Last night I was awoken by the sound of my cat vigorously scratching at my bedroom door, she hasn't done this for awhile. For the past year I can't sleep well and since I am not able sleep I get out of bed go into the living room and spend time petting my cats, they must be getting used to it.
Just when she stopped her 'bad habit' of scratching at the door, I went and created a pattern for her and so now she expects 'petting attention' at night. When I heard her scratching, I hopped out of bed annoyed. I had just started to fall to sleep, I knew it would be hell to pay trying to get comfortable enough to sleep again. On my way over to the door to put up the 'cat gate' I stubbed my right pinky toe really hard on a book that was on the floor and it hurt like hell. The pain got me out of my mind for a moment and into and as the physical - once it stopped throbbing, I fussed in my back-chat a bit about her scratching causing me to wake up and also about how much my toe hurt and I moved the book out of the way in an angry fashion - - Back-Chat "Dang it! This is the second time I injured myself on that stupid book."
The thing is I did nothing to support myself to stop the extensive fear and anxiety that always keeps me up at night, this has led me to be unable to sleep and also as a side note - I have had a sore jaw and teeth the past two days because I have been grinding my teeth in my sleep which directly relates to anxiety. I have not effectively dealt with my 'pressing issues' instead of moving myself and directing myself to do what I must do to no longer exist as this diminished mess, I went and defined myself as an insomniac - period. And because I did not take responsibility for the anxiety and fear, I wake up at night and I have changed my cats behavior and she now has newly found expectation of me. It is not her fault after all I trained her that I would pet her all hours of the night. I like petting my cats but I also enjoy rest.
I have hurt my ankle on that same book before and I knew that it was placed in a spot that could eventually cause me to stub my toe, trip or ever sprain my ankle on it again. I never moved the book, I left it there because it isn't my book, I thought about moving that book many times, but I used the excuse that it was not my responsibility - which I see now is the ego and stubbornness - also I see that it was me not taking full responsibility for all that exists and still have separation when it comes to responsibility.
In an instant of pain and back-chat a point presented itself. I took in a deep breath and stopped my participation in the back-chat. I realized when I laid back down that it was uncalled for and self dishonest for me to get so upset and for taking out my anger on an innocent book
The point that is here is my abdication of self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my cat for waking me up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to back-chat annoyance toward my cat because of how I experienced myself because I was not standing up within myself to correct my sleep through taking responsibility for the fear and anxiety I have accepted myself to exist as
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to fear and anxiety
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become anger and taking it out on a book rather then dealing with the anger through writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self responsibility through correcting myself in every moment to no longer exist as anger, fear and anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to fear, anxiety and anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear living
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have anxiety about change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself and abuse myself through self judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for not taking responsibly for myself through creating time loops by accepting back-chat of self judgement thus causing myself to lose my belief in myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self abuse
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to call a book stupid when really I was projecting how I experienced myself for not taking responsibility and moving the book to a more appropriate place
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as stupid and go into self judgement instead of correcting my behavior through taking responsibility for all that is here as self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that some things are not my responsibility but the responsibly of others
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hurt my body through accepting and allowing myself to suppress points I am not willing to face
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deliberately cause time loops and procrastinate so that I will not have to take self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be enslaved to fear and anxiety
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am this fear and anxiety and that is all I will ever be
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being courageous and living one and equal to courage
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be fearful about who I will be without a definition of myself as fear and anxiety
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use fear and anxiety to manipulate myself and others so I will not have to be self responsible and face points I have defined as difficult
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about ways to be self responsible rather then just doing it physically here in the moment without a thought feeling or emotion simply me moving myself supporting and directing myself as self responsibility
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as an insomniac
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less then a thought
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than ego
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than stubbornness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than anxiety
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to less than fear
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to self judgement
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to diminish myself to insecurity
I forgive myself for accept and allowing myself to diminish myself to inferiority
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others and project my fears onto others
Ok so what I will do to correct myself in real time if this type of event takes place again --
I will do what needs to be done in the moment instead of redirecting responsibility to another in my mind I will take responsibility for what needs to be done.
I will not think about who's responsibility it is, I will direct myself in the moment to change and do what must be done to be most effective and practical
I will not accept or allow myself to create back chat I will breath stop participation and simply work with what is here
I will not accept or allow myself to suppress myself I will direct myself to write and physically change and walk through resistances in real time
I will stabilize myself through physically working and not accepting myself to excuse myself from my self responsibility
I allow myself to accept that I will make mistakes sometimes and I will not accept or allow myself to be hard on myself and judge myself rather I can just laugh at myself and keep walking
I accept myself unconditionally, I direct myself, I take responsibility for myself and do what is best for all, I love myself unconditionally, I care for myself unconditionally, I move, I express, I breathe
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