I was with my mom and nephew all day yesterday and I've finally come to realize some things that are quite obvious although I didn't notice these points before because as I stated in an earlier blog -I just did not want to let go, I did not want to realize, I did not want to change, I was fearful of losing her, I was afraid to let go of an idea about a mother, daughter relationship, the idea that I was special to someone and someone was special to me. I was addicted to the energy exchange between us, even though I realized the abuse it caused, I was still allowing myself to participate within it.
I can not and will not change my mother. I can only change myself and be a living example of change - this is the only way I can support mySELF unconditionally. She may go on judging, manipulating, fearing and worrying. I can not stop her this is all she knows and how she's programmed herself and how her mother programmed her because that is all her mother knew and the cycle just recycled and continued - if I hadn't come across Desteni, I could just about guarantee that I would have done the same exact thing with my children if I had had children.
Human beings are programmed and exist in cycles as energy swinging back and forth from positive to negative energetic charges repeatedly, just like a magnetic pendulum swaying back and forth, never getting anywhere just the perception of change because there is movement but it is not self movement it is self enslavement, eternal fuckedness, stuckness between the two polarities - positive and negative, this is what I was doing with her all my life.
I do not blame her anymore, I stop participating within these cycles, I no longer accept or allow myself to participate within programming and relationships that are of the mind. When we were together yesterday, I realised that I was not reacting at all and within a moment also realised that I can not change her and that my starting point within wanting to change her is self dishonest. I wasn't aware of wanting to change her until now that I have opened up this point unconditionally within and as self honesty. If she is going to change she will do it for herself by herself. It was quite egotistical of me to want to change her and a projection to want to change someone in the first place.
I can be quite stubborn and it is self dishonest for me to be stubborn most of the time because it is coming from a point of blame or wanting to win. So within me seeking my mothers approval or seeking to see a change in her or wanting there to be an agreement between us before I would be willing to direct myself is simply self dishonest. Within reacting to these points I showed myself that I am limited to these points for example manipulation, blame, self judgement, fear, patterns. So I correct myself and stop reacting, because I see it for what it is and it is not real and not supportive to me or anyone for that matter and definitely not what is best for all. So all in all, I don't have to wait for my mom to stop judging or wait for her to stop manipulating - I will just remain here breathe and support mySELF within breath - I stop reacting because it is not what is best for all. I don't have to place value on her or myself - I stand equal to and as her and breathe and direct mySELF -I let go unconditionally of this relationship and I stop agreeing to participate within it. Till here no further - I walk the correction. I stand. I am here. I am stable.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change my mother
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother to change and for not realising I was the one that required to change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared change
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of this idea immediately and the illusion because I was selfish and desired to be special
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to her
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn and want to win
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energy +/-
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be self honest about my participation within this relationship and for not taking responsibility by and through investigating this point fully immediately and for not writing about it until I was clear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and find other things to keep me busy, so I would not have to face this point because I feared being vulnerable and letting go unconditionally
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear of loss control me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as regret and shame
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in separation with my mother because I formed a relationship within my mind about what and who she is in relation to me
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to real-IS-e that I can only lose that which I am in separation with
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for what I experienced
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make an experience of the mind real
I forgive myself for not realising the support she was giving me as a mirror reflection of myself
I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself and correct myself even though I knew I needed to further investigate this point
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself on the back burner
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain within stuckness, fuckedness so that I would not have to change, I would not have to let go, I would not have to stand up and take full responsibility for the mess and separation I allowed and created
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self abusive and abuse life because of my accepted and allowed self illusions, and delusions
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my mother more then anyone and for not standing equal to and as love as an expression of me as who I am as life equal and one
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move myself and direct myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mother to act or be a certain way for for acting a certain particular way so that she will be satisfied with me
I forgive myself for disregarding the physical reality by and through participating within mind relationships
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