I woke up this morning as I do every morning and one of the first things i do is boil water to make coffee for myself. I generally have a little over 1 cup maybe 2 with flavored creamer - within my secret mind i say I need coffee today to assist me in moving and getting myself going- I am generally in a hurry because I do not have a routine of any kind and even when I wake up earlier then i require to I still find that I am rushing and disorganized - I cant find my shoes, or I am not able to get my clothes right I change multiple times trying to find something 'comfortable' to wear I also have been a bit stubborn with regards to getting organized and also I tell myself well what is the point I can not plan for the future i just have to live within the moment- looking at this here I see how this is me manipulating myself because my experience is not that of living and remaining here as breath within the moment but rather - I feel clustered, frumpy, excited, running, rushing, disorganized and anxious - within this I also go well I can do what i want when i want but this is silly as it only fucks me in the end and then I start everything off as if i am incomplete - and throughout the day I judge myself for it and go back into the secret mind thinking thoughts of myself as being stupid, dumb, or unable to ever get myself together, I constantly judge myself for my experience in my clothing and the way I look like shoot maybe these pants are way too short or maybe i look fat to people or shit this shoes need to be polished. So lol back to food and coffee on my way out of the house is when i usually drink the coffee because it has cooled and i can just quickly drink it down to get my coffee 'fix' and i have justified drinking coffee because it assists in defusing family constructs or something like that not really sure exactly anymore but that has been my excuse. It is very rare that i eat in the morning just have coffee and then around 10:30am I have lunch at work and generally the food is alright although sometimes its really bad and old and kinda scary to even consider eating because only god knows where its been or how old it is and if it will make me sick because it has happened in the past. I have been eating less recently half a plate of food and some soup but today i at a bunch my stomach had been growling for hours and i had an idea that I will eat a lot because i was 'starving' I also see i have a pattern of not listening to my body and when i need to pee for instance I hold it for a really long time until i actually experience physical pain and then when i do go my stomach hurts afterwards. So this is an interesting pattern playing out within me. Today i had a bit of pizza i took off the pepperoni because for about 8 years give or take a few months i have not allowed myself to eat pork because i was into Judaism and it is not Kosher. So I have still allowed this point the mind to dictate my eating, i do enjoy the taste of pork but i have justified not eating anymore because i figure one less animal died or suffered but this is self dishonest because i still allow myself to consume other types of meat such as chicken, beef, turkey and fishes. No shell fish still because again it is not Kosher and i have been doing this for years so within the secret mind i go why start now... I sorta place and idea about it as disgusting and that shell fish are the bottom dwellers of the ocean and similar to eating a cockroach and so on. I will apply the application of asking my body what it wants to eat and allow myself to trust myself as my body rather then eating from the starting point of thoughts feelings and emotions. Ok also i had mixed veggies - snow peas, baby carrots, squash and also fish and some tartar sauce and rice - i at it all in about a matter of 10 minutes because we have to wear radios at work and i got a call to come back to my office as someone required assistance. So i got a bit mad because i still wanted to eat more but i didnt i just came back to work and here i am its 410pm atm and my stomach was growling as i write this - I took a bit of a break went over to the shop next door and did mc and asked my body what to eat i got a clear unlock on berry almond trail mix i did y/n and i got a clear yes. Generally i would wait for another 3 hrs or so before i eat again and by then i would be extremely hungry with my stomach growling the entire time and when i finally do eat I eat very quickly and dont really even taste the food i just want to stop my stomach from growling so I eat fast and i never ask my body either what i should have according to nurture my body. Ok so i decided just now to ask my body if i require anymore trail mix and i got a clear no in y/n my mind is saying eat more your hungry it tastes really good and your still hungry but my physical experience is opposite the thoughts my stomach stopped growling and i dont feel like im 'starving' Tonight I have not decided what to have for dinner and i usually think about it all day long but only come to a conclusion minutes before i eat because by that time my stomach is growling and i just want food in my belly to stop the hungry feeling. I will continue to write about my experiences and share what i investigate daily.
I do not do very much physical activity as my job is a sit down job and I am here a lot and also i have allowed myself to create an idea that if i excersize i will feed the mcs. But I do like to hike and walk and ride my bike every once and a while as i realise the benefit of moving myself physically and supporting my body so its again all about the starting point - now when i hike or walk I do not exert myself and if i feel like i am not able to breath properly i slow myself down and i take a moment to focus on my breath and i go again - now the sun goes down later so I will start to walk alone after work so that i will support my body in moving and also in assisting myself within self movement.
I just realised I did not post anything regarding drinks other then coffee. I had about less then half a cup of water today - Something i have been doing lately is asking my body if i require water and then i ask if i require 1 cup - 2 cups - 3 cups and so on. I will continue this and also as i said above continue to share my experiences
