diminishment of myself by and through existing as shame & regret - a

lthough shame and regret will not fit the bill.

What I am able to do is as self honesty, direct myself, move myself, will myself and correct myself to no longer accept or allow myself to be anything less then who I really am and take responsibility for my accepted and allowed delusions and

suppressions.

Self honesty, self forgiveness, breathing & self correction is the key to how I am able to walk myself through this time-loop HERE within and as breath, within and as self honesty - I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself, I no longer accept or allow myself to fear - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as shame - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as regret - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as self dishonesty

If a point of desire that of wanting to save things comes up or wanting to store things, keep things with a future projection and that I am aware of for all practical purposes is completely unnecessary I will myself to rid myself of those items and simply direct myself and move myself to do what must be done in the moment and write myself to freedom - I no longer accept or allow myself to fear facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value of positive or negative on matter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and remain as a pattern

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store things and not realize that in doing these things within the physical I am also allowing myself to participate in storing things within me that I have not been willing to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for not directing myself and for not moving myself to act and will myself to do something about how I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas, justifications and future projections about how I may experience myself within actually ridding myself of these items

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts, ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, justifications, beliefs, future projections, ego and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to material possessions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the owner of these possessions and because of that point I gave value to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control and to desire controlling others and my environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings for the experience I had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is best for all and only do what was best for me the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take responsibility in the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotional about material items because I allowed myself to attach memories to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to memories

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to a picture in my mind that is stored as a memory

I will no longer accept or allow myself to participate in memories I will delete memories because they are not real and only serve the mind consciousness systme and cause me to only exist as a memory and never be anything but a memory playing over and over again.

Til here no further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to thoughts, ideas, opinions beliefs, justifications, fear and give value to this point as greater then myself greater then my will to act
and greater and more powerful then my will to move myself to do what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self delusion

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to not immediately act and move myself to do what is best for all within and as breath HERE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by these thoughts and for allowing thoughts to direct me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form ideas about what I should would or will do one day in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have future projections and not remain here as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excuses and justifications as to why I was not able to get it done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want help or for someone to take responsibly for my mess

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to belong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about getting it done and for not directing myself to act immediately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to the voice in my head

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reason with the voice in my head and come to conclusions and make decisions based on thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I got rid of my belongings that a part of me would die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that certain material items are a part of my identity and if I were to no longer have them I will no longer have that particular definition and design of myself. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self to definitions of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as definitions of the mind through and as attaching myself to material items

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto memories because I defined myself as them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I must define myself in order to have value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the past and in doing this not directing myself to remain here present considering myself as all that exists beginning middle and end here as one with me as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as memories and pictures that are in my mind as thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to delete thoughts and memories that come up and for not deleting pictures immediately

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here present within and as breath as simplicity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to and as a memory that I have attached to a picture in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and spiteful toward my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a desire to win

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stand equal to and as the people that are in my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as energy as +/- and for attaching value of positive or negative on things I have formed and idea about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and create ideas so that I can be ahead of the game in case someone challenges me and my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately keep things within me as unresolved in an attempt to use this as an excuse to take a back door in my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to tell me they are sorry for how I experience myself and for what I went through so that this will prove to me and them that I was right all along and they were wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self abuse and for causing abuse in this world

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as limitation
I no longer accept or allow myself to be self dishonest

I no longer accept or allow myself to make excuses

I not longer accept or allow myself to abdicate myself responsibility

I no longer accept or allow myself to give value to an idea

after it is all said and done I am still HERE :)

Radical Self Awareness Tools Rip Open the Veil of Deception

2010-06-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

Food

2010-03-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading Anna's blog regarding food and I had a look at myself and my current experience within eating.

I woke up this morning as I do every morning and one of the first things i do is boil water to make coffee for myself. I generally have a little over 1 cup maybe 2 with flavored creamer - within my secret mind i say I need coffee today to assist me in moving and getting myself going- I am generally in a hurry because I do not have a routine of any kind and even when I wake up earlier then i require to I still find that I am rushing and disorganized - I cant find my shoes, or I am not able to get my clothes right I change multiple times trying to find something 'comfortable' to wear I also have been a bit stubborn with regards to getting organized and also I tell myself well what is the point I can not plan for the future i just have to live within the moment- looking at this here I see how this is me manipulating myself because my experience is not that of living and remaining here as breath within the moment but rather - I feel clustered, frumpy, excited, running, rushing, disorganized and anxious - within this I also go well I can do what i want when i want but this is silly as it only fucks me in the end and then I start everything off as if i am incomplete - and throughout the day I judge myself for it and go back into the secret mind thinking thoughts of myself as being stupid, dumb, or unable to ever get myself together, I constantly judge myself for my experience in my clothing and the way I look like shoot maybe these pants are way too short or maybe i look fat to people or shit this shoes need to be polished. So lol back to food and coffee on my way out of the house is when i usually drink the coffee because it has cooled and i can just quickly drink it down to get my coffee 'fix' and i have justified drinking coffee because it assists in defusing family constructs or something like that not really sure exactly anymore but that has been my excuse. It is very rare that i eat in the morning just have coffee and then around 10:30am I have lunch at work and generally the food is alright although sometimes its really bad and old and kinda scary to even consider eating because only god knows where its been or how old it is and if it will make me sick because it has happened in the past. I have been eating less recently half a plate of food and some soup but today i at a bunch my stomach had been growling for hours and i had an idea that I will eat a lot because i was 'starving' I also see i have a pattern of not listening to my body and when i need to pee for instance I hold it for a really long time until i actually experience physical pain and then when i do go my stomach hurts afterwards. So this is an interesting pattern playing out within me. Today i had a bit of pizza i took off the pepperoni because for about 8 years give or take a few months i have not allowed myself to eat pork because i was into Judaism and it is not Kosher. So I have still allowed this point the mind to dictate my eating, i do enjoy the taste of pork but i have justified not eating anymore because i figure one less animal died or suffered but this is self dishonest because i still allow myself to consume other types of meat such as chicken, beef, turkey and fishes. No shell fish still because again it is not Kosher and i have been doing this for years so within the secret mind i go why start now... I sorta place and idea about it as disgusting and that shell fish are the bottom dwellers of the ocean and similar to eating a cockroach and so on. I will apply the application of asking my body what it wants to eat and allow myself to trust myself as my body rather then eating from the starting point of thoughts feelings and emotions. Ok also i had mixed veggies - snow peas, baby carrots, squash and also fish and some tartar sauce and rice - i at it all in about a matter of 10 minutes because we have to wear radios at work and i got a call to come back to my office as someone required assistance. So i got a bit mad because i still wanted to eat more but i didnt i just came back to work and here i am its 410pm atm and my stomach was growling as i write this - I took a bit of a break went over to the shop next door and did mc and asked my body what to eat i got a clear unlock on berry almond trail mix i did y/n and i got a clear yes. Generally i would wait for another 3 hrs or so before i eat again and by then i would be extremely hungry with my stomach growling the entire time and when i finally do eat I eat very quickly and dont really even taste the food i just want to stop my stomach from growling so I eat fast and i never ask my body either what i should have according to nurture my body. Ok so i decided just now to ask my body if i require anymore trail mix and i got a clear no in y/n my mind is saying eat more your hungry it tastes really good and your still hungry but my physical experience is opposite the thoughts my stomach stopped growling and i dont feel like im 'starving' Tonight I have not decided what to have for dinner and i usually think about it all day long but only come to a conclusion minutes before i eat because by that time my stomach is growling and i just want food in my belly to stop the hungry feeling. I will continue to write about my experiences and share what i investigate daily.

I do not do very much physical activity as my job is a sit down job and I am here a lot and also i have allowed myself to create an idea that if i excersize i will feed the mcs. But I do like to hike and walk and ride my bike every once and a while as i realise the benefit of moving myself physically and supporting my body so its again all about the starting point - now when i hike or walk I do not exert myself and if i feel like i am not able to breath properly i slow myself down and i take a moment to focus on my breath and i go again - now the sun goes down later so I will start to walk alone after work so that i will support my body in moving and also in assisting myself within self movement.

I just realised I did not post anything regarding drinks other then coffee. I had about less then half a cup of water today - Something i have been doing lately is asking my body if i require water and then i ask if i require 1 cup - 2 cups - 3 cups and so on. I will continue this and also as i said above continue to share my experiences