Daughter Personality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkuuKwlBrIk&feature=player_embedded

I have been quite angry lately, the simplest things set me off - for instance my mom came over to visit a couple of days ago - everything was 'fine' we were just chatting - she had been sick so she hadn't come over in a while and didn't want me to go to her house either so that I wouldn't catch her cold. She has had this cold for over three weeks now, my nephew was also sick for about a month and is finally feeling better, well she decided that it would be fine now for them to come and see me. When we were chatting she said something to me that really pissed me off, I reacted immediately, she said "Deedra you should tell your hairdresser to stop cutting your hair so short." She had a disgusted look on her face. It really struck a cord with me and I reacted immediately to what she said by raising my tone of voice and saying "My hair is fine! - I'm so sick of everyone always trying to tell me how to look, what to wear, and that my hair is too short! I like it this way - I was the one who told my hairdresser to cut my hair this short and a matter of fact I cut it myself initially." Once I got to the hairdresser she said "Oh No Deedra, you've been cutting your hair again haven't you?" I said "Yes I'm sorry."

Over time I have formed a habit when I get angry - I take it out on my hair. I have now flag-pointed this behavior and it always starts when I'm not Here as Breath and am in the mind and think and go into self judgement that I'm not good enough or I can't be perfect, then I get more angry and do things like shave, cut or pull on my hair. And say things like "I hate my hair" and when I had long hair, I would pull it back really tightly in a bun or pony tail, or fuss with it for a long time in front of the mirror - and judge myself extensively and go into sadness and then I just don't want to do anything and don't want to participate with anyone or anything.

Back to the event, so my mom seemed to be a bit taken back by my angered reaction and tried to lighten the mood, she said "I have also tried to cut my own hair when it is getting too long before as well." I could tell she was hurt and felt awkward but I didn't care. I just felt like I couldn't talk to her and I was mad for her always judging me. She left my house shortly after.

Once she had gone I felt very sad and I went into self judgement and felt angry at her and myself for how I allowed myself to react and I got scared because for a moment in my head the words "I hate her" popped up and I have never had a thought like that before... I started to think we were not as close as I once believed us to be. I felt alone. I felt like I would never be good enough to fit her standards and that I would never be or look like the person she wanted me to be. And I judged myself as inadequate because her standards are not high.

I was also frustrated because the house was not clean. Every time I clean my house so that it looks 'perfect' for when she arrives, she cancels and doesn't show up. She always comes over unexpectedly and ironically when the house is messy. So I was in a state of energetic possession before she actually arrived because I was embarrassed about it. So when she called to let me know she was on her way over and would be arriving in 10 minutes, I rushed and scrambled to clean up and remove my shoes out of the living room and cleared the coffee table of the things that were on it, I knew she would feel bad and it would bother her if she saw it messy. If my house is messy she takes it as she was a bad mother and you know that whole "I didn't raise you this way" - kinda thing.

Well, I have been over this point many times in my process the point of living according to my mothers standards of me rather than living according to my own.

When the true test comes for me to walk the correction here within the physical I've just continued to react and I still participate within it. Its become an automated reaction by me.

I realize now where I am within my process and that I have not corrected myself effectively nor have I been specific enough within my application because I was not here present, I was not breathing I was in the mind - worried, frantic, full of self judgement with the desire to please.

I do not accept this from myself any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react toward my mother in an energetic state of possession as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my sister and think that I won't ever be as thin, smart, well rounded or pretty as her and think that my mom also compares me to my sister and always see's her as better then me in every way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through comparison separate myself from my mother and sister

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form opinions about family and cause separation through these opinions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my experience through forming opinions about others

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to immediately take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the experience I have of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to deal with the original source of my anger immediately the moment the point arose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for this point to continue without correcting myself

I correct myself here

I do not accept or allow myself to suppress points that require attention and to be dealt with

I walk here within and as breath as self correction

I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind and thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with regards to not allowing myself to make breathing here my priority within every single moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad, angry and emotional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother because I have defined her as superior to me and that she has power over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ideas and for not standing here stable as self will and self power to do what is best for all in every single moment as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my personality as a daughter

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the power I have given to my mother over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if my mother is not the personality I want her to be I have lost something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in role playing and for allowing myself to also hold my mother within a specific role

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to ideas and personalities

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible for all that exists here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid writing about this again because its always the same thing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wont live up to the my mothers expectations of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea about what my mother expects of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rude to my mother instead of breathing and speaking self honestly about things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still worry frantically about what my mother might think about the condition of my home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not looking the way my mom wants me to look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this about her and not realise I am responsible and me alone for how I experience myself and what I will and will not accept or allow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the experience I have of myself according to my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation and feed off the energy of validation I get from others

I forgive myself for not realizing no one has to validate me I am here - I am valid

I forgive myself for not realizing no one had to accept me I am here - I accept myself unconditionally

I no longer accept or allow myself to continue to abuse myself through holding onto a personality suit

I let go unconditionally

I stand up

I live

Thank you for this video Sunette it is extremely supportive.

I paid for a storage unit

For about two years I was paying for a storage unit, I stored the things I wanted or may need in the future. A

fter finally sifting through everything I realize I don't need or want most it.

Prior to purchasing the storage unit I had a falling out with my roommate who also happens to be my cousin. When I moved out of the house we shared I was in an extreme emotional state and I gave myself three days to move out. I had this idea that selling everything immediately would be difficult to do alone. So obtaining a storage unit took the least amount of effort on my part, besides I was also dealing with, well not really dealing with, but being run over by all my thoughts my emotions.

Short cuts rarely make sense. Taking a short cut is usually based on thoughts, fuzzy logic, irresponsibly, laziness, fear and self interest.

I can only speak for myself and my experiences and within opening up this point I see that taking what seemed to be a short cut actually fucked me. I was stubborn and refused to be self honest, I did not direct myself to deal with my ego, emotions, memories, beliefs, justifications, ideas, judgments and fears, instead sweeping it all under a rug - the rug was self suppression. I did not allow myself to do what was necessary to be done in the moment in the physical, here within and as breath. Instead I ran and "chose" LOL! the easy way out. I listened to the mind and accepted and allowed thoughts to direct me.

My plan was to to place my stuff in storage for just a month or so and when I moved into a new place I would take it out and use it. Simple, right? This all seemed to make sense at the time, the monthly fee was sixty dollars and my stuff was worth more than that so I figured, why not? Well my plan did not work because I kept putting it off. Sometimes I went to the storage unit to look at what was in it, it had been so long that I started to forget what I had. I thought well, perhaps I will get motivated and move it out, but that didn't happen, instead of doing anything I would just look at my stuff and reminisce and think about the time that I placed my belongings in it and the events that took place around that time and go into sadness and tear up and then just stuff the items back into the boxes shut the storage door, lock it up until a better time to deal with it came along.

It was impractical and a huge waste of money to store this stuff, I mean it would have been a huge weight off of my shoulders to take care of it once and for all but I never did anything, instead I went on thinking about it, continuously justifying my behavior and remained stubborn and allowed myself to go into laziness making excuses of all kinds and resisted this point like the plague it became easy to say to myself "Oh fuck it, I will get it out some other time."

I never did anything but procrastinate, make excuses and deceive myself.

I could have placed the money towards what is best for all, such as research at Desteni or educating myself . $60 a month would have been cool to put towards equality rather than putting it back into the current money system a system that supports abuse & separation. Within allowing myself to be self delusional and only care about what was best for me, I allowed fear, self dishonesty to blind me of simple common sense.

I held on to these physical belongings as an idea and statement of myself as belonging to something or someone or something or someone belonging to me. The point that I stored it is another indication that I was not facing myself and I had this idea that if I ignored it long enough it would somehow go away and I would not have to take responsibility for it, for myself.

I wanted to remain part of a family, I had defined myself as a family member and it was a safe place, part of my identity, my personality, and who would I be without this definition of myself?

I wanted to be loved and to love, I wanted to be looked after, I wanted to belong but why would one want to belong in the first place so as I investigate this I realise it is non sense to want or desire to belong to something or someone. This point implies separation -

I did not realise at the time that real love does not exist as separation as a family an idea - love exists here within and as equality as an expression of myself - what is best for ALL

Family is an idea and I gave value to this idea. Even if one look at the the meaning of the word family the meaning changes from person to person so how can it be real? It is not meaningful or practical. I mean common sense is that if no one has the same definition for a word a definition that lasts and is best for all then giving value to something like an idea about what family is, is simply self delusional if one has a look families or the idea thereof actually cause separation and abuse in this world it is quite a fuck up.

Conclusively this became a burden and a time loop within my process.

By allowing myself to gi

ve value to relationships of any kind I limit myself extensively and am not real - just another robot doing things robots do - An example of this would be keeping up family traditions and just walking another step on a pre-programmed path and through continuing to exist as fear and as a coward, I abuse myself extensively. Till here no further.

It is common sense to do what is best for all and within doing what is best for all, I do what is best of me - everything I do has an effect on this reality as a whole it is a simple mathematical equation 1+1=2 and everything everyone else does has an effect on me so doing what is best for all is simple common sense. I will no longer sit back and do nothing and pretend that everything is alright in this world, it is not and I will not accept or allow it any longer. Something must be done to stop the systems of this world systems that keep all enslaved and that starts here by me taking responsibility for myself changing myself and deleting what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as, a limited system design. I will myself and re-create myself as equal to and as life as self honesty, self responsibility within every single breath for all that exists in every moment - I direct myself and express myself not as a personality design but as life. I correct myself. I will myself. I move. I direct

I take responsibility for myself as all that exists and I will myself to walk and breath and remain here within and as common sense within and as the equality equation 1+1=2

It is all as me HERE

So walking this point I realise I did not consider this simple common sense equation 1+1=2 - I was not willing to take the time to go through my stuff and get rid of what I did not truly need- I was in my mind and I allowed myself to give my power away to thoughts, ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, justifications and beliefs.

This entire two years or so I allowed myself to hold onto this point as a life raft, just keeping my head above water, never moving myself in the physical just in my mind floating there waiting for someone to rescue me, I allowed myself to remain self delusional.

After two years of bullshitting myself and self dishonesty I finally fucking did it! I cleared out my storage unit it took about four hours - that was it! I sold the stuff I didn't need and breathed through any reactions I experienced, it was simple. God damn, thinking really fucking sucks! It sucks the life out of me if I allow it and it becomes a point of debilitation because the mind goes - NO don't do that! -You are still to weak! -You can do it later, you've got time. -you NEED this stuff -You will NEVER ever find another one like it.
BULLSHIT!

I feared what memories I would face and because I let fear direct me I did nothing and I was experiencing stress, irritation, agitation and blamed others the entire time for how I was experiencing myself. W

ho is here writing? I am here. Who is walking this point? I am walking this point. Who had to physically move the stuff and sell it? Me. Within avoiding my self responsibility I caused a two year time-loop only remaining as a memory . I did not move myself. I was not HERE present, breathing, because I was in my mind about things from the past. I made myself quite ineffective by participating in thoughts.

I take responsibility for myself and direct myself to do what is best for all.

The idea I had possessions actually possessed me

Till here no further

I allow myself to face myself in ALL ways always unconditionally - I no longer give myself a so called choice in the matter because w

hat matters is MATTER.

I entitled this blog - I 'Paid' for a 'Storage Unit' - Now I realise the fee has been the diminishment of myself by and through existing as shame & regret - a

lthough shame and regret will not fit the bill.

What I am able to do is as self honesty, direct myself, move myself, will myself and correct myself to no longer accept or allow myself to be anything less then who I really am and take responsibility for my accepted and allowed delusions and

suppressions.

Self honesty, self forgiveness, breathing & self correction is the key to how I am able to walk myself through this time-loop HERE within and as breath, within and as self honesty - I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself, I no longer accept or allow myself to fear - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as shame - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as regret - I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as self dishonesty

If a point of desire that of wanting to save things comes up or wanting to store things, keep things with a future projection and that I am aware of for all practical purposes is completely unnecessary I will myself to rid myself of those items and simply direct myself and move myself to do what must be done in the moment and write myself to freedom - I no longer accept or allow myself to fear facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value of positive or negative on matter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and remain as a pattern

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to store things and not realize that in doing these things within the physical I am also allowing myself to participate in storing things within me that I have not been willing to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses for not directing myself and for not moving myself to act and will myself to do something about how I experienced myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create ideas, justifications and future projections about how I may experience myself within actually ridding myself of these items

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts, ideas, memories, feelings, emotions, justifications, beliefs, future projections, ego and fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to material possessions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I was the owner of these possessions and because of that point I gave value to it

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire control and to desire controlling others and my environment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame beings for the experience I had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to disregard what is best for all and only do what was best for me the ego of the mind.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take responsibility in the moment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become emotional about material items because I allowed myself to attach memories to them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to memories

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to a picture in my mind that is stored as a memory

I will no longer accept or allow myself to participate in memories I will delete memories because they are not real and only serve the mind consciousness systme and cause me to only exist as a memory and never be anything but a memory playing over and over again.

Til here no further

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to thoughts, ideas, opinions beliefs, justifications, fear and give value to this point as greater then myself greater then my will to act

and greater and more powerful then my will to move myself to do what is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self delusion

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to not immediately act and move myself to do what is best for all within and as breath HERE

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become possessed by these thoughts and for allowing thoughts to direct me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form ideas about what I should would or will do one day in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have future projections and not remain here as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in excuses and justifications as to why I was not able to get it done

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want help or for someone to take responsibly for my mess

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to belong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about getting it done and for not directing myself to act immediately

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to the voice in my head

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to reason with the voice in my head and come to conclusions and make decisions based on thoughts

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I got rid of my belongings that a part of me would die

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to personality

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that certain material items are a part of my identity and if I were to no longer have them I will no longer have that particular definition and design of myself. Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my self to definitions of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to design myself as definitions of the mind through and as attaching myself to material items

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to hold onto memories because I defined myself as them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that I must define myself in order to have value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as the past and in doing this not directing myself to remain here present considering myself as all that exists beginning middle and end here as one with me as who I am

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as memories and pictures that are in my mind as thoughts, ideas, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to delete thoughts and memories that come up and for not deleting pictures immediately

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here present within and as breath as simplicity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to and as a memory that I have attached to a picture in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and spiteful toward my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a desire to win

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stand equal to and as the people that are in my family

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be right

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as energy as +/- and for attaching value of positive or negative on things I have formed and idea about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form and create ideas so that I can be ahead of the game in case someone challenges me and my actions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately keep things within me as unresolved in an attempt to use this as an excuse to take a back door in my process

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to tell me they are sorry for how I experience myself and for what I went through so that this will prove to me and them that I was right all along and they were wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as self abuse and for causing abuse in this world

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as limitation
I no longer accept or allow myself to be self dishonest

I no longer accept or allow myself to make excuses

I not longer accept or allow myself to abdicate myself responsibility

I no longer accept or allow myself to give value to an idea

after it is all said and done I am still HERE :)

Radical Self Awareness Tools Rip Open the Veil of Deception

Food

I just finished reading Anna's blog regarding food and I had a look at myself and my current experience within eating.

I woke up this morning as I do every morning and one of the first things i do is boil water to make coffee for myself. I generally have a little over 1 cup maybe 2 with flavored creamer - within my secret mind i say I need coffee today to assist me in moving and getting myself going- I am generally in a hurry because I do not have a routine of any kind and even when I wake up earlier then i require to I still find that I am rushing and disorganized - I cant find my shoes, or I am not able to get my clothes right I change multiple times trying to find something 'comfortable' to wear I also have been a bit stubborn with regards to getting organized and also I tell myself well what is the point I can not plan for the future i just have to live within the moment- looking at this here I see how this is me manipulating myself because my experience is not that of living and remaining here as breath within the moment but rather - I feel clustered, frumpy, excited, running, rushing, disorganized and anxious - within this I also go well I can do what i want when i want but this is silly as it only fucks me in the end and then I start everything off as if i am incomplete - and throughout the day I judge myself for it and go back into the secret mind thinking thoughts of myself as being stupid, dumb, or unable to ever get myself together, I constantly judge myself for my experience in my clothing and the way I look like shoot maybe these pants are way too short or maybe i look fat to people or shit this shoes need to be polished. So lol back to food and coffee on my way out of the house is when i usually drink the coffee because it has cooled and i can just quickly drink it down to get my coffee 'fix' and i have justified drinking coffee because it assists in defusing family constructs or something like that not really sure exactly anymore but that has been my excuse. It is very rare that i eat in the morning just have coffee and then around 10:30am I have lunch at work and generally the food is alright although sometimes its really bad and old and kinda scary to even consider eating because only god knows where its been or how old it is and if it will make me sick because it has happened in the past. I have been eating less recently half a plate of food and some soup but today i at a bunch my stomach had been growling for hours and i had an idea that I will eat a lot because i was 'starving' I also see i have a pattern of not listening to my body and when i need to pee for instance I hold it for a really long time until i actually experience physical pain and then when i do go my stomach hurts afterwards. So this is an interesting pattern playing out within me. Today i had a bit of pizza i took off the pepperoni because for about 8 years give or take a few months i have not allowed myself to eat pork because i was into Judaism and it is not Kosher. So I have still allowed this point the mind to dictate my eating, i do enjoy the taste of pork but i have justified not eating anymore because i figure one less animal died or suffered but this is self dishonest because i still allow myself to consume other types of meat such as chicken, beef, turkey and fishes. No shell fish still because again it is not Kosher and i have been doing this for years so within the secret mind i go why start now... I sorta place and idea about it as disgusting and that shell fish are the bottom dwellers of the ocean and similar to eating a cockroach and so on. I will apply the application of asking my body what it wants to eat and allow myself to trust myself as my body rather then eating from the starting point of thoughts feelings and emotions. Ok also i had mixed veggies - snow peas, baby carrots, squash and also fish and some tartar sauce and rice - i at it all in about a matter of 10 minutes because we have to wear radios at work and i got a call to come back to my office as someone required assistance. So i got a bit mad because i still wanted to eat more but i didnt i just came back to work and here i am its 410pm atm and my stomach was growling as i write this - I took a bit of a break went over to the shop next door and did mc and asked my body what to eat i got a clear unlock on berry almond trail mix i did y/n and i got a clear yes. Generally i would wait for another 3 hrs or so before i eat again and by then i would be extremely hungry with my stomach growling the entire time and when i finally do eat I eat very quickly and dont really even taste the food i just want to stop my stomach from growling so I eat fast and i never ask my body either what i should have according to nurture my body. Ok so i decided just now to ask my body if i require anymore trail mix and i got a clear no in y/n my mind is saying eat more your hungry it tastes really good and your still hungry but my physical experience is opposite the thoughts my stomach stopped growling and i dont feel like im 'starving' Tonight I have not decided what to have for dinner and i usually think about it all day long but only come to a conclusion minutes before i eat because by that time my stomach is growling and i just want food in my belly to stop the hungry feeling. I will continue to write about my experiences and share what i investigate daily.

I do not do very much physical activity as my job is a sit down job and I am here a lot and also i have allowed myself to create an idea that if i excersize i will feed the mcs. But I do like to hike and walk and ride my bike every once and a while as i realise the benefit of moving myself physically and supporting my body so its again all about the starting point - now when i hike or walk I do not exert myself and if i feel like i am not able to breath properly i slow myself down and i take a moment to focus on my breath and i go again - now the sun goes down later so I will start to walk alone after work so that i will support my body in moving and also in assisting myself within self movement.

I just realised I did not post anything regarding drinks other then coffee. I had about less then half a cup of water today - Something i have been doing lately is asking my body if i require water and then i ask if i require 1 cup - 2 cups - 3 cups and so on. I will continue this and also as i said above continue to share my experiences