Self Responsibility and Self Will

Last night I was awoken by the sound of my cat vigorously scratching at my bedroom door, she hasn't done this for awhile. For the past year I can't sleep well and since I am not able sleep I get out of bed go into the living room and spend time petting my cats, they must be getting used to it.

Just when she stopped her 'bad habit' of scratching at the door, I went and created a pattern for her and so now she expects 'petting attention' at night. When I heard her scratching, I hopped out of bed annoyed. I had just started to fall to sleep, I knew it would be hell to pay trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again. On my way over to the door to put up the 'cat gate' I stubbed my right pinky toe really hard on a book that was on the floor and it hurt like hell. The pain got me out of my mind for a moment and into and as the physical - once it stopped throbbing, I fussed in my back-chat a bit about her scratching causing me to wake up and also about how much my toe hurt and I moved the book out of the way in an angry fashion - - Back-Chat "Dang it! This is the second time I injured myself on that stupid book."

The thing is I did nothing to support myself to stop the extensive fear and anxiety that always keeps me up at night, this has led me to be unable to sleep and also as a side note - I have had a sore jaw and teeth the past two days because I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep which directly relates to anxiety. I have not effectively dealt with my 'pressing issues' instead of moving myself and directing myself to do what I must do to no longer exist as this diminished mess, I went and defined myself as an insomniac - period. And because I did not take responsibility for the anxiety and fear, I wake up at night and I have changed my cats behavior and she now has newly found expectation of me. It is not her fault after all I trained her that I would pet her all hours of the night. I like petting my cats but I also enjoy rest.

I have hurt my ankle on that same book before and I knew that it was placed in a spot that could eventually cause me to stub my toe, trip or ever sprain my ankle on it again. I never moved the book, I left it there because it isn't my book, I thought about moving that book many times, but I used the excuse that it was not my responsibility - which I see now is the ego and stubbornness - also I see that it was me not taking full responsibility for all that exists and still have separation when it comes to responsibility.

In an instant of pain and back-chat a point presented itself. I took in a deep breath and stopped my participation in the back-chat. I realized when I laid back down that it was uncalled for and self dishonest for me to get so upset and for taking out my anger on an innocent book

The point that is here is my abdication of self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my cat for waking me up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to back-chat annoyance toward my cat because of how I experienced myself because I was not standing up within myself to correct my sleep through taking responsibility for the fear and anxiety I have accepted myself to exist as

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become anger and taking it out on a book rather then dealing with the anger through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self responsibility through correcting myself in every moment to no longer exist as anger, fear and anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to fear, anxiety and anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have anxiety about change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and abuse myself through self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself

I forgive myself for not taking responsibly for myself through creating time loops by accepting back-chat of self judgement thus causing myself to lose my belief in myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call a book stupid when really I was projecting how I experienced myself for not taking responsibility and moving the book to a more appropriate place

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and go into self judgement instead of correcting my behavior through taking responsibility for all that is here as self

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some things are not my responsibility but the responsibly of others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my body through accepting and allowing myself to suppress points I am not willing to face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately cause time loops and procrastinate so that I will not have to take self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am this fear and anxiety and that is all I will ever be

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being courageous and living one and equal to courage

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about who I will be without a definition of myself as fear and anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear and anxiety to manipulate myself and others so I will not have to be self responsible and face points I have defined as difficult

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about ways to be self responsible rather then just doing it physically here in the moment without a thought feeling or emotion simply me moving myself supporting and directing myself as self responsibility

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an insomniac

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less then a thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than ego

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than stubbornness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anxiety

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to self judgement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to insecurity

I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to diminish myself to inferiority

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and project my fears onto others

Ok so what I will do to correct myself in real time if this type of event takes place again --

I will do what needs to be done in the moment instead of redirecting responsibility to another in my mind I will take responsibility for what needs to be done.

I will not think about who's responsibility it is, I will direct myself in the moment to change and do what must be done to be most effective and practical

I will not accept or allow myself to create back chat I will breath stop participation and simply work with what is here

I will not accept or allow myself to suppress myself I will direct myself to write and physically change and walk through resistances in real time

I will stabilize myself through physically working and not accepting myself to excuse myself from my self responsibility

I allow myself to accept that I will make mistakes sometimes and I will not accept or allow myself to be hard on myself and judge myself rather I can just laugh at myself and keep walking

I accept myself unconditionally, I direct myself, I take responsibility for myself and do what is best for all, I love myself unconditionally, I care for myself unconditionally, I move, I express, I breathe

The accumulation effect to get the total sum of and as Equality

Ok - My stomach is growling and I just ate lunch a few hours ago - people starve for days on end it is in fact horrific what we have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.

So I have been walking a point for sometime and I have been walking it for such a long time because I was conflicted about making a solid decision and being very concerned if it was the accumulation effect as what is best for all in actuality or was I just walking my pre-programming because it's the same type of pattern that I have lived over and over again in the past.

I realise I am being quite vague lol! I have to be at the moment, I will surely break down all of the walls more then likely sooner than later to give you a better grasp of what it is that I am facing -- Ultimately - myself.

I have asked myself somewhat relentlessly this same question over and over and this is my self-honesty -- Who am I and why am I unable to make a direct decision and stick to it? Why am I conflicted is this a back-chat fire missile attack? Am I really just a total fuck up? These questions keep me up at night, I haven't had a decent nights rest in over a year now. It is always the same things brewing back and forth shame, regret, sorry, depression, sadness - emotional irrelevant bullshit basically.

I placed myself in a difficult dilemma. What I truly believe in and want is 'World Equality' what is best for all. In order for me to do everything I must do to do this effectively and in a timely manner is be selfish 'now' to eventually accumulate what is best for all - on the other hand I could remain in the same position doing what is best for some, which I will never be satisfied with, I could not live with myself and I won't be expressing myself how I would like to express myself. Although it would make others quite happy and content, that is my basic programming pushing myself aside to make sure others are happy, some that read this may not agree but that is how I experience it.

I can see the basic moral point that has presented itself here where the system say's 'Deedra you know what you are doing is totally wrong and fucked up, there is a consequence for this type of behavior'. I mean hey, it may cause problems for me down the road but I can't self-honestly base a decision on a future projection.

I must apply myself and utilize breath and let self honesty be my guide and apply common sense and stop back-chat and take full responsibly for what is here.

I see how back-chat is like a military weapon -- it's fucking crazy and who created it none other than yours truly.

I have tools that work to prevent such attacks from causing any major disaster - self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-directive statements and self-corrective application.

I have a few some more things to write out in a mind construct on a particular individual in my world and place it on paper. This has all been in my mind for such a long time it's me tormenting myself and I no longer accept or allow myself to make this harder than it has to be.

Sometimes we have to do what is best for self first to accumulate what is best for all as self equal and one.

The Interviewer Personality

I've have been spending quite a bit of time exposing my secret mind and now my back-chat with a really cool individual. (X) brought to my attention an observation (X) noticed about me, (X) said "You like to interview people" "I noticed it at the table when you were talking to (Y) and then to (Z) -- He said "I was like, lol! She's interviewing them with questions she has, but making it look so innocent, questions she has asked herself but asking others to get a different point of view, or something she's working with. He said "I only see it because you have shared so much". I thought to myself - Moi?

The implications of sharing myself unconditionally is self responsibly and accountability to myself as my words, actions and deeds - The point when sharing unconditionally with another as myself is that others see things that sometimes are not as apparent for me to recognize because I am it.

I can not trick people and remain self dishonest because I trapped myself and this is cool because it's my test to myself - Who am I in every moment? self-dishonest or self-honest?

It was supportive for me to hear. Now that we are sharing back-chat it is very interesting and revealing and many times my back chat is the opposite of what (X) is experiencing. It has be fun and fascinating to face myself in this way and any judgement that may come up we are able to forgive ourselves immediately, unconditionally and not accept bullshit from each other because to accept it in another is to accept and allow it in self, this is not acceptable nor is it supportive so we've agreed not to judge each other, react or take anything we say to each other personally. It is getting quite interesting, fascinating and fun.

I like to interview people because it is fun and interesting and I am getting a feel for the other person. I suppose I interview people because it takes the spot light off of me and it is my way of gauging when people are lying so it's quite manipulative and deceptive for me to go about getting straight answers in this way, rather then just asking direct basing my questioning on the starting point of and as self. When I am around people walking process it's great because we can openly share and walk points equal and one and get to the core and be self-honest and straight up. We laugh it off and laugh out our suppressions because many times the back-chats are actually believe it or not funny and sharing them has been a way to develop self intimacy.

Mother Envy

Today when looking at photos of a friend and her family I became sad and a bit jealous because I know I won't be having children of my own in this 'life' and I won't experience what it is to be a mother - So I am here to further investigate this point and consider why I have experienced this reaction within me. It is as if I have been programmed to want a child or children irregardless of all common sense. I have even asked some men if they get a male version of 'the clock ticking'? One gentleman said it was more about passing on the family name but even still that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, I mean you can have a child with your same last name and same blood line but who cares if they have to grow up in an environment where life is not valued

as all as one as equal.

Emotions of any kind are not real such as sadness for example I mean it is simply a system designed to further enslave. Bringing a child into the world as it is today is self dishonest because the starting point is selfishness. If I were to manipulate myself through using sadness or envy as an excuse to become a 'mother' it would only benefit the ego of the mind. This is obviously not what is best for all, not what is best for any child, bringing a child into a world where they would not be considered equal is abusive so sadness is invalidated by the simple common sense equation 1+1=2

A lady I spoke with the other day said to me that it is crazy not to want a child because it is the greatest love one can 'feel' in this world and is an unexplainable joyful experience. She said after all my child could become the next president of the United States and change the world. I asked her why would anyone want to leave that kind of responsibly up to someone else? We are here right now in this world and capable of changing ourselves and the world. Clinging to hope, hope that a child may possibly one day change things for the rest of us is totally and completely insane. Unfortunately self responsibility is rarely if ever considered.

I overheard a man in the army speaking with his buddy and he said to him "I'm thinking of getting married and having a child so that I can get more money back on my taxes" His friend said "NO! don't get married because if you get a divorce you'll have to fight for what is yours" lol! I butted in and said to him, "Man, did you hear what you just said? Do you realize the responsibility of bringing a child into the world? Do you even know what that child may have to go through? Would you actually go that far for a tax break, I mean really?" I suggested to him rather spend that time and effort on changing the money system so that all life is supported unconditionally, so that people can not use and manipulate with other peoples - LIVES - to survive. He said well when you put it that way I guess your right. I do not want to be right at all, I just wanted him to see and hear what it is that he would be manifesting for someone 'else' 'someone' that could not speak for themselves. The money system as it is, is manifesting insanity or is the money system as it is today a manifestation of insanity? Either way it has got to stop.

Throughout my life I didn't see the sense in having children. Maybe my clock just ticked later then most women but if I just look around I would NOT want to come here to a place where I would not be taken care of unconditionally, a place where my forefathers did not give a flying fuck about life, I sometimes wondered why my mom did not consider this basic point, I guess because she was programmed but maybe it is also about survival, just programming it is the way most women have been hard wired. It was and still is to many considered part of life "Part of life what an interesting thing to say?"

I am doing something to change myself and to change the world. So I'm glad I was born haha!

It is simply not my role in this life to be a mother - It is however my role to do what is best for all and to do everything I am able to, to bring about an equal money system and a world of equality so that any child born can live a life of dignity and respect, equally as all, so that no children are voiceless and no child is without a mother because all consider all equally and support their neighbor and do unto others as they would like to have done unto them. I will not be a mother no I won't and it is ok because I have other things I require to do and I will not stop - I stand for all as one as equal as life within and as breath here in every moment.

Children will all be 'mothered' by all in and equal world, there will be no motherless child and not childless mother because we can all care for one another as equals!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad that I won't be a mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself what if's..

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become envious of something that does not support all life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to people that have children

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfish thoughts of wonder as what it would be like to have the love a child has for their mother and a mother for their child

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from love and think that love is something that can be achieved through child birth and becoming a mother - love is an expression of who I am as equality here in every moment doing what is best for all and not stopping til it is here in fact.

I'm aware that there is more for me to write about regarding this particular topic and I will continue to share as things come up.

Thanks for reading

Enjoy the silence

I just got back to my desk from having lunch with a co-worker - he is sitting next to me now humming - he says "it is too quiet in here" I did not respond. I hear the air conditioner and my fingers hitting the keys of my keyboard and his hitting his. We did not speak much during lunch, I no longer feel compelled to fill silence with words in an attempt to avoid self intimacy. I just breathed and focused on the way the food felt in my mouth. There were moments where I almost said something but nothing was here to speak I would have said something meaningless e.g., talk about the weather in an attempt to be 'polite' -I used to think it was awkward not to speak now I find it self dishonest to speak when I have nothing real to speak about.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel awkward being silent sitting next to another person

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the person sitting with me might think I was awkward for not speaking up

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think for a moment of what to say in order to get to a point of comfortability

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable being here silent with another

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self intimacy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into morality about what is right and wrong with regards to speaking.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is impolite not to engage in conversation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the world polite and not realise that being polite is based in morality and varies and not only does it vary it has no real meaning and it just a fake face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat

I breathed chewed and drank. I'm grateful I have access to food and water... It seemed as though we have absolutely nothing in common and it was just best to remain silent I breathed stopped thoughts and did my best to remain here silent within and without - enjoying my sandwich and water.

We actually do have a lot in common, I have something in common with all that exists but at work speaking about common sense and equality points are considered unprofessional. The equal money topic is considered perverse to some, mostly the ones with money. The people I speak openly with about equal money are the ones, just getting by, how limited - I can look at myself in the eyes of 'another' and not openly share and speak on what is important in this world because of the money system we have tacitly agreed upon.

When we have an equal monetary system in place things will be different, people will be different, more conversations will have actual meaning and there may even be more silence but real silence the silence of and as ourselves equal and one.

Polite - living as principle, what is best for all in every moment here as breath

Pain 3

No, my dog did NOT eat my homework....

Neck, middle upper back and shoulders - Maybe it is my pillow - I doubt it.

My neck, upper back and shoulders have been hurting for a least two weeks and it hurts quite a bit but I wasn't giving it too much attention, I wasn't giving mySelf attention and then one day, I was agitated by the pain like 'fuck, How come I still have all this pain?' My neck back and shoulders have been bothering me and I haven't made a point to investigate why this is happening or how it relates to me in process nor did I look at Veno's Structural resonance documents that are always supportive and revealing.

I wasn't able to sleep - I remember now that I was having fear thoughts related to my grandmother dying. I've noticed a pattern of having occasional thoughts of people dying and worrying about the future. We are all going to die so I am not sure why I've been afraid of death or the death of others, these thoughts could be related to regret. I haven't my grandmother much lately because I have been stubborn regarding family in general I have been hiding and not taking self responsibility. I've been working on a mind construct on a family member and it has been a 'pain in the neck' so to speak and what happens when I work on it is that my eyes get extremely heavy it is like they want to shut, literally I feel them falling as if I have to go to sleep right then and there.

This is a clear indication that Mind Constructs are effective and supportive within revealing patterns and system manifestations for me to self forgive within and as self honesty and correct myself once and for all and never allow myself to participate in those points again because it is not what is best for all and does not support me - The mind consciousness system does not compute.

The other day I was working on a mind construct with my SRA buddy and I did not give it my all nor did I pay close attention to detail. (the dEVILs in the details) I changed something in my mind construct that we previously agreed would work best, such as placing points in certain, particular ways. I was finishing it up alone and I questioned myself whether or not I was doing it right 'but wait this sounds weird' although I ignored the point to further investigate and I did not take the time to properly complete my work. Glancing at it briefly I changed it to how I wanted it to be instead of how it should have been done.

When I met on chat with her she asked why I changed it, I had no excuse - I told her I do not know why. I did not apply myself entirely within the written work that was required to be done. I took a short cut and did not consider the implications of what I had done. I was actually happy with what I did until she told me it was incorrect and that I required to to it again on my own time. I was mad at myself because I knew what I had done and there was no one to point the finger at but myself. I did not tell her I was sorry even though I should have because I wasted her time, she seemed disappointed and kind of mad about it and it is understandable if she was, but I may have read her wrong. It was kind of like when I was young I would do something half heartedly and then get in trouble for it but back then I would blame the other person instead of taking responsibility for my irresponsible behavior and my accepted and allowed participation in the idea of being inferior to 'paper work/school work'

My buddy took time and effort to share pointers with me, tips and even gave me a full example over chat. My buddy is swamped with work and I am also busy so through me accepting and allowing self dishonesty and not taking an extra five to ten minutes to truly study and double check my work within and as specificity I wasted both of our time - with so much to be done we do not have time to waste.

I have also allowed myself to wait until the last day before SRA chat to complete my assignmentand I have also noticed doing it my way which is unacceptable and not what is best for all, no wonder is been so difficult for me to grasp - I was not sure what exactly I was resisting with regards to SRA work but it is like all of my programming and accepted and allowed self dishonesty is coming out in ways I could not fathom.

So I will use this as a supportive example of what NOT to do, here in this breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a failure of myself through accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I am inferior to book/school work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in polarity manifestations of the mind winner/failure - superior/inferior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste the time of others because I was selfish and did not consider the consequence and outflow of doing things in an incomplete manner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to immediately think thoughts of inferiority when my buddy told me I needed to do the assignment on my own

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to into sadness when she told me that and think about memories and try to in my mind justify why I accept limitation of and as myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self manipulation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the idea that I won't ever be able to resolve my 'family' issues

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think believe and perceive that I am inferior to anything that takes a lot of discipline

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, believe and perceieve that I am inferior to understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of relationships that I have formed through and as separation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the death of myself as personality and the personality I have created with regards to relationships, because I realize that if I no longer act according to how others expect me to act I won't be regarded the same way I always had

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be spiteful through accepting and allowing myself to participate in limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself through accepting an idea of limitation to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsibility for myself and the work that I do by and through completing my work within and as specificity every single time and not accepting anything less then who I really am and what I am capable of

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the idea of fear that my buddy is mad at me to go into inferiority

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here and miss points because I was not present

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do my SRA assignments my way and not the way that works and is best for all

If I experience resistance toward SRA assignments, I apply sf, simply breathe, drink water, speak self corrective statements and will myself to continue with my responsibility

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as separation

I no longer accept or allow myself to give up and give in to the mind

I no longer accept or allow myself to manipulate myself

I no longer accept or allow myself to exist as limitation and fear

-I do not know if this at all relates to neck, shoulder or back pain but writing today opened up many points I required to face and correct and I am grateful for being able to write myself to freedom.