Monday, February 14, 2011

Not Sleeping but Still Not Awake

Yesterday I was in a slump since the moment I awoke and I allowed myself to be in a state of depression the entire day. My starting point as soon as I woke up for the day was that it was my last day off prior to my long seven day work week ahead and I needed to 'relax' to prepare and I had nowhere to be because it was my day off, So when I woke up I immediately began to think instead of breath here and act.

Within this self dishonest starting point I created the outflow of tiredness and laziness and I was thinking so much that I got depressed, in moments throughout the day I wanted to cry my eyes out but I did not allow myself to go there because I knew it was no use and would not be supportive for me. I told myself I don't have time to cry and crying never solved anything and I knew it wasn't a point of crying as a release as self support because I knew in order to cry I would require to think and actually make myself get in a state of sadness where I had to actually direct myself to cry by participating in 'sad' thoughts. So I didn't cry because I saw that it would be self-manipulation and me just feeling sorry for myself and unacceptable.

I still had not dealt with the heaviness and this experience of overall exhaustion, I just moped around and I noticed an interesting thing - I had a strong desire for sex and it was also in part due to pictures that were formed in my mind due to not participating in the physical so that was a bit odd and almost scary to recognize just what happens when I am not here and in my mind. My mind goes to thoughts about sex when I am not here and in a state of 'depression' or 'boredom' so I deleted the pictures and spoke self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

I now had to take responsibility for myself and direct myself and stop allowing myself to wallow around the house, so that is what I did, I started to cook and clean and also make a vlog and so that was cool because it was simple to make and effective and self supportive because I wasn't sitting around giving my power away to the mind or making the mind more important then what is here in and as the physical. Today when I woke up I did what Sunette suggested I breathed in and stretched out my arms moved my legs and got right up and directed myself to move here in and as the physical and not spend any time in the mind thinking.

I did notice a slight sluggishness and also my eyes were very red and my right eye felt like it wanted to shut like it wanted to stay closed and asleep so I kept rubbing it and looking into it but nothing was stuck in there and so I decided to have some water lots of it, my eye is back to normal now but I just wanted to note this and also write it out so I can refer to Veno's Structural Resonance documents on the website so that I can investigate what the right eye means and see how that correlates to my experience.

here is the vlog I made - enjoy!


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