Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Self Expression

I always looked for ways to express myself and curious how to express myself. What is self expression anyway? I realize now that I limited self expression to an idea that talent and self expression are synonymous. I'd ask myself why are some people talented and others not? Is what I'm interpreting as self expression really self expression at all? I wanted to be comfortable with myself and accept myself unconditionally to trust myself to be 'great' at something, anything. I observed others with a bit of wonder and some jealously because I guess I didn't know just how to be talented, I just wanted an outlet to express myself. If talents are a gift, gifts weren't being handed out when I was born. Watching people dance professionally, hearing song birds sing, seeing art that artists create with simplicity, ease and perfection -I mean it is amazing also those who write or write poetry and even people who can act and some people are amazing at sports, I also enjoyed hearing speeches by people who are articulate and charismatic.

I wanted to be talented damn it! LOL! Why? Well that Is because I always judged people with 'talents' such as some of the few I mentioned above as special and gifted and maybe it was a gift from God. How come God didn't give me a fucking talent or a gift like he did others, so that I would also be able to express myself. I couldn't understand how assholes or mean people could be gifted with talents. Now thats not right? I would think I'm not as much of a jerk as they are - it did not make sense. God must be aware of something that I'm not. Maybe I didn't get a gift or talent because I was bad and didn't deserve it, I just always felt inferior to others in that way.

When I began to study the bible, I was good at it and so I thought that was my 'niche' my calling so to speak and that is what made me special... What a mind fuck.

I've come to realize that I was completely disillusioned about self expression all together and also a lot of talent is learned and goes hand in hand with how much money a person has access to. Some people are 'naturals' rather pre-programmed and some never get a chance to reach their full potential because they don't have the money to buy the supplies or pay for the lessons they require to be as great as they could be and some wind up defining themselves by their talents and then limit themselves within the self definition so it's really not self expression because it can be limiting.

I was kind of jealous of people that had money because when I was growing up we didn't have a lot of extra money, we had money but it was in short supply, we had the basics and I know my parents couldn't afford to have me take music lessons, or dance class, I didn't ask most of the time. I didn't really want to hurt them by asking them for something I knew they wouldn't be able to afford, besides I was fine over all, I just didnt get to indulge in what I thought to be self expression - but I had food and clothes the basics. As I write this I'm still a bit confused if that is what happened or if I was just thinking I did that in an attempt to protect them, maybe I'm imagining things? Well there is some fear lingering within me that my mom might read this and feel hurt I'm saying all of this, but also maybe I'm whining too, because I shouldn't be comparing myself to others anyway and the truth is I'm much better off then most beings in this world. I'm actually one of the elite which is crazy and sad because even still we are all so limited.

I have heard many people call kids in band nerdy, I think it may have been jealousy coming forth because maybe they don't have the money the kids with parents that could afford instruments had and so because they felt inferior they projected the opposite polarity superiority. Secretly I wanted to be in band or have voice lessons, or go to dance class and learn how to dance like a real professional, or even get really good at a sport something you know?

Well after all these years and after finding Desteni and within walking my process, I am now at a point where I see how much bullshit I've allowed and also that my starting point in wanting to be talented was about being superior and I wanted to be better then others at something to rub my own ego.

I realise that self expression is who I am here within and as self honesty doing what is best for all, no matter what I do if I write a song, sing, dance, breathe, play, work, share, write, listen, draw etcetera within the starting point of what is best for all 'equality' then I don't have to be the best at any one thing, I just do what is best for all in every moment and I express myself within this, lately I have noticed that my self expression is emerging and it is not based on talent at all, it's just me expressing me here and doing what is best for all it is this simple. Trying to express myself and comparing myself to others is self dishonest and I would have never be able to express myself in that way. In an equal money system there won't be winners and losers the way there are now - things will be equal and people will have more time to do things they enjoy and share oneself unconditionally and will be able to lift the vail and see one another for real as equals - This is cool and is why I will do what is best for all and how come I support an equal money system as a common sense solution that is best for all. Just imagine for a moment equality, real equality every dimension of the word even standing equal to and as the word equality. What does this imply it implies heaven on earth, a place where we can be proud to bring a child into this world so that all can live a life of dignity and actually live and enjoy real self expression here within and as breath.

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