Practice

All of the people I live with now, have a college education or are currently attending college and this was something I was glad to be a part of but what I was not expecting was how my pre-programming of inferiority would come out and in the most peculiar ways.

Working in a group setting is cool because it has given me the opportunity to face myself, for instance I would have trouble speaking up or speaking naturally because I had extensive back chat about sounding stupid or not having a large enough vocabulary or not being able to communicate with the same level of effectiveness as them. I had defined myself as inferior so I would actually end up manifesting this for myself. For instance in the middle of a sentence I would experience movement within me and thoughts of self judgement and then I would totally forget what I was saying and then I was never able to get the point across or the support I wanted to share. I was not here present listening actively but rather in my mind trying to think of something smart to say because in my mind what I would say naturally just wasn't "good enough."

I opened up this point with my roommates and I had an emotional reaction and started to cry a bit. I realized that this was the point to face and the point that I had been allowing and accepting myself to be possessed by. I keep thinking that no one was listening to me and that others were just ignoring what I was saying because they think they are smarter then me and that what I say is stupid but that is not the case at all. One of my roommates said "Deedra what you say does not sound unintelligent" But there were times where she did notice that I would go into self victimization and she could see it because she had also faced similar points and sometimes still does but is in the process of stopping the reactions and back-chat as well.

Now that I have shared my experience and exposed my back-chat I have no longer get tongue tied. I also wrote self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing this point of inferiority to separate me from the group.

Of course this whole time it was all me, its always self isn't it. Being in this new environment has been extensively supportive and I am grateful for all of the support thus far and grateful to be able to support others in self trust.

We have agreed as a group to not allow back-chat of any kind if we are to be effective in what we have set out to accomplish so we all know that support is support and this is where we can sort out our egos so that we can be self-directive in self-honesty in every moment.

I am in the process of trusting myself within self-honesty and trusting my common sense through self-corrective application moment by moment. If I make a mistake, It is like a missed a take and I take 2 or 3 or 4 until I live self trust so when the same point presents itself I live the correction forevermore.

Morality - It's a shame

A disc jockey on a radio show opened up the topic of teenagers having sex in their parents home.

He began by airing an audio clip and the women speaking said that she was okay with her daughter having sex in her home, because she knew she was safe, always had condoms available, and also she knew who her daughter was having sex with.

The radio station had a huge response with many people calling in stating that allowing a teenager to have sex in their home was flat out wrong.

Some people stated that if they knew that their teenage child had sex in the home, or even if they asked about it, they would be beaten. Also one man called in and said if my wife allowed that and I caught my daughter having sex with a boy in my home I would beat my wife and my child! The response from those in the studio was laughter and agreement.

This created a type of 'group thought' on the radio program and numerous calls came in one after another with the same type of answer, someone else called in and said, If that was my daughter I would not only beat my daughter but also the boy she was with!

Another listener called in to tell a personal story about getting caught kissing a girl in his parents home when he was a teenager - he said that his mother opened the door to the closet and slapped the girl he was kissing in the face and he was glad that his mother did that because later that summer that same girl got pregnant by another guy.

The reaction from parents to immediately hurt someone is just an indication of just how harmful morality right/wrong can be. Fascinating how morality blinds beings of common sense.

The lack of open self-honest communication between parent and child is staggering and we can see the consequence of this all around us, it is no wonder that teen pregnancy rates are sky high and it is also no wonder that sexually transmitted diseases in teens and young adults are rampant. This also teaches children to lie and manipulate because every time the child tells the truth to their parents they are punished!

Many parents think that making sex taboo or wrong is their duty but miss the entire point of supporting their child to be a self-honest effective human being in this world. This can be done by being self-honest and standing equal to their children and realize that not only is the house their's but also the home of their children. It is fine time that parents consider their children as equals and share common sense with their children and share what the manifested consequences are for not taking responsibility for oneself. This is only done through being a living example, living the words we speak otherwise children just see their parents as hypocrites and rebel against them. This ends up being a battle of right and wrong, superiority and inferiority. Within common sense there is no right or wrong simply what is best for all, this does not require us to be moral about anything it just requires us to have a look at all the possible outflows of our decisions 1+1=2 and act in the best interest of all.

It is time for us to start educating ourselves and becoming self-honest so that we can support ourselves and our children to do what is best for all.

To discuss this topic further please visit.

www.desteni.co.za

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.equalmoney.org

Addiction and Me

There is no right or wrong only consequence - no matter what it is we participate in there will indeed be a consequence so I check my starting point and consider the consequence if my starting point is in self-honesty cool, if my starting point is self-dishonesty I stop, breathe and clear my starting point to prevent a consequence that is not best for all. So this is what I did regarding coffee.

I committed myself to stop drinking coffee for 21 days.

This is a list of reasons why:

-I felt I needed it

-I wanted it

-I desired it

-I thought I could not live without it

-I thought about it often

-I formed habits around it

-I feared letting it go

-I reacted to the idea of stopping and back-chatted about why it was unnecessary to stop

-I allowed it to control and direct me

I will not accept or allow limitation within and as me

When I joined the Desteni Forums over three years ago, I was addicted to many things and at the time I did not realize I was ‘actually’ addicted. I had not yet considered stopping myself from participating in these points and I watched a video by Osho about asking ourselves in every moment am I self-honest or am I self-dishonest? Regarding addictions I was self-dishonest so I took on the point and decided to stop but what took me by surprise is that stopping wasn't as simple as I thought and proved to be difficult because I had in fact formed an addiction/relationship with points such weed, smoking, shopping, drinking, sex ect…

What I’ve realized now after I have stopped these addictions is that I spited myself through existing within the acceptance of an idea that I had free will and free choice. I did as I pleased and no one or nothing could stop me from doing what it was that I wanted to do. Being what I perceived as “rebellious” and “free” only caused me to harm myself - I was on a fast track to a dead end road.

I abused myself and my body extensively and through this I diminished. My ego was so tremendous I did not care about anything or anyone as long as I had my way and my freedom of choice. I did not look at what I was doing to others or how my irresponsibility could cause harm to myself and others.

My participation in the Desteni “I” Process has supported me extensively and for this I am grateful. I do not know where I would be today without the support of my fellow Destonians. I have the tools to support myself to clearly see my own delusions and not only see what I’m doing but stop what I’m doing so that I can live an effective life and stand one and equal to all that I have allowed and accepted in self dishonesty and from here stand up to practically change me to accumulate what is best for all in self honesty through self-forgiveness, writing, breathing and correcting myself in and as the physical. Stopping addictions has been supportive for me in realizing I am here and here as breath I am effective - I cannot do anything sooner than a single breath at a time.

Check out these videos by Desteni Productions on You-Tube:

121 Self Freedom in 21 Days

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axT9TVFStyE&feature=channel_video_title

21 Days to Self Freedom Expounded – 4 count breathe explained http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSTkTU3JClM&feature=channel_video_title

Within stopping addictions I utilize the the four count breath especially in the moments when I would want to give up and give in – also this giving up and giving is was a clear indication of my participation in thoughts, therefore I bring myself here as breath, focus on myself as breath and stop thoughts. I have been able to support myself simply by breathing in the moment and this has been effective because I have proven it to myself that I can stop if I will myself to do so.

Writing myself to freedom has also been supportive in stopping addictions and has changed my life. Because it allows me to see what I am doing right in front of me on paper bringing all points here for me to face and deal with through self-forgiveness, in self-honesty and I set the stage for myself to correct myself to no longer accept or allow addiction, relationship ties, separation, limitation, self abuse and much more. Also 21 days can work as self support to support oneself to start something that is best for all, for instance a self commitment to vlog/blog for 21 days or breathing in awareness for 21 days ect... but for now I am only sharing my experiences regarding stopping addictions.

Applying myself for 21 days has been supportive for me and after applying myself for 21 days, I no longer desire what was once an addiction. Using addiction to divert my attention away from myself is self-dishonest, self-abusive and simply unacceptable. I used to use addiction as a crutch, an excuse and rather than being self-responsible I would utilize the point to avoid myself and excuse myself from my self-responsibility.

There were moments when I struggled because I participated in it for a longer period of time or I had given value to a point and gave my power away to it and formed a pattern around it. If I fell I simply restart my 21 days in a single breath without self judgment. If I fell on a point like I did with marijuana for instance it would become more difficult to stop the next time around, so it was a lesson I learned, one I realised the hard way in some cases but all in all a lesson I now apply as myself and I change me. I simply got to a point where I no longer accepted or allowed any bullshit from myself because I did not want to let myself down,I do this for myself as all as one as equal as life and I did not want to give up on a commitment I made to myself. And in this I build upon self-trust in every moment.

So to give some perspective on my experience in stopping, what I began to notice is a pattern of thoughts and no matter what the addiction, the thoughts that come up were similar. Firstly I make a commitment and decision to stop an addiction and almost immediately the back chat comes (mind chatter) I argue with myself in my mind, then I think about it, a point like marijuana for example and how great it is, then I try to reason with myself, or justify why I should have something that I need and desire and so on but I just keep breathing through it and just out load speak ‘No, this is not who I am, I will not accept or allow myself to participate in thoughts and then I apply self forgiveness e.g.

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create back-chat to give up on what I have committed to

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in back-chat

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form an addiction through a relationship with something or someone

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from something or someone and form ideas around points such as need, want, desire, lust, pleasure ect…

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tacitly imply that I lack something through participating in addiction and the ideas of need, want, desire, lust, pleasure ect…

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addictions to get energy rather than remaining here as breath

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts, feelings and emotions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addiction in an attempt to divert my attention away from myself and my self-responsibility

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use addiction to abdicate my self-responsibility

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I lack

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I want

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I need

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I desire

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I lust

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I require pleasure form something or someone separate from me

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thoughts, feelings and emotions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not considered the consequence of my ACTions and or inactions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ego and to think, believe and perceive that ego is who I really am

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and others through participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions and addictions

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the dimishment of myself through participating in addictions and addictive behavior

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for why I have allowed and accepted addictive behavior

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do what I want when I want no matter what the consequence

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as ego

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use drugs ect, to forget what I have done as an excuse to not hold myself accountable for what I have accepted and allowed through self dishonest in self abuse

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body

-I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider my body as one and equal with and as me

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to harm my body

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the mind consciousness system

-I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard my physical human body through participating in back-chat/thoughts/feelings emotions/memories

Addiction is self created and a pattern / entity formed through participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions over an extended period of time. The voices in the head are not actually me and can be stopped by breathing and being self-honest, standing, taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed and stop.

Back-chat does not have power over me unless I give my power away to it and if I set out to do something but do not stick to my resolve I will lose trust in myself and it is simply unacceptable and I will no longer allow or accept these points to accumulate to cause me to give up. I direct myself in the moment breath and stop.

The test comes back several times because it is a pattern I actively participated in for many years so in some cases it takes some time and patience to stop the habits I accepted and allowed myself to form, I have proven to myself that it is indeed possible to direct myself to no longer exist as patterns and just stop because I must. So if the mind chatter tried to rear it’s ugly head, I laugh a bit because it’s so predictable and can be stopped in a single breath and so I walk my 21 days breath by breath and simply remain here til I no longer have a single thought about the point and then it's done, I am no longer enslaved because I set myself free.

Every addiction that I have eliminated has caused me to solidify my stand in self-honesty and self trust. Self-trust was something I never had before and so it has been a gift I grant to myself by applying myself in every moment.

I no longer need things like drugs to hide from myself now I enjoy being vulnerable and intimate with me

It's been over a month now since I stopped drinking coffee, my next point to take on is sugar.

Give yourself the ultimate gift the gift of self-forgiveness, for support and to support yourself visit these websites below.

Check it out!

http://desteniiprocess.com/

http://desteni.co.za/

http://equalmoney.org/

Enjoy!

Blog Address Change

Readers,

I have created a new blog using my own name. Please follow me on my other blog as well at http://deedrachavez.blogspot.com/

Thank you!

Equal Health Care for ALL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghYaFEVGqu8&feature=player_embedded

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with the health care system

I forgive myself or accepting and allowing myself to blame 'modern medicine' for pharmaceutical drugs that support the money system but not the our human physical body

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that is difficult to be a women because of menstruation, menopause, birth control, child birth and sexual harassment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with how birth control works

I was at the Dr's office yesterday to see my gynecologist for an annual pap-smear. Prior to the actual check up she asked me a ton of 'personal questions' I told her everything, no-holds-barred, but when I shared this stuff with her I found myself trying to be 'professional' about my sex life lol! That did not go over well but she smiled big and quickly shook her head up and down like a bobble head.

I didn't plan on it, but I was very nervous the doctor was nice and all, but she also seemed a bit nervous too, I could be projecting here but she was talking quickly maybe she just felt my nervousness and it rubbed off on her, who knows?

I mean it's not a fun experience, first a strange person you hardly know gives you the 3rd degree about your sex life, tells you to strip down to your birthday suit, and to place your legs up on stirrups, feels your breasts for lumps, puts foreign objects and feels around in there for your uterus it's a bit painful and awkward. One thing she told me was that my cervix was in a weird place, so she moved it. I was thinking 'Oh fuck, what the hell, why is my cervix in a weird place, that little rascal, and she can even move it? Who knew? I asked her, 'is that strange?' 'Is there something wrong?' She said 'no most women have their cervix in different places, some are closer to the front of the body, some are closer to the back, some are even sideways, I was like sheesh goes to show how much I know about my own body. I was relieved nothing was wrong but when she moved it, it kind of hurt. I was going to ask her where mine was but I figured some things are better left unsaid.

She was talking to me about things that were 'off topic' the whole time. Maybe she was trying to get me to relax. I was like fuck I can't talk about my travel experiences at a time like this! I was thinking jeeze, this sucks, I just want this over with. I couldn't form a decent sentence, I can always tell when I'm nervous because I have trouble speaking effectively.

It is similar to being in a dentist chair with a mouth full of objects, drill, spit sucker, ect. and then the dentist asks a question that requires a long drawn out answer. It's like are you seriously asking me this question right now?

After it was all said and done we talked about birth control. She asked me how the Nuva Ring worked for me? I told her, it was not good at all and that I do not want to take birth control because last time I took it, I felt like I was slightly insane, I cried at the drop of a hat, I was restless, I could only sleep 3 hours max, I experienced racing thoughts, I become extremely angry, depressed, sad, I felt like hurting someone or myself, I blew up like a balloon, gained almost 30lbs and my body felt poisoned. The risks are extensive, I do not know what is in those pills/rings ect... and my body totally disagrees and rejects it.

She said 'some body's just does not work well with the pill.' We discussed the IUD called Mirena, it lasts for 5 years releases small amounts of hormone, can cause lighter periods and less cramping or I can use the old fashioned IUD lasts 10 years, has no medicine, which I prefer but then my periods will be heavier and worse cramps. Since I have not had a child, inserting the IUD is going to hurt quite a bit and when it comes to pain, my tolerance is pretty low.

Doesn't look like I have many real choices. I do not want to have children so I have to take responsibly for this point and direct it. I want to enjoy myself and explore self intimacy through sexual expression, but at what cost. For now I will stick with condoms. I am not opposed to having my tubes tied either but my Dr. strongly strongly urged I wait, but then again she was the same person who urged that I try the Nuva Ring and that it worked GREAT for her and also she said that she tried Mirena before she was pregnant and it worked great. I don't trust it

A friend gave me the name of a birth control that has worked well for her. I asked my doctor if I could try it and she said I can but with most birth controls it's about trial and error, and everyone's body is different. I get migraine headaches with aura, so that limits my options even more. In order to find the right pill my body has to go through hell and back. Why does it have to be so complicated. I still got a prescription for the one my friend suggested, just in case but I doubt I will use it. She said if you do decide to use your prescription, make sure to regularly check your blood pressure and call me if your blood pressure goes up or if you have any of these list of symptoms, so we can stop it immediately - that didn't sound encouraging. She said the downfall of this particular brand is I can have spotting in between periods. It just all sounds like a major hassle. And for my blood type birth control pills are in the (AVOID) section. So that was my experience.

I am grateful that I have access to healthcare and that I can see a doctor for regular check ups or if I become ill. Most of the time though doctors can only provide support that is topical and does not truly support the human physical body to heal a person. I am one of the few people in this world that is lucky enough to have a job that offers healthcare and the price I pay is still very high. Is healthcare truly effective the way it currently exists? I am not satisfied with the level of support we have tacitly agreed to with regards to healthcare and medicine. All including animals should have access to healthcare real healthCARE.

In an equal money system, profit won't be the driving force of healthcare and medicine and because of this things will be much different - we can find solutions that support our physical bodies within equality, simplicity and common sense. Let us stop supporting the fattening up of a few CEO's wallets, while the majority of people are either without healthcare, hooked on pharmacological drugs; that are priced outrageously, taking pills that do not heal but keep us stuck in cycles of illness ect., this is clearly not support. There are many points to consider with regards to healthcare but one thing I have realized is that what is happening now is NOT supportive to our body's - healthcare should be about real CARE doing what is best for ALL real care that supports the physical body and not a drug cartel dressed in white.

Let's Find a solution together and stop this non-sense we currently call 'healthcare'

WATCH THIS TOO!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1Cs8rmjUmg&feature=related

The Book - Equal Money System will Release September 2011 Subscribe to the book newsletter to receive a notification when it's available.

http://equalmoney.org/the-book a discussion with Bernard Poolman in the quest for universal equality for all life to have a world where all participants act in ways that is best for all life. The Equal Money system will be a first step in the political agenda of the Equal Life Party worldwide once we start participating in democratic elections. Join the Desteni Forum for discussions. Subscribe to be notified of publishment of the first Equal Money Book

Letting go of Ego and Forgiving Myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVqBeXsGIcQ

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to write out thorough self forgiveness regarding food, chocolate, addictions and nail biting

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel empowered when I eat chocolate or ice cream because then I can get back at the "bad" ideas I have about it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and fight the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am greater than the mind rather then realizing that I have created myself in this way and I am responsible for my creation

I equalize myself to the mind and re-program myself to and as equality and oneness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea and judgement that chocolate and ice cream are good because they stimulate my taste buds

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the idea and judgement that chocolate and ice cream are bad because it will make me fat and cause me to judge myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate the mind with sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge foods as either good or bad

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by thoughts and for not being self directive

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply myself as the principle of equality - what is best for all as a self willed equal here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want, desire and believe I need stimulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I require stimulation because of my perceived energy drop

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I exist as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am can be depleted

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form this belief through participating in polarity manifestations thus constantly experience myself as up and down +/-

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to direct myself effectively

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realise who I really am does not require stimulation thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stimulate the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to stimulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create loop holes and time loops purposely so that I won't have to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear changing and to fear letting go of personality designs, ideas, beliefs, perceptions and opinions I have formed about myself and have based my decisions on these judgments

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to push myself in every moment to do what must be done to be an effective individual

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by resisting change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can control change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have judged others and say that - the more things change the more things stay the same

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider that I also exist as this construct through resisting self expansion

I will myself and direct myself here in self honesty to create myself in a way in which I would like to experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what others think about me and fear peoples reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear conflict

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt and yelled at

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess about weight, food and body image

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self hatred

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self deceit

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to find things to attach to and form a belief that I'm now addicted to these points in an attempt to escape from myself and my self responsibly

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as rebellious

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not practically move myself in the physical and do all I can physically, practically in and as the system to change the system so that all can live for real here as equals - living as principle

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to rebellion

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to see that by participating in the idea of rebellion I abdicate my self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and the system and food instead of taking responsibility for what currently exists

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to imply through participating in rebellion and rebellious behavior that I am greater then the problems of this world when in fact I have participated and am equally responsible for what is here as this reality as this world as enslavement, as abuse, as separation, as fear, as ego, as self dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define rebellion and rebellious people as cool and attach a positive value to the word cool

I no longer accept or allow myself to abdicate my self responsibility

I no longer accept or allowing myself to participate in rebellion

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say I love chocolate - even though the idea of love does not serve me - what is this thing love... this thing I have created as an idea is not real because real love is equality doing what is best for all loving thy neighbor as thyself giving to an other what I would like to receive this is love in practicality it is not the polarity of hate and so when I eat, I hate myself for it and so I am endlessly stuck within the polarity manifestation of love and hate / shame and regret / happiness and winning

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I hate myself when I eat certain foods

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to believe I win when I eat certain foods

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses why I can not stop sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form habits and patterns about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about becoming fat the whole time I eat sugary or savory foods

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of ideas I have about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store memories about food and use food as a way to either reward or punish myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to spite myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing limitation by creating, and giving into thoughts and temptation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tempt myself with points

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself through temptation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat in secret so that no one will judge me and so no one will catch on to me overindulging so that I can remain dishonest and have 'my way'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a bubble called 'my way' where no one can enter and no one can burst it because its my apparent free choice and free will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a choice

What is best for all 'equality' does not require choice - it is simple common sense 1 + 1 = 2

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed of myself for over indulging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have over indulged in food, sex, shopping, laziness, men, drugs etcetera and for not considering my fellow man

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never eating chocolate or ice cream again

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear giving up sugar because that means I will also have to give up chocolate and ice cream

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project onto others that they are judging me when I am the only person that is doing the judging

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to obsess and become possessed about chocolate through continuous creation and participation in back-chat

Obsess / Obese - It is fascinating how I allowed myself to obsess about food then obsessively fear becoming obese - Coincidence? I doubt it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create back-chat about chocolate and ice cream

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control when it comes to making decisions about food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge every decision I make about food

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to hear my body and what my body wants rather then depending on my mind to make a decision

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in control when I make a decision regarding what to eat based on how it will stimulate me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make a decision on food based on thoughts rather than listening to my body

I no longer accept or allow myself to eat food with the starting point of supporting the mind

I breathe - delete the thought / memory and eat food that my body is in agreement and alignment with as self support equal and one

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become ego and stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider the mind and not support the physical reality what is here in fact

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use chocolate and ice cream to stimulate me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in chocolate because I feel I deserve it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reward myself with food

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself by abusing food as a distraction away from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind rather then here as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form a belief that I was addicted to chocolate

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use chocolate to distract me from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse food and chocolate because I have formed an idea around it that 'I can do what I want' thus implying free choice and free will

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in choice as this implies separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through existing in the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to bite my nails and hurt my finger tips

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a cycle of self judgement to ensue - self judgement - bite nails - self judgement - shame - self judgement

I no longer accept or allow myself to abuse myself

I no longer accept or allow myself to use nail biting as a comfort/abuse response to self judgement

till here no further

I no longer accept or allow myself to judge myself if a thought of self judgement presents itself I will simple delete the thought and breath in self forgiveness and breath out self honesty

When eating if I have any reaction I will immediately delete the thought and speak self forgiveness for any polarity, ideas, judgments, opinions I have attached to the food and clear my starting point so that I will simply - eat food - with no thoughts, feelings or emotions - just simply eating as an expression of myself supporting my body as me equal and one

I breath

I am here

I support myself

I direct myself

I move myself

I will myself

I do what is best for all this is my will this is my stand.

I could not have done this without support and assistance - I am grateful - to get support and to support yourself see the link below.

http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

http://equalmoney.org/

http://desteni.co.za/

http://demonology.co.za/

Self Responsibility and Self Will

Last night I was awoken by the sound of my cat vigorously scratching at my bedroom door, she hasn't done this for awhile. For the past year I can't sleep well and since I am not able sleep I get out of bed go into the living room and spend time petting my cats, they must be getting used to it.

Just when she stopped her 'bad habit' of scratching at the door, I went and created a pattern for her and so now she expects 'petting attention' at night. When I heard her scratching, I hopped out of bed annoyed. I had just started to fall to sleep, I knew it would be hell to pay trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again. On my way over to the door to put up the 'cat gate' I stubbed my right pinky toe really hard on a book that was on the floor and it hurt like hell. The pain got me out of my mind for a moment and into and as the physical - once it stopped throbbing, I fussed in my back-chat a bit about her scratching causing me to wake up and also about how much my toe hurt and I moved the book out of the way in an angry fashion - - Back-Chat "Dang it! This is the second time I injured myself on that stupid book."

The thing is I did nothing to support myself to stop the extensive fear and anxiety that always keeps me up at night, this has led me to be unable to sleep and also as a side note - I have had a sore jaw and teeth the past two days because I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep which directly relates to anxiety. I have not effectively dealt with my 'pressing issues' instead of moving myself and directing myself to do what I must do to no longer exist as this diminished mess, I went and defined myself as an insomniac - period. And because I did not take responsibility for the anxiety and fear, I wake up at night and I have changed my cats behavior and she now has newly found expectation of me. It is not her fault after all I trained her that I would pet her all hours of the night. I like petting my cats but I also enjoy rest.

I have hurt my ankle on that same book before and I knew that it was placed in a spot that could eventually cause me to stub my toe, trip or ever sprain my ankle on it again. I never moved the book, I left it there because it isn't my book, I thought about moving that book many times, but I used the excuse that it was not my responsibility - which I see now is the ego and stubbornness - also I see that it was me not taking full responsibility for all that exists and still have separation when it comes to responsibility.

In an instant of pain and back-chat a point presented itself. I took in a deep breath and stopped my participation in the back-chat. I realized when I laid back down that it was uncalled for and self dishonest for me to get so upset and for taking out my anger on an innocent book

The point that is here is my abdication of self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my cat for waking me up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to back-chat annoyance toward my cat because of how I experienced myself because I was not standing up within myself to correct my sleep through taking responsibility for the fear and anxiety I have accepted myself to exist as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become anger and taking it out on a book rather then dealing with the anger through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self responsibility through correcting myself in every moment to no longer exist as anger, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to fear, anxiety and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have anxiety about change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and abuse myself through self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for not taking responsibly for myself through creating time loops by accepting back-chat of self judgement thus causing myself to lose my belief in myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call a book stupid when really I was projecting how I experienced myself for not taking responsibility and moving the book to a more appropriate place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and go into self judgement instead of correcting my behavior through taking responsibility for all that is here as self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some things are not my responsibility but the responsibly of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my body through accepting and allowing myself to suppress points I am not willing to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately cause time loops and procrastinate so that I will not have to take self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am this fear and anxiety and that is all I will ever be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being courageous and living one and equal to courage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about who I will be without a definition of myself as fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear and anxiety to manipulate myself and others so I will not have to be self responsible and face points I have defined as difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about ways to be self responsible rather then just doing it physically here in the moment without a thought feeling or emotion simply me moving myself supporting and directing myself as self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an insomniac

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less then a thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to insecurity

I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to diminish myself to inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and project my fears onto others

Ok so what I will do to correct myself in real time if this type of event takes place again --

I will do what needs to be done in the moment instead of redirecting responsibility to another in my mind I will take responsibility for what needs to be done.

I will not think about who's responsibility it is, I will direct myself in the moment to change and do what must be done to be most effective and practical

I will not accept or allow myself to create back chat I will breath stop participation and simply work with what is here

I will not accept or allow myself to suppress myself I will direct myself to write and physically change and walk through resistances in real time

I will stabilize myself through physically working and not accepting myself to excuse myself from my self responsibility

I allow myself to accept that I will make mistakes sometimes and I will not accept or allow myself to be hard on myself and judge myself rather I can just laugh at myself and keep walking

I accept myself unconditionally, I direct myself, I take responsibility for myself and do what is best for all, I love myself unconditionally, I care for myself unconditionally, I move, I express, I breathe

The accumulation effect to get the total sum of and as Equality

Ok - My stomach is growling and I just ate lunch a few hours ago - people starve for days on end it is in fact horrific what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.

So I have been walking a point for sometime and I have been walking it for such a long time because I was conflicted about making a solid decision and being very concerned if it was the accumulation effect as what is best for all in actuality or was I just walking my pre-programming because it's the same type of pattern that I have lived over and over again in the past.

I realise I am being quite vague lol! I have to be at the moment, I will surely break down all of the walls more then likely sooner than later to give you a better grasp of what it is that I am facing -- Ultimately - myself.

I have asked myself somewhat relentlessly this same question over and over and this is my self-honesty -- Who am I and why am I unable to make a direct decision and stick to it? Why am I conflicted is this a back-chat fire missile attack? Am I really just a total fuck up? These questions keep me up at night, I haven't had a decent nights rest in over a year now. It is always the same things brewing back and forth shame, regret, sorry, depression, sadness - emotional irrelevant bullshit basically.

I placed myself in a difficult dilemma. What I truly believe in and want is 'World Equality' what is best for all. In order for me to do everything I must do to do this effectively and in a timely manner is be selfish 'now' to eventually accumulate what is best for all - on the other hand I could remain in the same position doing what is best for some, which I will never be satisfied with, I could not live with myself and I won't be expressing myself how I would like to express myself. Although it would make others quite happy and content, that is my basic programming pushing myself aside to make sure others are happy, some that read this may not agree but that is how I experience it.

I can see the basic moral point that has presented itself here where the system say's 'Deedra you know what you are doing is totally wrong and fucked up, there is a consequence for this type of behavior'. I mean hey, it may cause problems for me down the road but I can't self-honestly base a decision on a future projection.

I must apply myself and utilize breath and let self honesty be my guide and apply common sense and stop back-chat and take full responsibly for what is here.

I see how back-chat is like a military weapon -- it's fucking crazy and who created it none other than yours truly.

I have tools that work to prevent such attacks from causing any major disaster - self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-directive statements and self-corrective application.

I have a few some more things to write out in a mind construct on a particular individual in my world and place it on paper. This has all been in my mind for such a long time it's me tormenting myself and I no longer accept or allow myself to make this harder than it has to be.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for self first to accumulate what is best for all as self equal and one.

The Interviewer Personality

I've have been spending quite a bit of time exposing my secret mind and now my back-chat with a really cool individual. (X) brought to my attention an observation (X) noticed about me, (X) said "You like to interview people" "I noticed it at the table when you were talking to (Y) and then to (Z) -- He said "I was like, lol! She's interviewing them with questions she has, but making it look so innocent, questions she has asked herself but asking others to get a different point of view, or something she's working with. He said "I only see it because you have shared so much". I thought to myself - Moi?

The implications of sharing myself unconditionally is self responsibly and accountability to myself as my words, actions and deeds - The point when sharing unconditionally with another as myself is that others see things that sometimes are not as apparent for me to recognize because I am it.

I can not trick people and remain self dishonest because I trapped myself and this is cool because it's my test to myself - Who am I in every moment? self-dishonest or self-honest?

It was supportive for me to hear. Now that we are sharing back-chat it is very interesting and revealing and many times my back chat is the opposite of what (X) is experiencing. It has be fun and fascinating to face myself in this way and any judgement that may come up we are able to forgive ourselves immediately, unconditionally and not accept bullshit from each other because to accept it in another is to accept and allow it in self, this is not acceptable nor is it supportive so we've agreed not to judge each other, react or take anything we say to each other personally. It is getting quite interesting, fascinating and fun.

I like to interview people because it is fun and interesting and I am getting a feel for the other person. I suppose I interview people because it takes the spot light off of me and it is my way of gauging when people are lying so it's quite manipulative and deceptive for me to go about getting straight answers in this way, rather then just asking direct basing my questioning on the starting point of and as self. When I am around people walking process it's great because we can openly share and walk points equal and one and get to the core and be self-honest and straight up. We laugh it off and laugh out our suppressions because many times the back-chats are actually believe it or not funny and sharing them has been a way to develop self intimacy.

Mother Envy

Today when looking at photos of a friend and her family I became sad and a bit jealous because I know I won't be having children of my own in this 'life' and I won't experience what it is to be a mother - So I am here to further investigate this point and consider why I have experienced this reaction within me. It is as if I have been programmed to want a child or children irregardless of all common sense. I have even asked some men if they get a male version of 'the clock ticking'? One gentleman said it was more about passing on the family name but even still that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I mean you can have a child with your same last name and same blood line but who cares if they have to grow up in an environment where life is not valued

as all as one as equal.

Emotions of any kind are not real such as sadness for example I mean it is simply a system designed to further enslave. Bringing a child into the world as it is today is self dishonest because the starting point is selfishness. If I were to manipulate myself through using sadness or envy as an excuse to become a 'mother' it would only benefit the ego of the mind. This is obviously not what is best for all, not what is best for any child, bringing a child into a world where they would not be considered equal is abusive so sadness is invalidated by the simple common sense equation 1+1=2

A lady I spoke with the other day said to me that it is crazy not to want a child because it is the greatest love one can 'feel' in this world and is an unexplainable joyful experience. She said after all my child could become the next president of the United States and change the world. I asked her why would anyone want to leave that kind of responsibly up to someone else? We are here right now in this world and capable of changing ourselves and the world. Clinging to hope, hope that a child may possibly one day change things for the rest of us is totally and completely insane. Unfortunately self responsibility is rarely if ever considered.

I overheard a man in the army speaking with his buddy and he said to him "I'm thinking of getting married and having a child so that I can get more money back on my taxes" His friend said "NO! don't get married because if you get a divorce you'll have to fight for what is yours" lol! I butted in and said to him, "Man, did you hear what you just said? Do you realize the responsibility of bringing a child into the world? Do you even know what that child may have to go through? Would you actually go that far for a tax break, I mean really?" I suggested to him rather spend that time and effort on changing the money system so that all life is supported unconditionally, so that people can not use and manipulate with other peoples - LIVES - to survive. He said well when you put it that way I guess your right. I do not want to be right at all, I just wanted him to see and hear what it is that he would be manifesting for someone 'else' 'someone' that could not speak for themselves. The money system as it is, is manifesting insanity or is the money system as it is today a manifestation of insanity? Either way it has got to stop.

Throughout my life I didn't see the sense in having children. Maybe my clock just ticked later then most women but if I just look around I would NOT want to come here to a place where I would not be taken care of unconditionally, a place where my forefathers did not give a flying fuck about life, I sometimes wondered why my mom did not consider this basic point, I guess because she was programmed but maybe it is also about survival, just programming it is the way most women have been hard wired. It was and still is to many considered part of life "Part of life what an interesting thing to say?"

I am doing something to change myself and to change the world. So I'm glad I was born haha!

It is simply not my role in this life to be a mother - It is however my role to do what is best for all and to do everything I am able to, to bring about an equal money system and a world of equality so that any child born can live a life of dignity and respect, equally as all, so that no children are voiceless and no child is without a mother because all consider all equally and support their neighbor and do unto others as they would like to have done unto them. I will not be a mother no I won't and it is ok because I have other things I require to do and I will not stop - I stand for all as one as equal as life within and as breath here in every moment.

Children will all be 'mothered' by all in and equal world, there will be no motherless child and not childless mother because we can all care for one another as equals!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad that I won't be a mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself what if's..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become envious of something that does not support all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to people that have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfish thoughts of wonder as what it would be like to have the love a child has for their mother and a mother for their child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from love and think that love is something that can be achieved through child birth and becoming a mother - love is an expression of who I am as equality here in every moment doing what is best for all and not stopping til it is here in fact.

I'm aware that there is more for me to write about regarding this particular topic and I will continue to share as things come up.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy the silence

I just got back to my desk from having lunch with a co-worker - he is sitting next to me now humming - he says "it is too quiet in here" I did not respond. I hear the air conditioner and my fingers hitting the keys of my keyboard and his hitting his. We did not speak much during lunch, I no longer feel compelled to fill silence with words in an attempt to avoid self intimacy. I just breathed and focused on the way the food felt in my mouth. There were moments where I almost said something but nothing was here to speak I would have said something meaningless e.g., talk about the weather in an attempt to be 'polite' -I used to think it was awkward not to speak now I find it self dishonest to speak when I have nothing real to speak about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel awkward being silent sitting next to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the person sitting with me might think I was awkward for not speaking up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think for a moment of what to say in order to get to a point of comfortability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable being here silent with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into morality about what is right and wrong with regards to speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is impolite not to engage in conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the world polite and not realise that being polite is based in morality and varies and not only does it vary it has no real meaning and it just a fake face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat

I breathed chewed and drank. I'm grateful I have access to food and water... It seemed as though we have absolutely nothing in common and it was just best to remain silent I breathed stopped thoughts and did my best to remain here silent within and without - enjoying my sandwich and water.

We actually do have a lot in common, I have something in common with all that exists but at work speaking about common sense and equality points are considered unprofessional. The equal money topic is considered perverse to some, mostly the ones with money. The people I speak openly with about equal money are the ones, just getting by, how limited - I can look at myself in the eyes of 'another' and not openly share and speak on what is important in this world because of the money system we have tacitly agreed upon.

When we have an equal monetary system in place things will be different, people will be different, more conversations will have actual meaning and there may even be more silence but real silence the silence of and as ourselves equal and one.

Polite - living as principle, what is best for all in every moment here as breath