"Refuse To Remain Quite"

So I write... I have been slacking off on blogging - I was told that someone was reading my blog and ever since that day I subconsciously or unconsciously maybe stopped and I did not go into guilt about stopping either, I justified it by saying I was so busy and working very hard and making excuses as to why it wasn't necessary for me to blog and one day led to two and two to three and then five full days later I decided fuck I better get to it.

I read in on the desteni forum a post that Bernard made and it simply said - "refuse to remain quiet" and I reacted because I was doing just that, remaining quiet and then I looked at the point and thought to myself well shucks, I am busy and I don't have anything to speak about, even after reading that supportive post I still allowed myself to remain quiet for a few more days and then I made a "surfacy" blog yesterday just to put one out because I knew it was necessary -I have committed to writing daily and I am fully aware that I was fucking with myself through accepting and allowing limitation through listening to mind chatter and for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by thoughts.

I have heard of ghost writers but rarely ghost readers it's cool I'm grateful people read my blog and maybe I can be of some support through assisting and supporting myself to do what must be done, do what I say I will do and stick to my guns about it - stand up for myself in every moment of breath.

In my life I have perpetually allowed myself to give up and give in and and not take things seriously, not take myself seriously. I've been inclined to do things somewhat half heartedly, I just did - I do not really know why though - I don't know when this began but if I recall it was early on, I think at some point I became insecure and that was at a tender age. I do not know what caused this insecure / inferiority I experienced but it almost seems like its always been here, maybe I thought I was special and that for some strange reason I didn't have to and I usually used the excuse that I wasn't good enough or that I couldn't or tried to bullshit my way out of any type of commitment or responsibility, being in process I challenge all the programming I have existed as for my entire life and I suppose it's not so much of a challenge as it is a letting go of and directing myself and just changing and never accepting or allowing myself to look back or to fall back into old system designs because through applying self forgiveness I have realised these are just ideas that I have of myself and I can simply stop my participation. Keeping this 'entity' alive by thinking about why I am not good enough is self dishonesty. The other day in chat on the forum Kristina said "Push past the idea of yourself Deedra - Self trust" - in that moment I went inside myself like a curling up inside myself and I could hear the mind's back chat saying but, but no this is me though, you don't understand,,, I can't do what you guys do and then I realized if I were to accept that and spew out what the mind says then I would just be stuck within that same vicious cycle endlessly and I actually cried a bit as soon as she said that and thats a point of manipulation I have used in the past to get what I want or rather get out of doing things and in trying to prove that the limitations I have accepted and allowed for so long are indeed valid but it is self dishonest and so I just replied with I will do my best and I will fuck it. I will myself because I am a self willed EQUAL, I trust myself, I love myself, I accept myself unconditionally and I correct myself and stand and do what is best for all and I will not accept or allow limitations within and as me, it is unacceptable to make excuses for myself or to listen to the mind chatter because that has proven to be poisonous and I am the one accepting and allowing the poison to be created in the first place so I stop this behavior because I simply do not accept or allow myself to abuse myself. Til here no further.

Thanks Kristina I appreciate the support and assistance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain quiet

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to slack off and justify why I have allowed limitation within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceive that I am limited

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care and worry about what other people think about me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my writing ability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically assume that whoever reads my blog that is not in process will judge it, judge me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thinking and for creating and following thoughts of inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my mind and to believe that I am inferior or too busy or have nothing to say

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others and then place myself as inferior, primarily I do this with women

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to women and then go into inferiority because I have accepted the idea of myself as inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through participating in the mind consciousness systems as thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, beliefs, polarities, secrets, back chat, fear, perceptions, and judgement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this idea to move direct and control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the idea that I am inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing separation within and as me through existing as energy +/-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as superiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck as energy between both polarities inferiority/superiority because I was not willing to stand equal to all that exists as me here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project superiority because I am attempting to cover up the experience of myself as inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self compromise through accepting and allowing limitation with and as me and for existing in the mind as thoughts charged as either +/-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist in the mind as thoughts and not live here within and as the physical but only as a system due to accepted and allowed participation in polarity manifestations of the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self dishonest

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to what someone said to me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself, move myself, write and share myself unconditionally as all as one as equal as life

I am here