Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Accident


I was in a car wreck yesterday. I was to work until 5:30pm my co-worker asked my manager if it was possible that we all (meaning the staff) get off of work around 3pm due to the weather the roads were icy and we did not want to be in a position that would be unsafe or be unable to get home. My boss said he would ask the other people he required to report to and get back to us. We were to hear something by 2pm but we never did and I noticed none of the staff was leaving early so I figured we didn't get approved to leave early. I did call to check up 2 times but I did not get an answer, I did not know really what I should do at that point because I did not want to leave and then get in trouble and lose my job but I knew that there was a good chance I would be fucked if I was stuck in a storm in my car. Also I did not really want to leave early because my hours have been cut because business is slow but I knew it made the most sense to just leave as soon as I could to assure I would be safe. So finally at around 4:10pm I got an e-mail from my boss saying - go ahead and take off. I experienced a bit of blame because I felt in that moment that he was acting as if he was doing me a favor. Anyway I left it was cold a fuck outside and snowing and the roads were quite slick and icy. It was scary driving home my drive home is 30mins so it was quite a task inching by sliding the whole way there and then we got to this point where a steep hill presented itself and cops had shut down the road that is when I started to get very pissed off at my boss and my boss's go to guy for approval I thought those assholes do not give a fuck about me or anyone working there. WTF I can not believe that this happened and then I recalled my commitment to no back chat and also not thinking or saying things that I wouldnt be willing to say to everyone so I spoke sf and decided to take what came in stride. But there were people slipping and sliding all over the road near accidents and accidents every few miles i mean even in one mile of road you would see maybe 1-2 people stalled out and maybe a wreck and back ups so I was getting quick scared, unfortunetly the road block did not have an alternative because it was just closed before I got there so there was a detour to nowhere really so everyone was circling around trying to find a way southwest but there was no open outlet so it was a huge cluster fuck on ice and I did not have a phone because I hate carrying my cell phone so I definately learned my lesson next time I will bring a phone anywhere I go. Finally I get to a place that seemed like an option and but for about 20mins I just slide and slide and was getting nowhere. I began to get anxious, I was focused on my breath I think It was too late because I could not get a steady constant breath, I felt as if i had to take very deep breaths to just stop the nervousness, I was fearful that I was so afraid that I would cause a wreck, finally somehow I began moving again and turned back because I knew I could not make it up any hill even the tiniest ones so I was going to make a right turn and when I did I realised I was sliding and to prevent sliding into a light pole I went into the opposite side of the road and hit a car waiting to turn. It happened in slow motion but fast I was so scared, I was not present I didn't respond well I could have honked or done something but instead I just clenched the steering wheel and pressed the brake but that did not help because I just slide right into him. So we exchanged info and then I was really concered because I felt like I was fucked, no phone, no man, no way to get home it was 14 degrees outside and my car was wrecked. So I don't know why I went into such detail about this point, I guess just to see it for myself because I do have a bit of fear now about driving and also there is a bitter part of me toward my boss and the system and I know it is pointless because it is here as me this also delays my plans because its going to cost quite a bit of money to fix it. I feel defeated a bit. I also managed to sprain my ankle twice within an hour when I was in Texas and it's swollen and hurts. I know my fear of hitting someone or getting in a wreck manifested. I could have prevented it if I was here - it was quite a test to be in a stressful and dangerous situation and remain here unfortunately I failed myself - I'm going to stop writing here because I am just whining and I won't allow myself to continue going in that direction. I will drink water and breath. I will be back when I get out of this place I am at and write the necessary self forgiveness.
Thanks if you read all the way to this point lol.

1 comment:

Leila said...

Woaw Deedra - very cool points faced here