I just got back to my desk from having lunch with a co-worker - he is sitting next to me now humming - he says "it is too quiet in here" I did not respond. I hear the air conditioner and my fingers hitting the keys of my keyboard and his hitting his. We did not speak much during lunch, I no longer feel compelled to fill silence with words in an attempt to avoid self intimacy. I just breathed and focused on the way the food felt in my mouth. There were moments where I almost said something but nothing was here to speak I would have said something meaningless e.g., talk about the weather in an attempt to be 'polite' -I used to think it was awkward not to speak now I find it self dishonest to speak when I have nothing real to speak about.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to feel awkward being silent sitting next to another person
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that the person sitting with me might think I was awkward for not speaking up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think for a moment of what to say in order to get to a point of comfortability
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable being here silent with another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self intimacy
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into morality about what is right and wrong with regards to speaking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that it is impolite not to engage in conversation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to the world polite and not realise that being polite is based in morality and varies and not only does it vary it has no real meaning and it just a fake face
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing back chat
I breathed chewed and drank. I'm grateful I have access to food and water... It seemed as though we have absolutely nothing in common and it was just best to remain silent I breathed stopped thoughts and did my best to remain here silent within and without - enjoying my sandwich and water.
We actually do have a lot in common, I have something in common with all that exists but at work speaking about common sense and equality points are considered unprofessional. The equal money topic is considered perverse to some, mostly the ones with money. The people I speak openly with about equal money are the ones, just getting by, how limited - I can look at myself in the eyes of 'another' and not openly share and speak on what is important in this world because of the money system we have tacitly agreed upon.
When we have an equal monetary system in place things will be different, people will be different, more conversations will have actual meaning and there may even be more silence but real silence the silence of and as ourselves equal and one.
Polite - living as principle, what is best for all in every moment here as breath