Mountain Out Of A Mole Hill

It's weird this experience of myself, it is as though I have a ton to write about and work through but also at the same time I'm angry and bottled up, every point seems overwhelming. I have allowed myself to suppress myself for the past week - It is like a storm is furiously moving around me and due to not blogging consistantly I've managed to make a mountain out of a Mole hill.

breath by breath, point by point, moment by moment. here...

First - Breath... Slow down.... Breath... I am here.

First point to work with, This is when I noticed I suppressed myself - SRA - Things have changed in SRA and I reacted to the changes - I was looking forward (future projection) to speaking with the resonances and also I experienced a bit of inferiority and feeling like a failure. I do realize that working on mind constructs for an additional 6 months is best for all and the truth is, I was not confident in my mind construct capabilities. I was glad I got through a few but over all I was not 100% confident I could walk them with another within confidence and support and assist within specificity- I figured over time somehow 'magically' maybe, I would figure it out.

So bringing everything back to self is supportive for me to further explore my reactions and why I reacted in the first place.

I felt sad and memories came up of when I attended school and I failed or was not able to get the work done effectively because I got behind and once I was behind I just totally gave up because I was not able to do it perfectly and I feared asking for help because I did not want to look dumb so I opted not to do it at all, I just gave up on myself. I was fearful of the judgement of others so rather then do the work and be graded 'fairly', I could just say ah well if I really wanted to try I could have easily made an A - Too bad for them! Haha... O' Gee, Whata Doozy. Who was I kidding? Just me... It's always that way isn't it?

I came up with the self definition that I am not good enough & inferior and now the self definition came back up rather quickly and clearly when hearing Bernard's videos. I immediately felt upset that I didn't do more when I had the chance and that I did not study effectively and If I had I would not have to be punished. Within common sense I realise that this is not punishment at all and is what is best for all. Irregardless of the fact that I was fully aware of this decision being in the best interest of all, I still wanted it my way - and so rebellious thoughts ensued.

Muscle communication was quite simple for me. I was very proud of myself, I mean there was a 'learning curve' of course and Andrea is a great instructor. I am confident about it so to hear we won't be using muscle communication as much made me feel shitty because the thing that I was actually 'good' at, we won't be using much or at all anymore and the thing I am 'bad' at mind constructs we will be doing much more of.

Fear of failure is rearing it's head and disappointment in myself that I just can't get things right, and I can't get it together - When people go left I always seem to be going right just when I think I'm on track I get pushed off the track all over again. I just want to go with the flow...

I'm disappointed in myself and also frustrated because I can't get my bank to cooperate with me when making online payments for my SRA Course and every time I try to make a payment the charges are flagged as fraud so it's been delaying my payment, it is not that I intended them to be late. So now my payments were not made consistently and I fear that people at the farm will think I'm incompetent and unreliable and I don't want that.

What is the matter with me? I don't know if people are faking it or if they 'get it' sometimes I wonder if I am smart enough to get this done specifically and effectively.

I STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embrace change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my experience of incompetence and unreliability onto others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the belief that I am incompetent and unreliable

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsiblity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to speak to my resonances and see it as a reward for doing my SRA work on time and well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've been punished because I know that the resonances give me usual support and a cool prespective on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my resonances for guidance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incompetent, unreliable, and ineffective in the projects and lessons I take responsibly for and commit to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself and seek an outlet so that I can blame beings for how I have allowed myself to experience me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've failed and that I'm being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rebel because of perceived punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ability with muscle communication as good and give a positive value to my ability within muscle communication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is someones fault why I won't be able to use muscle communication as much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and frustrated with myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a self belief that I am a failure, unreliable, irresponsible, inadequate, incompetent, and unintelligent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to others in process and as inferior to my SRA lessons

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know what is best for all but still within allow myself to go into anger because things won't work out the way I planned them to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change and changes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future and because of this try to control it through creating future projections and create outcomes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in mind chatter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on thoughts, ideas, future projections, self judgement, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I was experiencing because I don't want to look like I'm whining or not participating effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself and my process from others to be perceived as doing well and failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being noticed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the self dishonesty I exist as if I allow myself to manipulate myself to the point that I blind myself from what is here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am these definitions I have created of and as myself and that it is all I will ever be or ever be able to accomplish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allow myself to act in the best interest of all and for not remaining stable here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind when listening to videos and react because I am in a state of energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a student that fails and so when things change or happen I immediately react and become that child again that is fearful to ask questions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent that I was doing well at something that we are now not going to be utilizing as much or at all anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to blame for why I have limited myself so extensively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into tiredness or sleepiness and use excuses in my secret mind as to why I should not write about this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse within myself that because Andrew spoke on this topic that was enough and if I were to write it out for myself that it was like beating a dead horse and who wants to hear about it anyway

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything less then who I really am