Monday, August 8, 2011


All of the people I live with now, have a college education or are currently attending college and this was something I was glad to be a part of but what I was not expecting was how my pre-programming of inferiority would come out and in the most peculiar ways.

Working in a group setting is cool because it has given me the opportunity to face myself, for instance I would have trouble speaking up or speaking naturally because I had extensive back chat about sounding stupid or not having a large enough vocabulary or not being able to communicate with the same level of effectiveness as them. I had defined myself as inferior so I would actually end up manifesting this for myself. For instance in the middle of a sentence I would experience movement within me and thoughts of self judgement and then I would totally forget what I was saying and then I was never able to get the point across or the support I wanted to share. I was not here present listening actively but rather in my mind trying to think of something smart to say because in my mind what I would say naturally just wasn't "good enough."

I opened up this point with my roommates and I had an emotional reaction and started to cry a bit. I realized that this was the point to face and the point that I had been allowing and accepting myself to be possessed by. I keep thinking that no one was listening to me and that others were just ignoring what I was saying because they think they are smarter then me and that what I say is stupid but that is not the case at all. One of my roommates said "Deedra what you say does not sound unintelligent" But there were times where she did notice that I would go into self victimization and she could see it because she had also faced similar points and sometimes still does but is in the process of stopping the reactions and back-chat as well.

Now that I have shared my experience and exposed my back-chat I have no longer get tongue tied. I also wrote self-forgiveness for accepting and allowing this point of inferiority to separate me from the group.

Of course this whole time it was all me, its always self isn't it. Being in this new environment has been extensively supportive and I am grateful for all of the support thus far and grateful to be able to support others in self trust.

We have agreed as a group to not allow back-chat of any kind if we are to be effective in what we have set out to accomplish so we all know that support is support and this is where we can sort out our egos so that we can be self-directive in self-honesty in every moment.

I am in the process of trusting myself within self-honesty and trusting my common sense through self-corrective application moment by moment. If I make a mistake, It is like a missed a take and I take 2 or 3 or 4 until I live self trust so when the same point presents itself I live the correction forevermore.

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