Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What I realised

I just realized that I've wanted to hold onto the relationship with my mother and this is the primary reason for me not correcting myself effectively. Because I didn't ACTually want to correct my behavior. Maybe it was unconscious or subconscious or even conscious but it was so difficult to recognize because I was still self dishonest about it. I thought somehow I could get away with holding on to her - at least her. It is like a child crying "I want my mama" Like no one could comfort me like her, I thought I was hers. I have a bit of resistance coming up and a bit of an emotional charge in my solar plexus while writing this, breathing... I am here.

So, the point I was not willing to face is I have to let go of her unconditionally, as an idea that she is special, mine, the only person in the world that can love me and care about me like no one else is capable of also I have defined her as superior to me and that what she says is what is best and that she knows best because after all she is my "Mother" and isn't that enough??

I have played this daughter role as inferiority toward my mother because that has always been the relationship we've had. She knows best and I listen and do as she says. I played this role as a daughter and covered up the reason why I reacted to her and also I can see the polarity manifestation within this as well, the rebellion within me to do the opposite of what she suggests.

I haven't dealt with the core point the point is I can no longer exist within this relationship of abuse and vampirism- I stop the idea that I have a mother and that I am a daughter - I don't need that one person in the world that one 'special' person to hold onto to - to love more then anyone else and I don't want her to love me more then anyone else because that is not love it's a game a manipulative one where no one wins. Just the ego of the mind.

I see it so clearly now I've been blaming her and my father even if I don't come out and say it it's tacitly implied and it's like well, jeeze you did this and you did that and you left me no other choice bla bla bla.... This is bullshit - the truth of me is that I've allowed the fear of severing the relationship 'ties' to control me therefore I only existed as energy and continuously reacted because I knew that would be the spark to start the fire all over again now that the smoke has cleared I can see - I fucked up I left a back door available this whole time.

I can see that this is quite a construct - this is what I have for now.

1 comment:

katieconklin said...

Very cool Deedra, I have a similar construct as a Dough-ter, Programmed in my mother's image and likeness. Thanks for sharing.