Mountain Out Of A Mole Hill

It's weird this experience of myself, it is as though I have a ton to write about and work through but also at the same time I'm angry and bottled up, every point seems overwhelming. I have allowed myself to suppress myself for the past week - It is like a storm is furiously moving around me and due to not blogging consistantly I've managed to make a mountain out of a Mole hill.

breath by breath, point by point, moment by moment. here...

First - Breath... Slow down.... Breath... I am here.

First point to work with, This is when I noticed I suppressed myself - SRA - Things have changed in SRA and I reacted to the changes - I was looking forward (future projection) to speaking with the resonances and also I experienced a bit of inferiority and feeling like a failure. I do realize that working on mind constructs for an additional 6 months is best for all and the truth is, I was not confident in my mind construct capabilities. I was glad I got through a few but over all I was not 100% confident I could walk them with another within confidence and support and assist within specificity- I figured over time somehow 'magically' maybe, I would figure it out.

So bringing everything back to self is supportive for me to further explore my reactions and why I reacted in the first place.

I felt sad and memories came up of when I attended school and I failed or was not able to get the work done effectively because I got behind and once I was behind I just totally gave up because I was not able to do it perfectly and I feared asking for help because I did not want to look dumb so I opted not to do it at all, I just gave up on myself. I was fearful of the judgement of others so rather then do the work and be graded 'fairly', I could just say ah well if I really wanted to try I could have easily made an A - Too bad for them! Haha... O' Gee, Whata Doozy. Who was I kidding? Just me... It's always that way isn't it?

I came up with the self definition that I am not good enough & inferior and now the self definition came back up rather quickly and clearly when hearing Bernard's videos. I immediately felt upset that I didn't do more when I had the chance and that I did not study effectively and If I had I would not have to be punished. Within common sense I realise that this is not punishment at all and is what is best for all. Irregardless of the fact that I was fully aware of this decision being in the best interest of all, I still wanted it my way - and so rebellious thoughts ensued.

Muscle communication was quite simple for me. I was very proud of myself, I mean there was a 'learning curve' of course and Andrea is a great instructor. I am confident about it so to hear we won't be using muscle communication as much made me feel shitty because the thing that I was actually 'good' at, we won't be using much or at all anymore and the thing I am 'bad' at mind constructs we will be doing much more of.

Fear of failure is rearing it's head and disappointment in myself that I just can't get things right, and I can't get it together - When people go left I always seem to be going right just when I think I'm on track I get pushed off the track all over again. I just want to go with the flow...

I'm disappointed in myself and also frustrated because I can't get my bank to cooperate with me when making online payments for my SRA Course and every time I try to make a payment the charges are flagged as fraud so it's been delaying my payment, it is not that I intended them to be late. So now my payments were not made consistently and I fear that people at the farm will think I'm incompetent and unreliable and I don't want that.

What is the matter with me? I don't know if people are faking it or if they 'get it' sometimes I wonder if I am smart enough to get this done specifically and effectively.

I STOP

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to embrace change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project my experience of incompetence and unreliability onto others

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take on the belief that I am incompetent and unreliable

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to take full responsiblity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to speak to my resonances and see it as a reward for doing my SRA work on time and well.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've been punished because I know that the resonances give me usual support and a cool prespective on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on my resonances for guidance

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am incompetent, unreliable, and ineffective in the projects and lessons I take responsibly for and commit to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself and seek an outlet so that I can blame beings for how I have allowed myself to experience me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like I've failed and that I'm being punished

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to rebel because of perceived punishment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my ability with muscle communication as good and give a positive value to my ability within muscle communication

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it is someones fault why I won't be able to use muscle communication as much

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry and frustrated with myself, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have defined myself as a failure

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a self belief that I am a failure, unreliable, irresponsible, inadequate, incompetent, and unintelligent

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to others in process and as inferior to my SRA lessons

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to know what is best for all but still within allow myself to go into anger because things won't work out the way I planned them to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist change and changes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the future and because of this try to control it through creating future projections and create outcomes in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in mind chatter

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value on thoughts, ideas, future projections, self judgement, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress what I was experiencing because I don't want to look like I'm whining or not participating effectively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide myself and my process from others to be perceived as doing well and failing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being noticed

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realise the self dishonesty I exist as if I allow myself to manipulate myself to the point that I blind myself from what is here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing self limitation

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am these definitions I have created of and as myself and that it is all I will ever be or ever be able to accomplish

I forgive myself for not accepting and allow myself to act in the best interest of all and for not remaining stable here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in my mind when listening to videos and react because I am in a state of energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as a student that fails and so when things change or happen I immediately react and become that child again that is fearful to ask questions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resent that I was doing well at something that we are now not going to be utilizing as much or at all anymore

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want someone to blame for why I have limited myself so extensively

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into tiredness or sleepiness and use excuses in my secret mind as to why I should not write about this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the excuse within myself that because Andrew spoke on this topic that was enough and if I were to write it out for myself that it was like beating a dead horse and who wants to hear about it anyway

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anything less then who I really am

Blogging

So I am here to write - I just stopped myself from thinking about blogging and thinking about a topic to blog about. For the past hour I was worring - shit, in my mind - fuck what am I going to do? I need to blog... I made a commitment to blogging and I have to blog, but what about? I don't have anything of importance to share I don't have a new and exciting insight or profound understanding of anything at all - So what! I don't have to I am here to support myself within and as writing and sharing and getting things out that are in this mind of mine so that I can correct myself and so I do not stay in the mind. This tricky mind as me I tell you its very quick and things creep in fast sometimes so this is cool support writing this out because I know that I was not breathing effectively and I'm still letting a lot of time go by before I realise I was not present and I was not here within and as the physical when I breath I slow myself down I slow everything down and I am an effective being. So yes this is what is here with me, I was like oh shucks im so busy, im reading, writing, working on SRA, watching vlogs and reading blogs... busy busy busy... Blah

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what to blog about

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think of something important to say so I will impress people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stuck in the mind as energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think rather then act.

I am here - I write - I support myself - I stand equal to and as commitment

Further Self Investigation

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xTjIzzbXTQ

I was with my mom and nephew all day yesterday and I've finally come to realize some things that are quite obvious although I didn't notice these points before because as I stated in an earlier blog -I just did not want to let go, I did not want to realize, I did not want to change, I was fearful of losing her, I was afraid to let go of an idea about a mother, daughter relationship, the idea that I was special to someone and someone was special to me. I was addicted to the energy exchange between us, even though I realized the abuse it caused, I was still allowing myself to participate within it.

I can not and will not change my mother. I can only change myself and be a living example of change - this is the only way I can support mySELF unconditionally. She may go on judging, manipulating, fearing and worrying. I can not stop her this is all she knows and how she's programmed herself and how her mother programmed her because that is all her mother knew and the cycle just recycled and continued - if I hadn't come across Desteni, I could just about guarantee that I would have done the same exact thing with my children if I had had children.

Human beings are programmed and exist in cycles as energy swinging back and forth from positive to negative energetic charges repeatedly, just like a magnetic pendulum swaying back and forth, never getting anywhere just the perception of change because there is movement but it is not self movement it is self enslavement, eternal fuckedness, stuckness between the two polarities - positive and negative, this is what I was doing with her all my life.

I do not blame her anymore, I stop participating within these cycles, I no longer accept or allow myself to participate within programming and relationships that are of the mind. When we were together yesterday, I realised that I was not reacting at all and within a moment also realised that I can not change her and that my starting point within wanting to change her is self dishonest. I wasn't aware of wanting to change her until now that I have opened up this point unconditionally within and as self honesty. If she is going to change she will do it for herself by herself. It was quite egotistical of me to want to change her and a projection to want to change someone in the first place.

I can be quite stubborn and it is self dishonest for me to be stubborn most of the time because it is coming from a point of blame or wanting to win. So within me seeking my mothers approval or seeking to see a change in her or wanting there to be an agreement between us before I would be willing to direct myself is simply self dishonest. Within reacting to these points I showed myself that I am limited to these points for example manipulation, blame, self judgement, fear, patterns. So I correct myself and stop reacting, because I see it for what it is and it is not real and not supportive to me or anyone for that matter and definitely not what is best for all. So all in all, I don't have to wait for my mom to stop judging or wait for her to stop manipulating - I will just remain here breathe and support mySELF within breath - I stop reacting because it is not what is best for all. I don't have to place value on her or myself - I stand equal to and as her and breathe and direct mySELF -I let go unconditionally of this relationship and I stop agreeing to participate within it. Till here no further - I walk the correction. I stand. I am here. I am stable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to change my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want my mother to change and for not realising I was the one that required to change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have feared change

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to let go of this idea immediately and the illusion because I was selfish and desired to be special

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be selfish

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to her

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be stubborn and want to win

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by energy +/-

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be self honest about my participation within this relationship and for not taking responsibility by and through investigating this point fully immediately and for not writing about it until I was clear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate and find other things to keep me busy, so I would not have to face this point because I feared being vulnerable and letting go unconditionally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let fear of loss control me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as regret and shame

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be in separation with my mother because I formed a relationship within my mind about what and who she is in relation to me

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to real-IS-e that I can only lose that which I am in separation with

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for what I experienced

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make an experience of the mind real

I forgive myself for not realising the support she was giving me as a mirror reflection of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to direct myself and correct myself even though I knew I needed to further investigate this point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself on the back burner

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain within stuckness, fuckedness so that I would not have to change, I would not have to let go, I would not have to stand up and take full responsibility for the mess and separation I allowed and created

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self abusive and abuse life because of my accepted and allowed self illusions, and delusions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to love my mother more then anyone and for not standing equal to and as love as an expression of me as who I am as life equal and one

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to move myself and direct myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to expect my mother to act or be a certain way for for acting a certain particular way so that she will be satisfied with me

I forgive myself for disregarding the physical reality by and through participating within mind relationships

Self Expression

I always looked for ways to express myself and curious how to express myself. What is self expression anyway? I realize now that I limited self expression to an idea that talent and self expression are synonymous. I'd ask myself why are some people talented and others not? Is what I'm interpreting as self expression really self expression at all? I wanted to be comfortable with myself and accept myself unconditionally to trust myself to be 'great' at something, anything. I observed others with a bit of wonder and some jealously because I guess I didn't know just how to be talented, I just wanted an outlet to express myself. If talents are a gift, gifts weren't being handed out when I was born. Watching people dance professionally, hearing song birds sing, seeing art that artists create with simplicity, ease and perfection -I mean it is amazing also those who write or write poetry and even people who can act and some people are amazing at sports, I also enjoyed hearing speeches by people who are articulate and charismatic.

I wanted to be talented damn it! LOL! Why? Well that Is because I always judged people with 'talents' such as some of the few I mentioned above as special and gifted and maybe it was a gift from God. How come God didn't give me a fucking talent or a gift like he did others, so that I would also be able to express myself. I couldn't understand how assholes or mean people could be gifted with talents. Now thats not right? I would think I'm not as much of a jerk as they are - it did not make sense. God must be aware of something that I'm not. Maybe I didn't get a gift or talent because I was bad and didn't deserve it, I just always felt inferior to others in that way.

When I began to study the bible, I was good at it and so I thought that was my 'niche' my calling so to speak and that is what made me special... What a mind fuck.

I've come to realize that I was completely disillusioned about self expression all together and also a lot of talent is learned and goes hand in hand with how much money a person has access to. Some people are 'naturals' rather pre-programmed and some never get a chance to reach their full potential because they don't have the money to buy the supplies or pay for the lessons they require to be as great as they could be and some wind up defining themselves by their talents and then limit themselves within the self definition so it's really not self expression because it can be limiting.

I was kind of jealous of people that had money because when I was growing up we didn't have a lot of extra money, we had money but it was in short supply, we had the basics and I know my parents couldn't afford to have me take music lessons, or dance class, I didn't ask most of the time. I didn't really want to hurt them by asking them for something I knew they wouldn't be able to afford, besides I was fine over all, I just didnt get to indulge in what I thought to be self expression - but I had food and clothes the basics. As I write this I'm still a bit confused if that is what happened or if I was just thinking I did that in an attempt to protect them, maybe I'm imagining things? Well there is some fear lingering within me that my mom might read this and feel hurt I'm saying all of this, but also maybe I'm whining too, because I shouldn't be comparing myself to others anyway and the truth is I'm much better off then most beings in this world. I'm actually one of the elite which is crazy and sad because even still we are all so limited.

I have heard many people call kids in band nerdy, I think it may have been jealousy coming forth because maybe they don't have the money the kids with parents that could afford instruments had and so because they felt inferior they projected the opposite polarity superiority. Secretly I wanted to be in band or have voice lessons, or go to dance class and learn how to dance like a real professional, or even get really good at a sport something you know?

Well after all these years and after finding Desteni and within walking my process, I am now at a point where I see how much bullshit I've allowed and also that my starting point in wanting to be talented was about being superior and I wanted to be better then others at something to rub my own ego.

I realise that self expression is who I am here within and as self honesty doing what is best for all, no matter what I do if I write a song, sing, dance, breathe, play, work, share, write, listen, draw etcetera within the starting point of what is best for all 'equality' then I don't have to be the best at any one thing, I just do what is best for all in every moment and I express myself within this, lately I have noticed that my self expression is emerging and it is not based on talent at all, it's just me expressing me here and doing what is best for all it is this simple. Trying to express myself and comparing myself to others is self dishonest and I would have never be able to express myself in that way. In an equal money system there won't be winners and losers the way there are now - things will be equal and people will have more time to do things they enjoy and share oneself unconditionally and will be able to lift the vail and see one another for real as equals - This is cool and is why I will do what is best for all and how come I support an equal money system as a common sense solution that is best for all. Just imagine for a moment equality, real equality every dimension of the word even standing equal to and as the word equality. What does this imply it implies heaven on earth, a place where we can be proud to bring a child into this world so that all can live a life of dignity and actually live and enjoy real self expression here within and as breath.

Well I looked closer into my dream - The most memorable part in the dream was that all of them had velvet suits in the same material/fabric but different designs. So I think the same material may represent family systems and the differences are personalities or maybe ideas I have about them. I will re-watch the process support videos regarding itching because I do have a bit of a itching on occasion I did MC on this point a while back and what tested out was 'sister' or something very close to sister. I have done a mind construct and also written self forgiveness regarding my sister and so I feel I have exhausted this point but here again I am clearly communicating with myself within this dream to take a closer look because apparently I have suppressed myself in some way as I can see by my reaction to my sister looking at me in the eyes and then me looking down. I looked down in a shameful way and also briefly I compared myself to her - I compared our bodies. A point I forgot to mention is that my mother and nephew were positioned in between my sister and I and she has said that to me before 'in real life' - that she felt caught in the middle of us. I was upset that she felt that way because I do not want her to choose sides - it is what it is- maybe I've been acting too busy to really settle this point once and for all because it is still stirring around in the background. Also I was shopping for tools and the lady suggested I use and old remedy -tar? To put on the wound maybe that is a reflection of how I suppressed myself in the past, but it is proven to be dangerous because I've time looped? Not too sure about that one - Also someone told me they think they heard the dimensions talk about systems looking tar like in the dimensions so not too sure. But to get clarity I will watch the videos and add what I find within my investigations. Thanks for asking Darryl :)

Black Velvet

I had a dream that I was at a grocery store or warehouse that sells tools and I was chatting with this women about cream to stop itching and rashes. She needed it for someone and she recommended the person use the cream and or also tar the kind you can get off of roof tops and put it directly on the infected area. I was telling her tar isn't good to put directly on the skin and it may be dangerous, she said it was an old remedy and it works. Shortly there after my mother sister and nephew came in all wearing black velvet jumpsuits matching material but different design - one suit was just right for my mom, her 'style' same with my nephew and sister my sister looked nice in hers. I made a point to avoid her by talking to a stranger in the store with a shopping cart, I tried to look busy. My sister came right up to me and looked me right in the eyes but I looked away and fronted like I didn't care and didn't see her, I talked to my mom for a moment and that was that.

Breath Walking

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItMrSHScl2c

Today was an over all chill day. I read some blogs and Desteni material also watched a few vlogs and made a vlog of my own, that was nice. I wasn't nearly as fearful this go around and I even enjoyed myself - I do have to get video editing software so I can perk them up a bit and make my vlogs more presentable but overall it was fun :)

I have windows7 and I haven't found free software that also works with my camera - BooHoo! I will continue looking.

Anyhow, I didn't judge myself about anything really - well, in someways I would have worded things differently but hey, I guess this is what supporting oneself through vlogging and blogging is all about and within actively participating in vlogs and blogs I will become more effective within my application and within speaking and living words as one with me as who I am as life - Also it supports me within and as self trust and self honesty. I am also grateful for the support, comments and thumbs up's! Thanks for the encouragement. :)

I enjoy process it is cool to face my fears because I will no longer allow them to control me.

Darryl told me that Bernard is fearless and that it is fascinating to be around and supportive to experience a being that is a living example of self trust. Well, he said something to that effect but don't quote me. Hehe... Maybe he does have 'some' fear but the common sense kind. One time I read a post by Bernard that said "If you do not fear what you should fear, you are in fearful danger" --I heard that! I'm not sure who coined this but either way it makes sense. I will be fearless one day. I start here within and as every moment of breath.

Daily blogging has been great self support. I enjoy writing and sharing myself because as we all know sharing is caring!

Enjoy,

Deedra :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CwICXwLBmo

A couple of weeks ago I noticed a peculiar thing taking place, I listened to a song and had an emotional reaction to this womens voice and I thought wow now that is one beautiful voice - she's got real talent. I did not investigate further I simply turned up the music and sung along. I did not cry but I had a movement within me and wanted to cry. I half heartedly flag pointed my experience - I was aware of 'something funny' but did not direct myself in the moment. I let it go because it was kinda 'nice' - I was moved by the effect this women's voice had on me. I thought cool I'm glad I found out about her music she's great.

I've been moved by music, singers and even people's speaking voices before but this is happening more frequently or maybe I've just now started to become aware of it?

Today on my drive in to work I was listening to a totally different singer and a whole new song and again I became very emotional, this time I actually teared up it - the song was not "sad" at all - it was "upbeat" in fact. I heard the pitch or maybe it was the tone and suddenly my eyes were filled with tears. WTF?

I looked at myself in the rear view mirror, I saw my eyes filled with tears reflecting back at me - Yikes!

Immediately in that moment I said "I STOP" - I breathed and continued to hear the music and I still had a slight movement within me, I thought shit should I turn this off but I realized that wouldn't be self directive either. Shit - I'm not here - I took in a deep breath held in for a moment breathed out and continued with this until the movement was gone - I am here - and spoke self forgiveness out loud, although I was not specific and I require to write it out.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to remain here within and as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be moved by sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies and to allow sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies to trigger an emotion or feeling reaction charge within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get caught up in a feeling I attached to certain sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies and define certain sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies as good and certain sounds as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with myself and for not making breath a priority when listening to music because I think that then I can take a 'break' from myself and from being here for a moment because I need 'my' time to re'vamp'.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to be strict and disciplined with myself .

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feed off of energy charges and to listen to particular songs to get into particular moods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never consider what I was doing and for not investigating these points sooner because it made me 'feel good'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a way to feed on energy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define songs that can evoke emotion or feelings within me as 'great' and 'brilliant'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach memories to particular sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attach pictures to particular sounds/pitches/tones/frequencies.

I forgive myself for not directing and correcting myself to stop the first time that I recognized the stir of emotion within me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the polarity of good / positive and allow myself to be lackadaisical because it felt 'nice'

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to stop feelings because I have defined them as good and nice without realizing there is a consequence and also good and nice are words I have defined with a positive charge so the negative polarity also exists within and as me

I remain here and no longer accept and allow myself to remain enslaved to polarity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within polarity manifestations of the mind consciousness system.

I breath here through and as breathing I will not be subject to emotions, feelings or energetic reactions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a drug and an escape mechanism which I have done to avoid facing myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use music as a drug because I have justified it by saying its not hurting anyone which is not self honest existing within the mind is self dishonest and not who I really am and does not support me as who I am as life as all as one as equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself by and through music

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek an outlet a back door for escape.

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to realize that I must in every moment remain self disciplined by and through remaing here within and as breath within every moment otherwise I am not real

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by what music I've listened to and listen to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm cool because of the music I like and for thinking I have a great ear for great music.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I'm special because I have defined myself as someone with great taste in music.

I forgive myself for not considering what is best for all when making decisions and for making decisions based in self interest and not doing what is best for all within and as everything I participate within and as every moment of breath

I do not accept or allow myself to escape - I am here I face myself unconditionally

I do not accept or allow myself to make excuses for myself

I do not have to be hard on myself to the point where I want to give up because I've judged myself but rather I will myself and direct myself and remaing here as self discipline because my will is to be and do what is best for all in all ways within and as every single moment of breath

I stand equal to and as sound as music as pitches as tones as frequencies - HERE

What I realised

I just realized that I've wanted to hold onto the relationship with my mother and this is the primary reason for me not correcting myself effectively. Because I didn't ACTually want to correct my behavior. Maybe it was unconscious or subconscious or even conscious but it was so difficult to recognize because I was still self dishonest about it. I thought somehow I could get away with holding on to her - at least her. It is like a child crying "I want my mama" Like no one could comfort me like her, I thought I was hers. I have a bit of resistance coming up and a bit of an emotional charge in my solar plexus while writing this, breathing... I am here.

So, the point I was not willing to face is I have to let go of her unconditionally, as an idea that she is special, mine, the only person in the world that can love me and care about me like no one else is capable of also I have defined her as superior to me and that what she says is what is best and that she knows best because after all she is my "Mother" and isn't that enough??

I have played this daughter role as inferiority toward my mother because that has always been the relationship we've had. She knows best and I listen and do as she says. I played this role as a daughter and covered up the reason why I reacted to her and also I can see the polarity manifestation within this as well, the rebellion within me to do the opposite of what she suggests.

I haven't dealt with the core point the point is I can no longer exist within this relationship of abuse and vampirism- I stop the idea that I have a mother and that I am a daughter - I don't need that one person in the world that one 'special' person to hold onto to - to love more then anyone else and I don't want her to love me more then anyone else because that is not love it's a game a manipulative one where no one wins. Just the ego of the mind.

I see it so clearly now I've been blaming her and my father even if I don't come out and say it it's tacitly implied and it's like well, jeeze you did this and you did that and you left me no other choice bla bla bla.... This is bullshit - the truth of me is that I've allowed the fear of severing the relationship 'ties' to control me therefore I only existed as energy and continuously reacted because I knew that would be the spark to start the fire all over again now that the smoke has cleared I can see - I fucked up I left a back door available this whole time.

I can see that this is quite a construct - this is what I have for now.

Daughter Personality

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RkuuKwlBrIk&feature=player_embedded

I have been quite angry lately, the simplest things set me off - for instance my mom came over to visit a couple of days ago - everything was 'fine' we were just chatting - she had been sick so she hadn't come over in a while and didn't want me to go to her house either so that I wouldn't catch her cold. She has had this cold for over three weeks now, my nephew was also sick for about a month and is finally feeling better, well she decided that it would be fine now for them to come and see me. When we were chatting she said something to me that really pissed me off, I reacted immediately, she said "Deedra you should tell your hairdresser to stop cutting your hair so short." She had a disgusted look on her face. It really struck a cord with me and I reacted immediately to what she said by raising my tone of voice and saying "My hair is fine! - I'm so sick of everyone always trying to tell me how to look, what to wear, and that my hair is too short! I like it this way - I was the one who told my hairdresser to cut my hair this short and a matter of fact I cut it myself initially." Once I got to the hairdresser she said "Oh No Deedra, you've been cutting your hair again haven't you?" I said "Yes I'm sorry."

Over time I have formed a habit when I get angry - I take it out on my hair. I have now flag-pointed this behavior and it always starts when I'm not Here as Breath and am in the mind and think and go into self judgement that I'm not good enough or I can't be perfect, then I get more angry and do things like shave, cut or pull on my hair. And say things like "I hate my hair" and when I had long hair, I would pull it back really tightly in a bun or pony tail, or fuss with it for a long time in front of the mirror - and judge myself extensively and go into sadness and then I just don't want to do anything and don't want to participate with anyone or anything.

Back to the event, so my mom seemed to be a bit taken back by my angered reaction and tried to lighten the mood, she said "I have also tried to cut my own hair when it is getting too long before as well." I could tell she was hurt and felt awkward but I didn't care. I just felt like I couldn't talk to her and I was mad for her always judging me. She left my house shortly after.

Once she had gone I felt very sad and I went into self judgement and felt angry at her and myself for how I allowed myself to react and I got scared because for a moment in my head the words "I hate her" popped up and I have never had a thought like that before... I started to think we were not as close as I once believed us to be. I felt alone. I felt like I would never be good enough to fit her standards and that I would never be or look like the person she wanted me to be. And I judged myself as inadequate because her standards are not high.

I was also frustrated because the house was not clean. Every time I clean my house so that it looks 'perfect' for when she arrives, she cancels and doesn't show up. She always comes over unexpectedly and ironically when the house is messy. So I was in a state of energetic possession before she actually arrived because I was embarrassed about it. So when she called to let me know she was on her way over and would be arriving in 10 minutes, I rushed and scrambled to clean up and remove my shoes out of the living room and cleared the coffee table of the things that were on it, I knew she would feel bad and it would bother her if she saw it messy. If my house is messy she takes it as she was a bad mother and you know that whole "I didn't raise you this way" - kinda thing.

Well, I have been over this point many times in my process the point of living according to my mothers standards of me rather than living according to my own.

When the true test comes for me to walk the correction here within the physical I've just continued to react and I still participate within it. Its become an automated reaction by me.

I realize now where I am within my process and that I have not corrected myself effectively nor have I been specific enough within my application because I was not here present, I was not breathing I was in the mind - worried, frantic, full of self judgement with the desire to please.

I do not accept this from myself any longer

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react toward my mother in an energetic state of possession as anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to my sister and think that I won't ever be as thin, smart, well rounded or pretty as her and think that my mom also compares me to my sister and always see's her as better then me in every way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to through comparison separate myself from my mother and sister

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to form opinions about family and cause separation through these opinions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my experience through forming opinions about others

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to immediately take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others for the experience I have of myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to deal with the original source of my anger immediately the moment the point arose

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing for this point to continue without correcting myself

I correct myself here

I do not accept or allow myself to suppress points that require attention and to be dealt with

I walk here within and as breath as self correction

I no longer accept or allow myself to suppress myself

I forgive myself for not accepting or allowing myself to breath and remain here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the mind and thinking

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become lazy with regards to not allowing myself to make breathing here my priority within every single moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become sad, angry and emotional

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mother for how I experience myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at my mother because I have defined her as superior to me and that she has power over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to ideas and for not standing here stable as self will and self power to do what is best for all in every single moment as breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be embarrassed about my behavior

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my personality as a daughter

I forgive my self for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of the power I have given to my mother over and of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if my mother is not the personality I want her to be I have lost something

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in role playing and for allowing myself to also hold my mother within a specific role

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to ideas and personalities

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be self responsible for all that exists here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to avoid writing about this again because its always the same thing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I wont live up to the my mothers expectations of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea about what my mother expects of me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be rude to my mother instead of breathing and speaking self honestly about things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to still worry frantically about what my mother might think about the condition of my home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for not looking the way my mom wants me to look

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this about her and not realise I am responsible and me alone for how I experience myself and what I will and will not accept or allow

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the experience I have of myself according to my hair

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hate my mother

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek validation and feed off the energy of validation I get from others

I forgive myself for not realizing no one has to validate me I am here - I am valid

I forgive myself for not realizing no one had to accept me I am here - I accept myself unconditionally

I no longer accept or allow myself to continue to abuse myself through holding onto a personality suit

I let go unconditionally

I stand up

I live

Thank you for this video Sunette it is extremely supportive.