Daughter Personality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkuuKwlBrIk&feature=player_embedded

I have been quite angry lately, the simplest things set me off - for instance my mom came over to visit a couple of days ago - everything was 'fine' we were just chatting - she had been sick so she hadn't come over in a while and didn't want me to go to her house either so that I wouldn't catch her cold. She has had this cold for over three weeks now, my nephew was also sick for about a month and is finally feeling better, well she decided that it would be fine now for them to come and see me. When we were chatting she said something to me that really pissed me off, I reacted immediately, she said "Deedra you should tell your hairdresser to stop cutting your hair so short." She had a disgusted look on her face. It really struck a cord with me and I reacted immediately to what she said by raising my tone of voice and saying "My hair is fine! - I'm so sick of everyone always trying to tell me how to look, what to wear, and that my hair is too short! I like it this way - I was the one who told my hairdresser to cut my hair this short and a matter of fact I cut it myself initially." Once I got to the hairdresser she said "Oh No Deedra, you've been cutting your hair again haven't you?" I said "Yes I'm sorry."

Over time I have formed a habit when I get angry - I take it out on my hair. I have now flag-pointed this behavior and it always starts when I'm not Here as Breath and am in the mind and think and go into self judgement that I'm not good enough or I can't be perfect, then I get more angry and do things like shave, cut or pull on my hair. And say things like "I hate my hair" and when I had long hair, I would pull it back really tightly in a bun or pony tail, or fuss with it for a long time in front of the mirror - and judge myself extensively and go into sadness and then I just don't want to do anything and don't want to participate with anyone or anything.

Back to the event, so my mom seemed to be a bit taken back by my angered reaction and tried to lighten the mood, she said "I have also tried to cut my own hair when it is getting too long before as well." I could tell she was hurt and felt awkward but I didn't care. I just felt like I couldn't talk to her and I was mad for her always judging me. She left my house shortly after.

Once she had gone I felt very sad and I went into self judgement and felt angry at her and myself for how I allowed myself to react and I got scared because for a moment in my head the words "I hate her" popped up and I have never had a thought like that before... I started to think we were not as close as I once believed us to be. I felt alone. I felt like I would never be good enough to fit her standards and that I would never be or look like the person she wanted me to be. And I judged myself as inadequate because her standards are not high.

I was also frustrated because the house was not clean. Every time I clean my house so that it looks 'perfect' for when she arrives, she cancels and doesn't show up. She always comes over unexpectedly and ironically when the house is messy. So I was in a state of energetic possession before she actually arrived because I was embarrassed about it. So when she called to let me know she was on her way over and would be arriving in 10 minutes, I rushed and scrambled to clean up and remove my shoes out of the living room and cleared the coffee table of the things that were on it, I knew she would feel bad and it would bother her if she saw it messy. If my house is messy she takes it as she was a bad mother and you know that whole "I didn't raise you this way" - kinda thing.

Well, I have been over this point many times in my process the point of living according to my mothers standards of me rather than living according to my own.

When the true test comes for me to walk the correction here within the physical I've just continued to react and I still participate within it. Its become an automated reaction by me.

I realize now where I am within my process and that I have not corrected myself effectively nor have I been specific enough within my application because I was not here present, I was not breathing I was in the mind - worried, frantic, full of self judgement with the desire to please.

I do not accept this from myself any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react toward my mother in an energetic state of possession as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my sister and think that I won't ever be as thin, smart, well rounded or pretty as her and think that my mom also compares me to my sister and always see's her as better then me in every way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through comparison separate myself from my mother and sister

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form opinions about family and cause separation through these opinions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my experience through forming opinions about others

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to immediately take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the experience I have of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to deal with the original source of my anger immediately the moment the point arose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for this point to continue without correcting myself

I correct myself here

I do not accept or allow myself to suppress points that require attention and to be dealt with

I walk here within and as breath as self correction

I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind and thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with regards to not allowing myself to make breathing here my priority within every single moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad, angry and emotional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother because I have defined her as superior to me and that she has power over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ideas and for not standing here stable as self will and self power to do what is best for all in every single moment as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my personality as a daughter

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the power I have given to my mother over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if my mother is not the personality I want her to be I have lost something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in role playing and for allowing myself to also hold my mother within a specific role

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to ideas and personalities

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible for all that exists here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid writing about this again because its always the same thing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wont live up to the my mothers expectations of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea about what my mother expects of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rude to my mother instead of breathing and speaking self honestly about things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still worry frantically about what my mother might think about the condition of my home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not looking the way my mom wants me to look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this about her and not realise I am responsible and me alone for how I experience myself and what I will and will not accept or allow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the experience I have of myself according to my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation and feed off the energy of validation I get from others

I forgive myself for not realizing no one has to validate me I am here - I am valid

I forgive myself for not realizing no one had to accept me I am here - I accept myself unconditionally

I no longer accept or allow myself to continue to abuse myself through holding onto a personality suit

I let go unconditionally

I stand up

I live

Thank you for this video Sunette it is extremely supportive.