The accumulation effect to get the total sum of and as Equality

Ok - My stomach is growling and I just ate lunch a few hours ago - people starve for days on end it is in fact horrific what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.

So I have been walking a point for sometime and I have been walking it for such a long time because I was conflicted about making a solid decision and being very concerned if it was the accumulation effect as what is best for all in actuality or was I just walking my pre-programming because it's the same type of pattern that I have lived over and over again in the past.

I realise I am being quite vague lol! I have to be at the moment, I will surely break down all of the walls more then likely sooner than later to give you a better grasp of what it is that I am facing -- Ultimately - myself.

I have asked myself somewhat relentlessly this same question over and over and this is my self-honesty -- Who am I and why am I unable to make a direct decision and stick to it? Why am I conflicted is this a back-chat fire missile attack? Am I really just a total fuck up? These questions keep me up at night, I haven't had a decent nights rest in over a year now. It is always the same things brewing back and forth shame, regret, sorry, depression, sadness - emotional irrelevant bullshit basically.

I placed myself in a difficult dilemma. What I truly believe in and want is 'World Equality' what is best for all. In order for me to do everything I must do to do this effectively and in a timely manner is be selfish 'now' to eventually accumulate what is best for all - on the other hand I could remain in the same position doing what is best for some, which I will never be satisfied with, I could not live with myself and I won't be expressing myself how I would like to express myself. Although it would make others quite happy and content, that is my basic programming pushing myself aside to make sure others are happy, some that read this may not agree but that is how I experience it.

I can see the basic moral point that has presented itself here where the system say's 'Deedra you know what you are doing is totally wrong and fucked up, there is a consequence for this type of behavior'. I mean hey, it may cause problems for me down the road but I can't self-honestly base a decision on a future projection.

I must apply myself and utilize breath and let self honesty be my guide and apply common sense and stop back-chat and take full responsibly for what is here.

I see how back-chat is like a military weapon -- it's fucking crazy and who created it none other than yours truly.

I have tools that work to prevent such attacks from causing any major disaster - self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-directive statements and self-corrective application.

I have a few some more things to write out in a mind construct on a particular individual in my world and place it on paper. This has all been in my mind for such a long time it's me tormenting myself and I no longer accept or allow myself to make this harder than it has to be.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for self first to accumulate what is best for all as self equal and one.